Vince’s Daily Journal – Day 9
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Some days are immensely easier for me to do this journal than others. The hard writing days aren’t usually because something happened that is difficult for me to deal with or write about – actually, that tends to make it much easier to write, if not painless. The hard days for me are the days where I feel like I haven’t done anything. I mentioned before that I don’t believe one can stagnate, so if I don’t feel like I’ve done something, I’ve taken a step back. Unfortunately, it can feel like that quite often in a place like this, with so little structured programming available, and much of what is offered is not an option because of internal politics, understaffing, and schedule changes. This is actually something I struggle with deeply on an emotional and spiritual level. I often struggle with feeling like my life is simply being wasted in the time I have to serve. I even struggle with finding the motivation to do this journals some days. If I’m being fully honest, I struggle with this every day, every post. It can feel very pointless, sending these out, seemingly into the ether. Who would want to read my story? What do I even have to offer? It’s not something I talk about often, but it’s something I wrestle with every second of every day. My family helps quite a bit – both my nuclear and extended family are incredibly supportive, as does my fiance (a message from her is the inspiration for this – Love you, Megan!). Even then, it’s a struggle that I take up every day. I wonder though. I’m confident I’m not the only one in here who feels this way – I would venture quite a bit that well over half of the people in America’s prison struggle with this to a greater or lesser degree. Most of them aren’t blessed with the astonishing level of support I have. IF you’re on the outside, and you know anyone on the inside, or can find a way to get in touch with someone, reach out to them, let them know that they aren’t forgotten and they matter. One message from someone I already know loves me, reminding me that what I do matters, that I matter, changed helped turn around a pretty rough mood I’ve been dealing with. You could do the same for someone else, who might need it even more.
