When did I become a magnet for folks with, ” mommy issues”? This is how I felt this week. It must be the silver hair. Or perhaps, it’s the fact that I was once so broken with so many issues of my own.
It’s inevitable here, we are the broken ones. If all sins are equal, then what really sets us apart is simply the amount of time we spend each day in focusing on healing and wellness vs those who wish to embrace the ills that came, oftentimes, from the womb.
In the book EMOTIONAL INTELLEGENCE, Daniel Goleman, the author states that the impact of parenting on emotional competence starts in the cradle. I believe, as it states in the book FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE NEVER DIE, the seeds of strength are planted in the womb.
It’s obvious that the majority of the folks here were not given that goodly dose of approval and encouragement from he adults in their lives; they never expected to succeed. On average, what I have found is that they were babies who came from homes which were bleak, chaotic or neglectful.
Goleman states that there are seven key ingredients that would need to be present for children to even start school on a positive note:
1)Confidence
2Curiosity
3)Intentionality
4)Self-control
5) Relatedness
6)Capacity to communicate
7)Cooperativeness
Unfortunately, too many children don’t show up for school with these traits, nor have they developed them by the time they are adults.
This, according to Goleman, leads to lack basic trust and I have discovered that it does come from their parents not being able to be counted on to provide the most basic needs for them. As a result, many of them have developed OCD type behaviors that keep them chasing a temporary feeling, learned behaviors from parents that were grossly inept- immature, abusing drugs, depressed or chronically angry, or simply aimless and living chaotic lives. Such parents, according to Goleman, are far less likely to give adequate care, let alone attune to their toddler’s emotional needs. Simple neglect, studies find, can be more damaging than outright abuse. A survey of maltreated children found the neglected youngsters doing the worst of all:
they were the most anxious, inattentive, and apathetic, alternately aggressive and withdrawn.
When I think back to my past, I know I was overly prideful, riding a wave of emotions, acting on impulse.
I am so grateful for the time that I have had here, THE RESIDENTIAL DRUG ABUSE PROGRAM, that I completed in 2016, allowed me to change my life.
Notice I didn’t say, “it changed my life”, as I had to embrace the program and fully engage myself in an honest way in order for it to truly bring change from within.
Now, I respond to situations by taking a deep breath. I step back from the problem and think it through, my response doesn’t have to be in the moment. RDAP taught me to separate the practical problem from the emotion attached to the problem.
There is a stigma here, like some crimes are more taboo than others, and perhaps they are in the realm of things.
Yet, in my life here, in my dealings with folks- my new years resolution was to hold my tongue more, not allow my thoughts to go towards the negative spectrum- no matter what, to find love for each person I encounter.
Good Thoughts, Good Words Good Deeds.
