Just like a distance run, you must be aware of your surroundings, the ground under your feet, and the road ahead. Eyes on the prize.
When Santos says, ” to overcome any challenge it’s essential to keep your head in the game”, I get where his is coming from, a place like here, where the only thing that is certain is eminent chaos.
As a mentor and life coach here at Aliceville FCI, I repeatedly tell the women who attend my Saturday morning workshops and various seminars that OUR DORM IS FILLED WITH 128 POTENTIAL DISTRACTIONS!
Focusing on other people’s problems and goings- on will literally keep you from reaching your full potential while incarcerated.
Believe it or not, Deepak Chopra and RDAP teach some similar principals. The most important concept being that we, as humans, tend to deflect our own insecurities and issues onto others; we project. We naturally want to fix our friends or other people in our community to keep from looking within ourselves.
It was for this reason that when I formed the PEER SUCCESS TEAM, I put a question on the resume that specifically asked, ” if they had done the work on themselves, and in what way? ” i.e… RDAP, LCP or another life changing programming. In this way, I hoped that the mentors would have already sorted out the majority of their own issues and be able to pass on the wisdom and knowledge they gained without projecting their own insecurities or muck onto those they attempted to help.
The key to RDAP is to pull yourself up, hold yourself accountible rather than others.
I can see how it would be easier to sit around and listen to the problems of others or gossip about folks that seem different than you or worse, tell all the glorious tales of what a bad ass you were before you got arrested.
I am reminded of one of my favorite reality checks found in Santos’ PSAP workbook on page 107 :
” People that identified as “shot callers ” in jail sometimes revealed that they had complicated lives outside of confinement. In other words :
-they didn’t have good credit scores
-they didn’t own a home
-their most prized possession was vehicle
-they didn’t have resources
-they didn’t have steady relationships
-they couldn’t buy commissary
-they didn’t have close family support
-they described problems with substance abuse or other addictions
-they complained of ongoing problems while on supervised release
-their family members had issues with the criminal justice system”
This applies to the average leader in prison.
What I know now is that these are symptoms: brokenness, broke, broken and OFF BALANCE. I remember how they said it back in the day, ” off kilter “.
As I rode the bus up to Hazelton, I reflected on just this sort of thing. My life had been checking too many of these boxes. Looking down at the black box that connected the shackles to my feet, hands and waist, for the life of me, I couldn’t imagine how I had ended up on that bus.
I had so many opportunities, such a beautiful and loving family. I had to fix whatever it was that was so broken inside of me that landed me on the bus, in shackles. I really thought I must have been crazy.
I love the idea that life is a coin with too sides, in all circumstances. Whereas it was my extreme nature, that “Excessive Celeste “, got me tied up in all sorts of trouble; I realized it is that same drive and passion for life that could get me untwisted.
Yes, I had to keep my head in the game.
I was a fugitive for too many years of my life, living “off the grid “. Now, I am going to do my best to re-enter society in a legitimate way and participate in what they now call, ADULTING.
I know that as I sent out these powerful intentions along the winding road up that mountain, the universe received my earnest heart’s desire.
When I look back to that bus ride, I can’t recall a single face. I recognize the reason being that I was in the deepest introspection of my life. My head was in the game already.
I knew that if I didn’t pursue the remaking of me with my whole self, it would be like adding insult to injury to my family.
I vowed to myself on that day that I would do everything in my power to get my self together, find out what was wrong and fix it to the best of my ability.
I was running a SWOT analysis before I knew it was cool.
My STRENGTHS were that I was really ready for change, determined to self correct and what is more is that I was able to use the same drive, motivation, passion and persuasiveness in the pursuit of my goals in the BOP.
I never waited around for anyone to let me in a class to begin the renovation of me.
The more I sought change, the more opportunities seemed to line up for me.
In turn, amazing spaces began to open up for me; a great job working for the administrator, THE INSIDE OUT PROGRAM only 16 people could apply, the Appalachian Prison Book Project- a circle of 8-10, a seat in RDAP at the beginning of my sentence, the ability to paint murals on the walls, once I did one- they were in high demand and I was able to go on to teach others how to paint and finally, I was able to co create the first female think tank in the BOP- VOICES UNITED.
I was able to complete all of this in the first 3 years of my sentence.
My WEAKNESS was that I felt really disconnected from my family and vulnerable. I had this terrible fear that they would all die before I was released.
Fear itself was an uncomfortable emotion for me, I have always been quite fearless. Yet, I was able to channel that fear into a stone cold mission.
OPPORTUNITIES ARE MANY- and now that my life has the richest balance, they will continue to line up as my plans develop further along.
My THREAT is one that Santos speaks on. I have written about the threat of jealousy for many years, Piper Kerman in ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK, says that this the number one danger in the women’s prison….the green devil.
Santos says it beautifully, ” there are many people in the world who do not necessarily want to succeed themselves, but they want to see others fail, and they plot ways to bring others down. As a person who served multiple years in prison, I will always be a target for such people. “
And when I read those words, it made so much more sense to me as to why I have had to deal with this so much here- in preparation for the next phase of my life where I plan to be even more dynamic, and on fire.
I know for certain that I have found a purpose here in finding space to help others on a serious level.
What really ignited that fire was during the pandemic. I felt the pressure of the world falling apart while locked in my cell for quite an elevated amount of time; I became the best version of myself.
It was as if I was suddenly reminded of how short life really is and as a result, delved deeper into myself to get the fullest degree of passion from every single moment.
In solitude, working the garden here, meditating, in self reflection and yoga my ego began to take back seat to my soul.
I fell in love with myself as I sorted out the brokenness of my heart.
Fast forward to now, having been granted clemency- on my way out the door 17 yrs early, I am so thankful that I didn’t waste my time here.
Now I’ve got my whole beautiful head in the game and I am ready.
