Encouragement
Last week was a hard week on me. I felt that I wanted to quit most of the things that I am currently participating .I wanted to quit the program . I did quit journaling in here because I felt that I do not have anything smart or positive to say . The weekend passes and I didn’t feel better , I felt worse . I was bitter , I didn’t want to work on my program materials and home work. The funny thing is that that I like the program . I like writing to Prison Professor even though it makes me vulnerable , (what I don’t like). So why am I shutting down ?! . Then it hits me . Lies and manipulation are my triggers. I felt that I am not safe. I just saw a peer manipulated the whole community about another peer and almost caused her to get in trouble. If that wasn’t enough it happened to me the following Monday when a different peer tried to do the same thing me. It was the first time since this year began that I felt like quitting. I did a Rational Self Analysis and tried to rationalize my beliefs , however , it didn’t really changed the facts or the way I felt . It did ease the way I felt and lightened my mood. Then on Tuesday , I didn’t want to go to programing , but I talked myself out of this cut-off mood. I went to check the “word of the day ” board for the morning and the word was ” Cut-Off “.What are the odds ?! . (As part of the program we need to write every day how the word applies to our growth and healing). It was a sign from above. I cant quit . So I sit to write how Cut-Off applies to me and here is what I wrote . Cut-Off applies to my growth and healing because I am currently in a Cut-Off mood and I am trying to kick it in it’s groin. In the past , at the moment that I am hurt and I am struggling to regulate my emotions I will end up relationships , quit school , work and will crawl into my own shell. Recently , I realize that I am a strong individual. I am still getting to know myself , so maybe I do not know fully what I am , but I do know what I am not , I am not a quitter ! I am fighting this feeling because it is not about what I want anymore , it’s about what I need .I need to start and finish this program successfully by doing the right thing . I will not quit when things gets hard . I will continue working on this behavior by practicing the coping skill ; “Do what’s hardest “.
Later on that day , I spoke in group , I spoke my mind , assertively and respectfully , I told the peer that tried to hurt me that I don’t trust her and I will distance myself because I don’t feel safe around her. I told her that it is my believes that she has control issues and she is dangerous. My DTS came to see me later and said that she was proud of me , for speaking up for myself even when its hard.
A few hours later , I received an Email from Michael Santos that praised me for my commitment . This Email encouraged me as well as the conversation with my DTS. It is not that everything now is rainbows and butterflies or should I say Care Bears , but I am feeling better. It is also showed me a few things ;
1.One good word can change someone’s day , week or life . in other words everyone of us have the power to lift others.
2.it is important to say what is on our heart even if we do not think that the other person will like to hear it . we just need to be respectful.
3.we are stronger then we think .
I know now that I am ready to go back home to be the strong woman I grew to be. So yes I shut down for a moment , like a computer that needed to reboot and when you will read this entry , you will see that the reboot was successful.
