I am blessed to have life. What can I do to show my appreciation for it? I can learn and give back to the day. I can show my appreciation by having a positive attitude and being honest with myself. I can take a small step towards positivity until I can actually be described as a positive man. These are the things I am working towards each and every day.
The shame of guilt by Fernando Cordova
Why does one carry the shame of guilt? Why is our guilt something to be ashamed of? How does one reconcile with oneself and those we are guilty of harming and lose the shame that looms like a dark cloud over us? Throughout life, one will commit errors that will bring a sense of shame, yet it takes one action to start the healing process: FORGIVENESS!
For those who may read this, I always attempt to be transparent. Before I did an about-face and changed my life for the better, I never wanted to admit my shame for the guilt I carried. Though I knew that I had endured acts that were shameful and committed acts that brought shame to my victims, I lived my life suppressing all of these feelings. I began to feel the shame of my guilt once I gained a clear perspective of the life I was leading. I started to feel ashamed for all of the things that I was guilty of—the damage I caused not only to my family but also to society as a whole. The worst part was that I carried the shame of guilt for the actions committed against my person when I was a young boy. Not dealing with these issues led me to commit acts of violence taking of drugs and drinking of alcohol to numb what I was feeling. I could not come to terms with the question of why. Why did all this happen to me, not knowing I was like the thousands, possibly millions, of people who suffer at the hands of perverted minds?
I did not realize the shame of guilt I was carrying. I had to learn that one never needs to be ashamed for the actions that were placed on them by others. These people made me feel worthless, fear, an anger all at the same moment. Yet, one can not give power to the actions of others. This makes me think of the fruit that is passed up by so many due to the few bruises that it may have, not knowing that this fruit is some of the tastiest and sweetest fruit. That is so many of us; we carry the shame of guilt and lose sight of our strengths and beauty. When dealing with the actions that one has committed against others and the community, the sense of shame and guilt is a positive force in one’s life. This shows the growth that is taking place in one’s conscience, yet one should not allow the shame of guilt to be so powerful that one loses sight of what they are becoming. This process is the beginning point of reconciliation. I have taken a hard look at myself and desire to make amends for all I have harmed.
In the past, I would not even consider reconciliation. This brings a memory from years past: the mother of the young man I murdered sent a notification that she did not want any form of communication with me. I laughed at the form in my ignorance. Today, as I look at life through new eyes and a different perspective, I realize that I need reconciliation. First and foremost with myself, I need to forgive myself for everything that I endured and blamed myself for. I must forgive myself for the hurt an pain I caused, I must forgive those that have hurt me. Only then will the shame of guilt leave me, and I can focus on becoming the best version of myself. No longer will the shame I have carried for so many years have power over me due to the actions of others. One must look to reconcile with those one has harmed, and then slowly, the shame of guilt will dissipate.
In conclusion, the shame of guilt does not need to control our lives. The actions of others were not your fault; your own actions can be made whole through forgiveness. Then and only then will the shame of guilt lose all its power, and you will win your true self back.
