Family/Parents/Siblings & Relatives:
Recently, I have been thinking about all of my family and how very difficult it has and must have been to watch my life slowly spiral away to this point. How so many of them had sat back and just wondered what kind of mistakes I would make next. Sometimes, though I think people can be judgmental thinking that there is no life in between, when there actually was. Of course, good judgment was not always present, but there was plenty of good judgements made because of the morals and values that were instilled in me as a young man.
By the way, my thinking of my family is just not something temporary, it obsesses me daily almost as a haunting, but how I deal with that is the key. My mother, a brilliant lady always taught me to not allow guilt to consume me. That doesn’t mean to just say “hey” I’m not going to feel guilty, which will allow me to continue to do bad things. I think it was more about asking God for forgiveness and moving on trying to be better. If any of my family ever comes across these journal entries and reads them, I want to apologize from the very deepest of my being, for anything that you have read or that may have even the slightest negative affects on you or your environment. I want to apologize to my sister, my brother in law and my nieces, but most importantly to my parent’s. It is so very sad for me to not be able to have any of you in my life.
So without letting these feelings consume me, I am actually doing something positive to change myself, and the legacy that I see for my future. I will not go into the extensive things that I am doing, you can read about those in previous journal entries, but I will express the changes that I feel inside, and what powerful and amazing feelings those are. I wish I could just shout to my Mother and Father, and say, “hey Mom and Dad – you would be so proud of me, everything that you wanted me to be its finally happening,” but I can’t do that and I’m afraid they will never hear those words. That is certainly no reason to quit or give up, it really is just a reason to try harder and to make things right, so even if they can’t hear me or see me, honoring them by doing what they would be proud of will make the biggest statement, and maybe have an impact on the bettering of a future society. My work, my goals, and my dreams will make this a better world by implementation of goals that will benefit and strengthen this world. Everything that has happened up to this point has prepared me for this moment.
