A Sense Of Self
Federal Prison has a RESIDENTIAL DRUG ABUSE PROGRAM- RDAP. I was so grateful to be allowed into the program at the beginning of my 30 year sentence. On the bus ride up to Hazelton, as I feeling the gravity of the situation- I realized my thought process must have needed some alignment, to say the least.
My best friend and soulmate, many years ago, gave me the gift of this poem. On that journey, I thought of the words.
In, HOW DID YOU DIE, by Edmond Vance Cooke, he asks some hard questions, and I knew that it was time for me to get it right.
” Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
with a resolute heart and cheeful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble’s a ton , or a trouble’s and ounce
Or a trouble is what you make it,
And it isn’t the fact that you’re hurt that counts
But only how did you take it?
You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what’s that?
Come up with a smiling face
It’s nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there – that’s disgrace
The harder you’re thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn’t the fact that your licked that counts,
Its’ how did you fight- and why?
And though you be beaten to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could,
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why the critic will call it good
Death comes with a crawl or comes with a pounce,
And whether he’s slow or spry,
It isn’t the fact that you’re dead that counts,
But only how did you die?
This poem is one of the things that was buried in my mind that kept me going on the road to recovery.
RDAP changed my life because of how I took it ; breathed it all the way in, fully digested the information, and allowed true transformation. I had never been to treatment, can you even imagine? I was 46 years old and I had been partying like a rock star for many of those years. I always said that rehab was for quitters.
In 1991 when I was sent to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice for a series of drug offenses, they had a program called F.A.R.M.. The Female Addictive Recovery Module. On paper, it looked as if I were in some fancy treatment but the truth is, we just worked until we wanted to die, until we were too tired to think about getting high and then went to NA/AA on Sunday mornings.
RDAP, here in the BOP is a cognitions correction program- just what I needed.
We were required to sign in and our every time we left the unit. They said it was to prepare you for the halfway house, but for me, it brought much more self awareness. You see, I never got in any trouble in RDAP, but for this one thing. I simply refused to sign in and out- it was like I could not stand the idea of being accountable for where I was going.
I looked back over the years, in the short but extreme parts on the timeline of my life, where there was chaos and dysfunction. I would just get in the car and drive, around and around- or walk out and walk for so long, aimlessly. I just wanted to sail away but I was stuck on a stress loop of addictive behaviors.
Now that I have been in years of gorgeous self aftercare, I know that I was literally on a stress loop and I understand the brain activity that kept me there. ( The ruts in the snow if you are following me. ) I also understand that drug addiction is not a moral defect or a character flaw, it’s the symptoms of an unhealthy, unplanned, unfocused, broken life.
Luckily, we are human and humans are able to be fixed. If our bodies are regenerative and can heal themselves, surely we can mend a broken life. Restoration is a universal truth. It only takes a bit of creativity.
The antidote for a stress loop is different for every single person, yet there is a formula and that is to focus on the POWER OF YOUR 24 hour day, filling it with a schedule which is mindful of the components of a healthy balance lifestyle.
Anyone who has ever taught a dog to heel, while walking through a neighborhood, could understand that when we make a schedule for our day and fill it with positive activities, the work towards the goals- whether they be towards improving your BMI or getting a BMA, the method is the same.
I recall training these two German Shepard’s, brothers- one suffered from severe anxiety. In the beginning, I avoided going down the street where there were combative, loud, dogs. At that point in the training, I had to be smart and move around the problem until they were strong enough in their, “heel” to move down that street without becoming distracted. Without loosing focus.
This is the preface of the NA/AA practice of, “changing play places, people, things ” .
We must map out a different route for ourselves. Challenge ourselves to do something extraordinary and unique.
Yes, all we have to be is as smart as the average dog trainer.
RDAP taught me to do RATIONAL SELF- ANYLYSIS. This is where you look at the situation and decide if my thoughts about the situation are making my feel the way I want to feel, and while there are many facets to the practice, I thought of just this one, today. Yes, 8 years later, I recall the program daily.
You see, I am aging in the BOP. I am determined to do this with grace and with the best physical health possible. I know that eating bread and too much wheat or bleached wheat causes inflammation and then the pain becomes unbareable, so I apply the RSA.
I know that if I don’t workout, do yoga, and meditate, I won’t feel the way I want to feel.
I know if I don’t keep up with my family, I get the blues. The list goes on. I am in control and I can feel the way I want to feel if I plan my days knowing what is up ahead….and then when the road up ahead gets hard, I have this strength, a foundation that is unshakable. I know how to breath my way through.
An RSA isn’t just about your thoughts and beliefs, it’s about learning to remove anything from your life that isn’t serving you and fostering the best overall health possible. Toxic people, a job, a medication, various poison’s, or just a same old meaningless life where you sleep in and go watch tv in the dayroom until lockdown.
If you can see a better path, you can get to it.
The more you visualize, study the subject and apply what you learned in order to see the results- the more you become accustomed to what success looks like. Small success’ lead to major success
Life is not about surviving your circumstance, like a prison sentence, it’s about thriving, being resilient, finding passion and joy in the moments of each day for no one knows the hour at which death may come. Each day we either take two steps back or one step forward into the light of our greater understanding.
