WHAT GOT YOU HERE WON’T GET YOU THERE
When Goldsmith speaks of the Success Delusion, I am reminded of the poem that serves, very much, as my guide for navigating this prison and this earth, “IF” by Rudyard Kipling. In one of the lines, when speaking of TRIUMPH AND DISASTER, he instructs us to, ” treat those two impostors just the same”.
One of the things I am trying to teach the women in the PEER SUCCESS PROGRAM, at this time, is that we are all on a different trajectory towards our person goals. This week, we are writing our PERSONAL MISSION STATEMENT, and taking an honest look at where we are on the path towards that ultimate, end game.
As Goldsmith says in his book, ‘ behavioral problems, not technical skills, are what separate the great from the near great.
And so when I draw the path from where ever they are now to the sign post ahead that reads, ” next phase, re-entry “,
there is a road along the way that is paved in things like, getting hold of anger, losing 20 lbs.., restoring family ties, creating a network, beginning the research…etc..
Everyone’s path is unique and individual but it is never cut and dry; it;s about gaining balance to roll more smoothly into your plans.
With each new healthy habit, with each sorting out of old issues, we begin to roll along and the stronger we become in our heart, breath and mind, the closer we become to our vision of success.
This concept reminds me of the message in EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, where we learn that you can be super educated and have a high IQ but be crippled by emotional issues. We have endless examples here to see of a person who is doing their time so hard due to their inability to gain control of their emotions.
When I look back at my life, I realize that there were times when my lack of coping skills and the baggage I was carrying around, keep me from being as smart as I thought I was.
Now, I live a life where I am able to rationalize my thoughts, separate practice problems from the emotions which are attached to those problems, and I live by the truth that, it’s not what happens, it’s how you take it, I know how to breathe through my emotions. I don’t let anyone steal my cool.
Honestly, it is from working for the captain here for so many years that I learned to be more cool under pressure, from watching her.
In the past, I was a tyrant. Most people around here don’t remember Leona Helmsley but that is who I was often compared to in business. It’s not only about how I treated others, it’s also about how I measured myself and my own success. Being a perfectionist is exhausting and this too, is a delusion.
Goldsmith says that the higher you are in an organization, the more your suggestions become interpreted as orders; I can really identify with this. As a result, I have to limit the amount of direct contact I have with the Peer Success Teams when it comes to giving directions. I have developed a system to where I write out the agenda and let someone else deliver the information. I sit off to the side, in case I am needed, taking notes, making observations.
My success here is defined by the fact that I have done my time in a productive way, with grace and dignity.
Goldsmith says that the first step to change is wanting to change; looking back, I see how this was impactful, as I decided on the bus into the prison that I not only wanted to change, but HAD TO CHANGE.
I didn’t have to radically change the beautiful person I was, but I needed to change my perception of life and let go of some baggage.
RDAP taught me not to play the blame game, not to use ” should statements “. Sida Yoga taught me that every thing was just as it was meant to be. Now, one of my pet peeves is when I am around folks who are so caught up in how things should have been, it’s like they are watching an old VHS tape and wanting to rewrite the script instead of just making a new movie. Blaming the producer for not casting them in a better role.
There is power in telling our stories, giving it away to an audience and then moving on to a new space, a next phase of their life- carrying only the goods they need for the next phase of the story.
In all the things I do here, my ultimate goal is to give folks the space they need to tell their stories so they can move on.
Goldsmith says, ” successful people believe they are in control. They don’t see themselves as victims of the world. “
This is one of the greatest strengths I currently possess.
Although I am in Federal Prison, I know I in control of the parts of my life that matter. No one can take that from me.
Once I let go of baggage, took the time to tell my story in a million different, constructive ways, and gain control of my emotions, my breath; my vision for the future and the network I needed to back me up on those plans, ALL BEGAN TO LINE UP. Now my mission is to help others to find their way.
In response to the question: ” In what ways are the skills you are developing now going to influence your future?”
Let me break it down in reference to Goldsmith:
First, he suggests we listen more and speak less. I have noticed that here in Federal Prison, I have developed a habit of just saying what I need to say and then ending the conversation. I know that I have developed this habit due to the fact that we have such limited time to speak- mostly I do this with staff or people I am giving instructions to.
Once I noticed this about myself, I made a conscious effort to keep my side of things short and make sure to stick around for a response. Write more, listen more. And also, I have learned to keep my face in tact when I am told something that I have an opinion about, I put on the Botox smile.
As a matter of fact, when Goldsmith says that we should make a to- stop list, rather than a to-do list, I appreciate that so much. One of the things my mother said to me over and over as a child is, when I did something and I would say, ‘oh mommy, I didn’t mean to’, she would say, ‘ but you didn’t mean not to’. We have to be purposeful in our tiny little, daily changes.
I have stopped a ton of things since I came here, I stopped over reacting, I stopped being so judgmental of people who have less education than me, I stopped having one- sided conversations, I stopped thinking somebody owed me something.
I stopped thinking I am entitled….more than anything, I have found the space with in me to find gratitude in all moments.
What I mean to say is that I was always a master networker, a visionary, I probably could sell ice to an eskimo, and I can persuade others to follow my lead- but those skills were useless until I gained control of myself, my thoughts, my emotions, my breath
