Can anyone hear me?
That’s how I feel most days enduring this incarceration. I’ve been through so many ups and downs. Desolation. Depression and pain. I lost my son and missed a significant chunk of his life. I lost my soulmate, Dala, to Ovarian cancer. I lost my career. My respect. And I feel into some very dark times. But writing has given me an outlet. Poetry. Fiction. I have written a novel and several poetry books. Unpublished, as of yet. But, just the process has given me so much insight and joy. When I was a kid, other kids had goals of being Policeman, Fireman, Astronauts and other things. My dream was to be a father and a good dad, and to be a solider, like my dad. My hero.
Every day is hard in here, but I survive it. 17 years and some change and it never gets easier. I’d like to share a piece I wrote that I recently read to a group of men and the executive staff, in a seminar we held through Psychology service as Peer Specialist. It’s called Bowling Pins.
Do you ever feel like you get up every single day just to get knocked back down?
For me, I have quite a few of these days. Prison life is tumultuous. For me, it’s like a warped version of Groundhog Day, except I’m not Bill Murray. I face the same issues and obstacles, day in and day out, that most of you face, everyday. I feel like my life is a “Bowling Alley” and I am a bowling pin. The Correctional Officers are the “Rack” as they direct and set us up for the day. And for some unbeknownst reason, a person we come in contact with, the “Bowling ball” comes out of nowhere to knock me down.
Even when I escape the brunt of their assaults’ and they don’t “Strike” me down, they circle around for another attempt to get the “Spare.” Often times I’m lucky and problems, issues, and peer oppressions form other Adults in custody I face get resolved. I utilize the tools I’ve learned over the years to resolve these conflicts, (Cognitive Based Therapy) and those issues get thrown in the “Gutter.” But there have been days when I have felt like I was “Bumper bowling” since every last problem or issue I’ve faced seems to bounce back contiguously. Those are the days when you have to be strong, overcome the trials and tribulations you face.
A little bit of transparency, I may appear jolly and jovial, because I’m always laughing and joking with people throughout the day, but I really struggle, every single day. Do you ever feel like this?
Do you ever feel like everything in your life is a test? A struggle? Or feel like when will this end?
We’re given certain test in life that test our will. Those things will ultimately make us stronger. Remember, failure is only temporary. If you fail, try again. You’ll make mistakes, but understand those mistakes DO NOT define you. What you do after the mistake with the knowledge you gain is what defines you. Count that mistake as a hidden blessing. And use it to combat your next bout of failures. You can not let people or things determine how you want or will live the rest of you life. It’s yours. YOU determine how live and thrive in this world. We all face hardships. We all had to endure Covid-19, the Pandemic that turned into a TRI-Demic, and so many other things. But what do we do in the face of adversity? We face it head on. We go into these hardships and that will ultimately determine the chapters of life that we’re writing for ourselves and how they’re written.
If we give up, haven’t we allowed the people that have hurt or oppressed us to win? Haven’t we allowed their manipulation and irrelevant agendas to overtake us and triumph over us? Do we live in vain or shall we let their manipulation, that hurt and pain spark a fire within us that allows us to rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. I used to get upset all the time and think, “This person has all the luck. Why can’t I be like them and do what they do? I can’t catch a break.” If you are thinking along the lines of this similar thought pattern. Don’t!! Do not let what others do influence your decisions for the worse. Focus on you. Tackle issues head on. I’m not going to lie, facing your demons can be extremely painful. But you will be better for it when you conquer those demons. You should strive to become a better person. Use the tools you have been given to succeed and affect change within you.
When I was incarcerated a 17 years ago, I was full of anger, attitude, rage, resentment and shame. The “Me’ you see today is not the person I was back then. I was unrecognizable, and the scary part is that I didn’t even realize it. I learned that those feelings of darkness made me into something I did not want to be. Now, well happiness is on the cusp of my day, everyday, even on the bad days. I only have to claim that victory! Happiness and positivity can live within me for an eternity if I so choose, because I have cleansed my spirit and made it habitable for that joy to flourish. Now, I’m not perfect by a long shot, and God is working on me each day, but I try to be a better version of me than I was the day prior. I no longer hold onto grudges, pain, or useless feelings. I have crawled out of that abyss. And I want the same for all of you as well. So you may be able to withstand the Bowling Balls of Life…
