Maybe it’s just me but from where I stand, Americans could use a bit more compassion and grace. Don’t get me wrong, there are countless people who have mastered this. What I’m referring to is a general mentality accepted by much of our society, one of intolerance, judgment and stereotypes.
Side note: You might think this writing is prompted by my own experience as a middle-aged woman who spent time in the big house. While there’s some truth in that, it is not the reason I’m sharing this with you. My own experience simply exposed me to people and situations previously foreign to me. It shined light upon things I was naïve about, dismissed or denied.
I used to make ridiculous comments such as the cliché “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” Yes, it’s ridiculous!! It’s this mentality that has inspired today’s writing. See, it’s not that black and white. Besides paint, very little is. We are great at taking a snapshot of someone and creating an entire story in our minds of who that person is. The aggressive driver, the young man in handcuffs… they really should have rationally considered whether they’re willing to do time in prison before responding in a moment of desperation, right? What conclusions do you draw from a brief glimpse of one of these individuals?
I do it too! My first thought — The aggressive driver is some jerk having a midlife crisis who’s showing off in his red mustang. Clearly, he has no regard for other drivers. And the young man in handcuffs — stabbed someone! Yikes, he’s going down.
Life is moving so quickly & we often react so unintentionally that the stereotypes we carry often become our Go-To narrative. In our defense, our brains have been trained to draw such immediate conclusions. Frankly, it’s sort of a self-protective response. Scan quickly, ensure safety and avoid danger! Also of significance, avoid uncomfortable moments!
I’m not suggesting that our immediate reactive ideas are wrong. What I am suggesting is that taking a few minutes to consider other options extends more compassion and grace. Would your beliefs change if you had more information about someone? Here’s more to the story of the aggressive driver and the young man in handcuffs.
— The aggressive driver has his 2-year-old granddaughter strapped in the backseat and is rushing her to the Emergency Room. While they were playing, she tripped, fell and hit her head. She was bleeding badly, he panicked and rather than wasting time searching for his misplaced phone, he strapped her in her car seat and took off for the hospital. By the way – the red mustang belongs to his neighbor. His car is being repaired after a small fender bender a few days earlier and his neighbor let him borrow his car. If you were this grandfather, how would you respond? Is he just a selfish jerk in the midst of a midlife crisis or a grandfather who’s terrified about the safety and wellbeing of his grandchild?
— The young man in handcuffs’ — His parents are drug addicts, he’s an only child and never got the care he needed, in fact a recent psychological evaluation indicates he suffered neglect and abuse
throughout his childhood. He has paranoid schizophrenia but never received treatment because his parents were self-consumed with their own problems. He’s 30-years-old and has self-medicated with illegal drugs since he was a kid. His bouts of paranoia are made worse by the drugs, but he doesn’t recognize that. The guy he stabbed… he was his friend.
See, this young man had been having severe paranoia for several days. He’d barely slept for fear he would be killed. He was convinced that people were following him, watching his every move and were out to kill him. In fear for his life, he asked a friend to pick him up from a nearby parking lot where he left his car to throw off the people that he believed were following him. On the car ride to his friend’s house, he stared at the truck’s floor the entire time. He believed that the people who were trying to kill him had access to his eyes and could track his location if he looked out the window at his surroundings. His friend didn’t understand what was happening and inadvertently made the situation worse. The young man began believing that his friend was not really a friend, but someone in cahoots with the people who were trying to kill him. Without his car there, he felt trapped, destined to be killed at any moment. When the friend came up behind him with something in his hand, he lost it! He stabbed his friend in the hand and leg, and then he took off running to find safety. Thank God his friend was not seriously injured! Knowing this, is he the man you envisioned when you watched the news or scrolled social media? He is a young man who set out to murder his friend or a man whose undiagnosed illnesses resulted in a Fight or Flight response to preserve his own life?
I don’t have all the answers or the solutions to this young man’s current situation. I do, however, have more questions. Not for him, but for those who have been part of his life… his parents, teachers, coaches, leaders at the behavior camp for boys he’d attended. Do they not bear some level of responsibility for how their choices impacted the broader issue? No child protective services or law enforcement were ever notified or involved. Where were the adults when he was an innocent child, reliant upon adults?
I’m not suggesting that we accept these as excuses for harming someone… ever! Nor am I proposing that people are relieved from accountability. I’m merely suggesting that we seek more information and consideration. More facts offer context, and more context leads to a greater understanding. We have all made bad decisions or responded hastily. Metaphorically speaking, you were the aggressive driver at some point in your own life. Undoubtedly, you’ve made some pretty significant errors in judgment that could have been disastrous. We have done it because we’re human. We are all just trying to make our way in life.
Thank you for traveling this journey with me.
“In compassion, when we feel with the other, we dethrone ourselves from the center of our world and we put another person there.” ~ Karen Armstrong, Author