Saturday, December 21st
I’ve been reflecting on this a lot lately, just haven’t remembered to write it down in my journal till now! Ever since I filed my appeal just before Thanksgiving, I’ve had this “peace” inside me, really the first time since this whole SEC/DOJ mess started. In someway its the Lord’s way of saying “don’t worry”, which as humans we are so wired to do at times.
After 9 years though, its the first time I don’t have to be in fight mode, as now there’s nothing for me to do but wait. As such I find myself so relaxed, its kind of crazy saying that still being in prison:) For the first time in as long as I can remember, there really is so little I “have to do” its kid of strange. There’s lots of “I want to do”, but if it doesn’t happen today, it really isn’t going to change anything. I’m definitely getting used to this mentality, and it takes a lot of time to get adjusted. Will be interesting to see how it feels in 3-4 months.
The other thing that’s bubbling up is how lonely it is here now that Derek has been gone a few months. There literally is no one I have found, even close, who I am compatible with, or has similar interests. Unless someone new shows up, its going to be a very boring 6-9 months until I get to camp that’s for sure! And I’m kind of torn on camp, as part of me would rather see the appeal verdict, and when successful, not have gone through a camp move/transition for only 30-60 days. Just more hassle than its worth. Guess we’ll see…
Today was pretty much football- first round of college playoffs. Not any close games, so generally tuned out in Q3 of each game. But at least I got outside 8-9 and 2-3 for two good workouts!
Sunday, December 22nd
Nothing like a very productive 8-12:30 in the library and 12:30-2 in church right after. Something about peace and quiet for 4 straight hours:) Made good progress analyzing the 3 appeals filed, plus the governments response to Rice’s. Two of his arguments are in all 3 appeals, so its helpful to see what the government argues against. The government will respond to ours January 24th, but I have a list of nuances already to send my attorneys after Jan 1.
Also spent some good time prepping on my package for my case manager for the January meeting. Got all my exhibits copied, just need to finish my release plan. I have till the week of Jan.6th or 13th, so plenty of time.
Church is in the movie theatre/auditorium, holding 400 people or so. Big high ceiling cement block room, with no heat. Must have been 50-55 in there, just freezing:) Same for movies in the evenings. Apparently everything is so old, no staff know how to fix the heating anymore. But now we have new fire sprinklers and controls, hallelujah! The worship music is generally good as was today. But when they played a couple Christmas songs unexpectedly, especially Silent Night, it hit me pretty hard. I’d been able to send all the Christmas cards and gifts with letters no problem, but then the loneliness/separation hit me in the middle of that song. I don’t tear up often, but I did then. It all kind of hit me again, the shame of being her, missing everyone,everything…
When I have moments in here that make me feel ashamed, or even a victim, my instinct is to get angry and want to do something about the issue. I debated creating a list of reminders like today so that I’ll never forget what I’ve dealt with, plus can refer to later once I’m out of here. As I thought about it later, I decided not to as one of the blessings of the human mind is its ability to remember the good and forget the bad, and I’d just as soon forget all these miserable experiences:)
Rest of the day was using my last 10 phone minutes to call my daughter and then watch NFL. Pretty quiet rest of the day!
Monday, December 23rd
Nothing like starting commissary day with a fog count to slow things down! Especially on a day when they moved our Unit up a day earlier due to tomorrow being a Holiday. So that makes 3 Units today, not the normal 2 for commissary. So, knowing it would be afternoon before we went, I spent 9-1 typing on/off every 20 minutes. Got a lot done!
Finally at 1:30 we went, and got back by 2:30, so pretty lucky and I got $218 vs. the $205 allowed somehow:) After lockdown, dinner, NFL, reading. Too cold and foggy to go out at 6 for me:)
Tuesday, December 24th
On Holiday schedule, Yard only thing open other than a movie night. Went outside 8-9, but hadn’t realized it was 55, 20 mph wind and rain blowing sideways:) At least no fog! Thankfully the guard was in a decent mood and let us turn around and go into the gym! Chatted with my co -tutor for Practical Money matters, Mohammed, who lives about 6 miles from us in Irvine. Nice to speak to an educated literate person about current events etc.
Lockdown from 9-11:15. 45 minutes longer than usual for some reason. Chow, TV, reading till 6:30 then movie. Switch, with ” The Rock” Johnson, not a bad flick, and actually appropriate for inmates for once:) Never made it back out because of the weather:)
Wednesday, December 25th
Christmas morning, WOW! Knowing it won’t be the same, I made a big effort to focus on today being Jesus’s birthday! Had an early morning call with the Florida kids and grand kids which was awesome. They were at the park already as my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter didn’t want to open presents:) Funny how the little ones drive the bus! Everyone got their presents and Christmas card at least which was awesome, especially coming from here!
Beautiful morning, so worked out 8-9 then locked down 9:30-11:30. During that, the guard delivered brown sack dinners of bologna and peanut butter sandwich ingredients(we prepare thankfully:)). At 11:30 we had lunch/Christmas dinner, pretty tasty with full Cornish game hen, mac and cheese. The 2 best things the kitchen makes here is mac and cheese and cole slaw. I usually skip the carbs but not today! We had a Dr. Pepper and blueberry pie. I give credit when due, the Cornish game hen was rotisseried to perfection!
After lunch tried calling my girlfriend/partner, but every phone had a line 8 people deep, and I had church in 30 minutes. No NFL today, a real bummer, as we don’t get Netflix. Had church, was nice to wish Jesus Happy Birthday and then back for lockdown.
The 12 white guys in our unit teamed together to make tamales for Christmas dinner. As did the 180 Mexicans on their own buffet line! My roommate and I used a “heater”, stinger in prison terms, basically a wire plugging into the light switch for power, connected to an electric heating element. So we use it to boil water and cooked the tamales in a plastic bag in boiling water. Tamales were huge and tasted great. We ate at 5:15 right when the doors opened. everyone contributed food, soda, or made Oreo cheesecake. That was Christmas dinner for us:)
From 5-7 watched the Patriot Awards on FOX Nation, amazing what these Americans did to serve or help others in their country. My favorite was Paws for War, a non profit that brings dogs over from the war zone where our soldiers kind of “adopted” and cared for them, but then have no way to bring them home through the military when they return home. Win/Win ” for both ends of the leash” is their motto and what they do!
During the day connected with my girlfriend/partner and daughter/boyfriend. Its bad enough to be in here on Christmas, but its even worse to hear in their voices the pain I caused by not being there with them, it really is.
Thursday, December 26th
After the last couple days of Christmas, today feels like a Monday, and the prison is back on normal schedule, meaning no morning lockdown. So powered on typing my release plan plus tweaking my next blog post and weekly journal.
Went to Library 9-10 to get reloaded on reading books plus print my backlog of stuff. I always feel much more organized after that! Typed 10:30-1, then worked out on a beautiful but windy afternoon,1-3. Felt good to get everything in after past couple days.
After lockdown, my normal Thursday Night football then reading. Pretty much a “normal” day.
Friday, December 27th
Sounds kind of silly, but there is nothing better in prison life then having ones cell to yourself as I had yesterday 8-1. My cellmate was at the hobby shop the entire time, so I got the benefit. Usually its the other way around:)
So I had space to get under the bunk and go through files and stuff(all paper no digital files), especially prior blogs so I can do the next few topics. Plus went back and forth typing the entire time on my Release Plan as well as blog plus journals. Felt good being highly productive for a change!
It had rained hard in the morning, but forecast was only 20% rain in the afternoon, so I chanced it and went outside at 1. Mild temp, no rain though track had plenty of puddles, so did 1-3 full routine again!
After lockdown went to movie, saw eagle Eye, pretty good flick have to admit. Finally got first mail of the week, 7 newspapers going back to last Saturday. Nothing for today though:) Oh well better than nothing:)
Praying for Liberty and Freedom and to see my Family and Friends soon! BJ