On Friday, I signed a Program Management Variable which is intended to hold me here, although I am camp status, for one calendar year. The Assistant Warden placed it on me for the PEER SUCCESS TEAM. We have a clear agenda. To me, this means that I have exactly one year to reach several goals. All weekend, my agenda has been focused on mapping out those goals.
Many people could not understand what it is to live out of a small locker; smaller than the cabinet that held my supplements or glasses in my kitchen. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the contents of their locker. I think of that old game we played as teens, ” if you were going to be stranded on an island and you could only have 3 things what would they be? “
Here, it’s a PRIORITY REVEAL. My locker is full of binders of paper, books, crafts, journals and more books- that is the bulk of it.
I have one binders that contain everything a girl needs to put in for a compassionate release, I have a book that is full of ideas that I plan to execute once I am released. There are composition notebooks that have sketches and details of the art I will make once I am released. There is a book that is about my monkey, Paublo, The Troubadour.
I know where every thing is, to an extent. But sometimes papers overlap. A document that is needed for THE PEER SUCCESS TEAM ( my most recent several binders ) may actually belong in THE ABSENCE OF PAINT- which means that I have these smaller folders that translate over; pending copy or something. I share ideas with myself from project to project.
It’s a lot to keep up with, but the fact is- our computer only holds stuff for 6 months.
Now that I know I have one calendar year, I have set a clear goal of typing and illustrating IN THE ABSENCE OF PAINT.
You see the book is done, each chapter is full of everything- I spent the day yesterday revisiting it all, section by section and cataloguing it all, figuring the amount I need to do each week to reach my goal, putting it into spec.
I have 12 chapters. This means if I type and illustrate a chapter every other week, I will be done in 6 months.
Now let us get to the point were it turned to magic.
The chapters of the book are a path to balance; my journey from brokenness to divine balance. A formula of my exact journey. When I set out to write it, I had only read about the power of true, honest manifestation. A divine reality that comes from an honest journey within, combined with the power of true love of ones self and their community….the effort to live a life which become a dance.
Two very interesting things happened yesterday, I started with chapter one, mind you it’s one of those accordion file folders that has plastic sections and I have it labeled with tabs. My goal yesterday was to go through each section, which is a chapter, and put the contents in proper order. In a side pocket, there were about 20 miscellaneous papers that I had stuck there to extract information from, like articles or scribble notes.
In the first chapter, MOURNING, I made a note on the sheath of paper of a poem that was supposed to be there but was not, COMFORT. I knew I would find it but I thought it would be somewhere else, like in the folder where I have poetry.
What you should know is that I had never heard Michael Santos’ name in my life until 5 months ago, when he surfaced into my life just as I was building a mentor program where we needed a way to create a path for the AICs here toward re-entry.
I believe, because I was there, that there is no simple co-incidence in how we connected just in time.
I sorted through that stuff for eight hours yesterday. And when I got to the very last chapter, which is titled, DIVINE BALANCE, I found the poem COMFORT. And in the pile of missives and articles, I found two pages from the back of a book, I remember having found them about a year ago in the ice room, just sitting around. On the pages at the top and at the bottom there are no headings but for the word, AFTERWORD and on the other pages, 288, 289, and 290.
Now the funniest part of the story is that I intended to write this weekend about my day on Friday, a most difficult day, where a staff member accosted me. There is this weird stigma here where if you are trying to do things for your community or anything extra, you become a target to some staff members. There are those few who appreciate you, but the majority make your life very difficult.
On Friday, I had a think tank meeting. Getting 20 women into a room, shoot getting a room here that will hold 20 women, is no small feat. Our agenda on Friday was one where I had to be tough with some of the women, as they are having a difficult time getting motivated. Luckily we have a great group of women to help them, it’s no longer just me.
I was on edge during the meeting, having just been barraged by this very toxic CO. I took several deep breaths and the meeting was great- effective.
In the stack though, titled AFTERWARD, I laughed and laughed as I read the words that I had stashed, torn out of some book and discarded for me to find in divine balance fashion. Having read all about Santos, I knew instantly, this was torn from one of Michael’s books and the reason I kept it was because he is talking about what I have found to be true but refuse to allow to stop me, the attack.
He says, ” There is no telling how long how long I will remain here; two groups of administrators already have admonished me about my writing. They have not accused me of wrongdoing, They cannot. The First Amendment makes clear that even prisoners have the right to express themselves. After having passed my entire adult life inside, I am convinced that these places of confinement only condition people to fail. It is my responsibility as a citizen of this republic, then , to write about the prison system. I hope my work will persuade taxpayers, legislators, and administrators to consider a new approach to corrections, as it is clear that the current model is a failure. “
He goes on and it is more of what I believe, what I have been doing, in my small and artistic, more feminine way.
I spent my last week, addressing a very serious situation.
One of my think tank gals works at education. She recently submitted paperwork requesting that several programs be facilitated here. One of the most important ( to us ) being the PREPARING FOR SUCCESS by Michael Santos. Our goal is to run all the mentors ( 90 ) for the Peer Success Team through the program- so they could pass on the know how.
The SOE ( supervisor of education ) accosted me in the garden last week. ” Blair, this program you are wanting, the Earning Freedom or whatever? who is the author? ” I proudly said, ” Michael Santos ” She literally cringed. And then she dove right in- ” we will never facilitate a program written by and ex-offender here! “
I said,” so let me just be clear, no matter how many years a person is out, no matter how many degrees they have, no matter if the program is an FSA course, ordained in Washington as such, that person has no value with you? “
This was a lot to take in. I got angry at first, but then I pushed my little garden cart up the warden’s complex and I went into the secretary and told her what had just taken place. She calmed me down, allowed me the space to breath.
The conversation with the SOE was a lot to unpack, like if the head of education doesn’t understand that reform and redemption are possible, and that we have value, well it’s like we are going back in time. I mean, we have a guy running for office who everyone seems to love around here and he has 32 felony convictions.
The secretary reminded me that there is only one agenda and that is to be pleasing to my creator. I know I am doing the right thing at most times of my day. I am always taking two steps forwards.
There are people here who see value in re-entry. Our staff here may not all get it, but what matters is that the ones at the top do understand the power and importance of sending women home in the best shape possible, benefits the communities
they are releasing to.
In my meeting on Friday, I like to be sort of dramatic and passionate. I think it motivates them. I stood up and told them that one of the main reasons we started this program is because, too many times, I have been out in the garden in front of the Lts office and as I am sort of out of sight down there on my knees, I can see and hear what is going on – too many times there are women out there crying, tripping out, because they are leaving and they have no idea what the next phase of their life looks like. Shame on us if we don’t do something about it.
Even if it makes us a target.
I was taught, in the big book of etiquette, ” to always leave a place better than you found it “
Kudos to Michael Santos for all the work he has done for those who follow behind him.
