To the President of the Board and respected members.
I’d first like to express my deepest remorse and offer my sincerest apologies for the pain and suffering I’ve caused the Gamboa Family, The Kaskowitz Family, and the Thomas family.
I would like to present you with this statement in order to explain the changes I’ve made in this recent year, both mentally and emotionally. And how that change and this time has helped me to prepare to speak to you with a humble heart and mind; and appeal to you on behalf of my desire to be granted parole, and return home to reestablish a physical relationship with my son, and become reacquainted with the rest of my family.
Every year I have been met with anxiety, hope and then despair. Every task that I take upon myself is in effort to help me become a better person. And then thinking I had did enough, I would be told that I need to do more time. I would be confused, and I was hurt and angry for a time. And honestly, emotionally drained. At times wanted to give up. But I could not give up because I did this to myself. I can blame no one but myself. So my frustrations and anger weren’t in my opinion rational. I actually had to go back to a tool I’ve learned from the Challenge Program and apply it. The Five Rules of Rational Thinking. If you can answer yes to at least three of the five rule, then your thinking is rational. So, I asked myself 1. Are my thoughts based on objective reality or facts? 2. Are my thoughts protecting my life and health? 3. Are my life helping me achieve my short/long term goals? 4. Are my thoughts keeping me out of conflicts? 5. Are my thoughts leading me to feel the way I want to feel?
They were all no. And that’s things about change and becoming a better version of yourself, its a continual process. If I were to be better, I need to remember to ‘do’ better. Be more. It gave me new focus because my thought weren’t based on fact. I could do more with my time, my thoughts were protecting my health because I was getting depressed and emotionally sick when I could have used my time more wisely to achieve the desired results I sought, and I hadn’t achieved all my goals. Those rules brought so much to light and created an eagerness to succeed, to become a better man and father, and to transform myself into someone my son and parents can be proud of kept me going. I refuse to fail them again, or myself.
Also a statement in a newsletter, made by Michael G. Santos, of Prison Professors Talent, helped me tremendously in comprehending privilege of the time I’d been given and how to utilize it to my advantage. He stated, “Every decision you make today will shape your tomorrow. Use this time wisely. Invest in yourself. Learn new skills and prepare for success. No matter how long you have left, it’s never too early or too late to start planning for your future. The effort you put in now will determine the life you build when you walk out those gates.” He also stated, “Remember success is not an accident. It’s a choice to prepare for success, and you’ll be ready to seize the opportunities that await you.”
Mr. Santos posed this question, “Analyze your current mindset: How can shifting your focus from merely serving time to actively preparing for your future change your life?”
And to answer that question, it has changed my life dramatically. At first, I looked at the time as a punishment, solely. And yes, it’s punishment for my actions, but it has also been an opportunity to for me to develop different sills to better myself. Those skills and tools are now evidence based, and they are present in everything that I do. My supervisor gave me this model from DiClemente and Prochaska’s Six Stages of Change. It’s a popular model to help people understand how they can adjust and change their behavior. Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, Maintenance, Termination. It’s been instrumental in my change and understanding how my behavior will be more conducive to the accomplishments I’m seeking for my future. It’s helped me in a time where I felt hopeless, its reinvigorated me, so that I may stay the course. I just want to be seen as a human being. A living breathing person with feeling and not a number or face on a page. I want to matter. I’ve been existing in here for years and now I want to “live.” I humbly ask that you consider all of my efforts and growth in the past year and see that I have been working diligently to earn the privilege of your consideration in regards to my freedom. Thank you.