For far too many mornings now, I have had this schedule:
7:30 am work call. We compound workers meet over by the cage to sign in, place our water bottles on the carts and head out for the morning. For so long, I did this alone but this past year, I have had 2 lovely shadows. First, we scout out the scene in the gardens; looking for weeds or out- of -place mulch. At 8 am, there is a move- I dash in to the education dept. to print copies off of my email. Whether the copies are of pieces I wrote or newsletters from Santos, they become our learning material for the morning.
This morning, the girls were off filling a hole with dirt while I waited to go to the commissary; I found myself standing in front of the same cage with this different perspective. I think for years, I forced myself to wear rose colored glasses here.
Truth is, the cage is dirty and lined with push mowers that no one really uses anymore, concrete walls lined with racks that are meant to hold rakes and brooms but they have been empty for years.
To me, it was a sad day when the compound switched from using brooms to blowers. There is an undeniable inner growth that comes from sweeping, perhaps even a little mindfulness is found, you can really get the job done better with a broom; small success’ lead to big success’.
For me, there have been too many peaceful moments interrupted in the garden as the workers blow by.
As I stood there, looking into the cage and pondering the idea that the brooms no are no longer held in the racks, thinking how this is sign of lost integrity here, as the brooms were all stolen or destroyed. Believing this to be a world where no one plays the tape all the way through. This may be what they call, “short time syndrome”. I am over it all.
Playing the tape all the way through is a concept/ skill, I learned in RDAP. It sort of reminds me of the phrase, ” can’t see the forest for the trees “. I find it so relevant here as I look around and see so many women making minute-to -minute decisions that are only based on the snap emotions of this moment with no regard to how the decision will affect their future. Like to steal, destroy, sell or lose a broom, and not having it to use the next time. I know that sounds trivial or petty, but it’s habitual.
A practice that rolls over into moments of conflict.
Playing the tape all the way through and having a mental image of my family and my future goals in the forefront of my mind, kept me from making foolish mistakes here in the BOP. In this way, I was able to grow a strength and a self restraint that I never dreamed I could possess.
As I am standing at the cart, pondering all of this,
Cheyenne walked up fussing about the staff having no communication, apparently the some staff member didn’t know the memo went out stating that we no longer had to wear our hard polyester over shirts while working outside. I think they probably have a ton of issues to sort out and memos to read, I find no fault with the administration here, but sure, communication here could be better. Sometimes though, playing the tape all the way through means we must understand that safety and security are the most important factor and sometimes communications get caught up in the delicate space.
She said she could never get rehabilitated here. I don’t know what came over me, but I said, ” I did, but I didn’t count on them to do it for me. This is a real live, grown- up place where it’s up to us to find the path to rehabilitation- we can choose to be refined by the chaos around us, growing strong in each complicated, difficult situation, or we can complain about it. I have become quite resilient and strong under these conditions. “
During my time of adversity, here in Federal Prison, I have often opened workshops or seminars by asking the women to consider this:
” When you walk into this place, you can see it as a prison with rules, hard steel, or red lines you must not cross, bossy guards and strangers, or you can see this as a space filled with opportunities, plenty of time to sit with yourself- space to delve into yourself, time to really find your balance. No carpool, no real responsibilities, no children to care for, no bills. Shame on you if you can’t see the vast possibilities here. “
Where I come from we have an expression, ” to add insult to injury “. I realized in the very beginning that if I didn’t take this opportunity to get my life together as best as I possibly can while here, it would be adding insult to injury to my family and the mark I put on our family tree.
Michael Santos has been such an inspiration for me. More than anything, he showed me the power in what I had been doing all throughout the years here in Federal Prison.
Cheyenne’s comment reminded me of a newsletter Santos sent out a few months ago, OVERCOMING CRISIS.
He profiled the, ” Distinctions of the CEO Mindset ” He says, ” too many people focus exclusively on the process. It may not align well with the result. Then, they can make excuses, which leads to a victim’s mindset:
-I did everything I was supposed to do, so it’s not my fault.
-I followed the rules, and no one noticed.
-There aren’t any opportunities for me to advance.
-If it weren’t for {some external factor} I’d be better off.
-I wish I were as lucky as { someone else }.
These excuses ignore a core truth” a process is only valuable if it leads to the result you’ve defined. The CEO mindset trains you to focus on results first , then build the process to get there.”
Soon, my schedule will drastically change, Santos has helped me so much in this last leg of my BOP race.
Women and men are so different, like Mars vs. Venus, and for too many years, the BOP treated us the same while in custody and it was not always effective. Women are much more emotional and while our issues are similar, the formula for us is more about healing from the past, getting a hold of our emotions, forgiving ourselves and finding our balance.
Having successfully transformed adversity into opportunity, I am currently in a state in which Santos defines as THE CEO MINDSET IN ACTION. Stay tuned.
