Sitting With Yourself
“Pushing someone toward liberty does not set her free; taking the chains off of a prisoner does not give him freedom.”
-Ken Bugul, 1982
Meditation is the MASTRY OF THE MIND, where you may find strength and freedom in any circumstance. Being the master of one’s own mind is the secret of a great leader.
I remember at the very beginning, learning the importance of doing my time in INTROSPECTION, rather than spending my days focused on the peanut gallery, here in Federal Prison. There are oceans between a person who monitors others from a place of judgement and a positive leader in the community who is sought out for their help and advice. I have been on both sides of the water but I have been mindful to swim carefully on the latter shore.
I have never pretended to be perfect here, quite frankly, I had a real moment of clarity when so many folks here made it clear that they thought I was crazy. ( rude ) Honestly though, I recall thinking to myself, ” damn, if the popular consensus here in the feds is that I am crazy, I must be nutzo!” The truth is, I now know to be flattered by their opinion. Radical, daring, outside- the- box, passionate, joyful in a time when others are miserable, yes- if this means I am crazy, so be it.
In all honesty, I needed refinement and balance.
There have been times over the years when I have truly felt unhinged here at FCI Aliceville. Living in a toxic, chaotic environment for nearly 10 years has not been easy. Under our current administration, there are plenty of life rafts.
I know life out there will have it’s challenges.
My strength has come from sharing my struggles and the process of sorting it all out. Sorting it all out comes naturally, it’ s the organic result of adding the habits which are part of life when you begin to schedule your daily life based on the wellness wheel.
Maintaining a healthy, well-balanced schedule will keep you afloat.
A hard workout
a good stretch
sit with yourself
in this magical way, after these three things are done, does the most beautiful part of my creative mind UNLOCK.
Make a calendar. Be consistent. Set goals, get other’s involved. Start a swim team.
This is how I became an effective leader here, in this place where so many think I am crazy. When I teach a class or host a workshop, I tell my story. I share my struggle. Teach them how to tell their stories.
Brene Brown says, ” when we deny our stories of struggle- when we pretend everything is ok, when we are really deep in struggle- THE HARD STORIES OWN US and they drive our behavior, emotions, thinking and LEADING.”
RDAP taught me that we are only as sick as our secrets.
Brene goes on to say, “As daring leaders we have to stay curious about our own blind spots and how we pull those issues into view and we need to commit to helping the people we serve find their blind spots. “
I like how she says, ” the people we serve. ” What a deep, profound truth. A leader should never lose sight of the fact that we are serving our community or our organization or our world, in a leadership role. Or we may become pirates or want-to-be-Kings. Repeat offenders.
Brene also gives this advice, ” Good leaders invest time attending to our own fears, feelings and history or we’ll find ourselves managing our own unproductive behaviors. “
It is for this reason that we must keep ourselves in good shape. Leaders, more than anyone must be in the habit of living a well balanced lifestyle in order to have a cool head and smooth flow.
It was Ed Catmull in Creativity Inc .- a manifesto on courageous, whole-hearted leadership – where he explains that recognizing, naming and managing our emotion is essential to leading.
A good leader is an individual who maintains that harmonious flow.
The government found us in error of doing things habitually, here we turn it around with new behaviors. There a a multicide of magical results that flow from simply learning to create a daily space to sit with yourself in quiet- not always the quiet in the room, but the quiet space you allow into your head.
Once you train yourself to to mediate, it starts to be instinctual and you know to do it in the most difficult of times.
I find wisdom in the words of Fiona Apple, she says, ” it’s calm under the waves in the middle of my oblivion “.
I can recall a time when I was injured and in pain, sitting in the cold steel, overcrowded medical department here; worried I would get no help ; my anxiety and PTSD were in full-on multi-trigger mode. FREAKED OUT.
Women crammed in, coughing, ranting and complaining; some pacing the floor or beating on the window.
Announcements blare so abruptly across the loudspeaker, your insides jump. Loud commands that have nothing to do with the medical department or with your current situation.
“Susie Doe, report to the nearest staff member, IMMEDIATELY!”
Nurses and other practitioners open the door of the waiting room and call out names; if the person isn’t there, we soon here the name blasted across the speaker, “report to medical immediately, you have 5 minutes “.
I feel assaulted. My pain seems prevalent.
I close my eyes, think of Fiona’s words and began to observe my breath.
In my mind’s eye, I see only the vast ocean of water and dark sky; the storm, I feel, has passed. The smell of rain lingers over the black velvet saltwater.
I use my breath to look more deeply at the plum horizon, the midnight black that is the sky.
Inhale/Exhale
The only sign of life is a porpoise wearing the troubled words which have began to swirl around and take up space in my head, threatening to settle in my heart. The porpoise races away with them, freeing up my clouded mind.
The word “love” begins to blink into view; the idea of love slowly sooths the frayed edges of my nerves; the feeling of love regulates the flow of blood. No more throbbing, no more sharp pain.
Breath after breath, my body begins to relax.
A space opens up where I am able to pull chart books off the shelves of my little grey cells. Statutes of beliefs, understanding, wisdom, clarity. So often, this is where sweet lyrics and poetry dance through and today I smile, celebrating that I am, once again, unshakable, self correcting, the MASTER OF MY FATE, THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL.
(ending exert from; Invictus by William Earnest Henley )
