January 2024
- Mr. Shaidt visits our program.
- Nichole from Conscious Discipline visits our program and teaches us Conscious Discipline – an integral part of the Horizon program.
- Had a legal call with my attorney.
- Talked to my best friends in Oregon.
February 2024
“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it” -Edith Wharton
- 13th: The first mandatory class I’m teaching is Life Mapping. For this class, I created a pirate theme, made captains logs with stained, vintage-looking covers and a stand-up parrot for the whiteboard, and purchased Pirates of the Caribbean music to play every morning before class. Though some students enjoyed the pirate-themed warm-up activities, almost every one of them was almost obsessed with earning the gold paper coins (pirate booty) I made. They earned coins by answering questions in class and when everyone on their pirate team turned in their homework on time. They anticipated me bringing out the trifold every night with each team (Scallywags, Motley Crew, Peg Legs, etc.) displaying a new coin if they succeeded together.
- 24th: I held a “Family Night” for my house (There are 7 houses led by one PF my house is The House of Boldness!) in our learning center/classroom. I made my ladies invitations, and we played the movie Fever Pitch and I had coloring pages for them. I would’ve bought them snacks if I could’ve afforded it, but they appreciated our time together.
- We have a new program coordinator, hired by our program director, Mr. Shaidt.
March 2024
“Conservation is a continual series of challenges – the fight for conservation never ends…press on to meet new challenges, for they surely await…for those who strive to keep the Earth fit for life in all its many splendored forms” -Tom Cade
In honor of upcoming Earth Day, I received approval from our coordinator and the Warden Of Education for an activity I came up with. My goal is to bridge the gap between justice impacted people and the community through handmade cards showing appreciation for what they do for society. I made cards for our ladies to decorate. I believe it will give prisoners motivation and courage to connect with society and do something selfless, while creating a different image of prisoners for free citizens. Our ladies jumped at the opportunity. The cards they made are lovely! (stay tuned for April when they’re delivered!)
April 2024
- Our cards were delivered to Wildlife Rescue Ocala-they loved them! They posted photos on their Facebook page with our coordinator! Our ladies were thrilled to make a positive impact!
- The eclipse on the 8th is the last one in the U.S. for 20 years. We were outside looking by sharing our sunglasses and holding 3 up together. We got a couple officers to look through the shades with us!
- Practiced the drums, but the high hat is broken.
- Started teaching the daily mandatory class for this quarter: Houses of Healing.
Friday May 10, 2024
Last day teaching Houses of Healing. Very challenging class to teach. I was proud of the women for opening up in class and for allowing themselves to be vulnerable, either openly during class or in their written homework.
Thursday May 16, 2024
My first day teaching our Marine Zoology class for FCB! I produced the 6-week lesson plans and was ecstatic when my class was approved by classification! For the first day of class, the learning center room was packed! I introduced my area of profession and previous jobs and introduced my best friend (through photos on my tablet), my fellow former dolphin trainer who now lives in Oregon. I displayed large posters I made of Cetacean anatomy, whale behavior, and important notes for their final. I made a huge hoop and a target and demonstrated how a dolphin can be trained using operant conditioning by having a volunteer touch the target to her nose and jumping through the hoop, all while neither of us spoke. I fed her gummy bears as a reward and taught the class about the “bridge” and jackpots!
Thursday May 23, 2024
2nd day of teaching my Marine Zoology class. Per my best friend’s suggestion (my fellow dolphin training intern who now lives in OR), I had my class stand in a big circle for an Echolocation activity where everyone was a tree, with one person (the bat) walking with eyes closed. When the bat got too close to a “tree”, the tree would say ” tree!” It was a silly, but fun activity. I drew diagrams of how echolocation works and went over more notes.
May 19-29, 2024
- Failed video visit with my husband. After all this time, we still can’t get them to work. Customer service has no solution. My best friend in Indiana can’t get it to work either. Heartbroken I can’t see their faces.
- Nichole from Conscious Discipline visits and teaches a class.
- Placed on waiting list to practice drums in the chapel.
- Legal visit with my attorney!
- A friend orders me iCare (where loved ones can order us a hot meal-REAL food! I’m so grateful).
June 03-17, 2024
- Received legal mail from my attorneys.
- Mailed the signed paperwork back to my attorneys.
- Had a Harry Potter movie marathon one weekend for our dorm! I made inspirational quotes from the movies and hung them up.
- Our new prison warden visits our program (Horizon FCB) for the first time. She seems to be pro-programs.
- Received my free books from the Open Books organization.
- Called my best friend from back home in Indiana.
- Did bible study with a friend in my dorm.
- Dropped off box of journals for my husband to pick up at his next visit.
- Nichole from Conscious Discipline visited our program to teach a class (an integral part of our program).
Monday June 17th, 2024
Me and three other Peer Facilitators are moved out of the dorm out of nowhere, due to the prison’s new mandate regarding certain charges. We and most of our participants are devastated. Tears and hugs from all directions while we packed up and were forced out. Only 2 PFs and the clerk are left to run the program. I’m moved into a cell in a bleak two-story building (the most notorious and dangerous on the compound) with one of the other PFs. Heartbroken and feeling hopeless. I’m holding onto God’s promises the best I can. While trying to shove the stuffing back into my deteriorating mat, I broke down. We both cried. Us four feel like we’re being punished all over again (continuously) for our past crimes.
Mr. Shaidt, the owner of the Horizon FCB program received an S.O.S. call and drove to the prison. He came into the building my coworker and I now stay in and gave us both a hug. I cried, feeling like a lost stray dog who’s owner came to rescue them. He spoke with us about what’s happening and is working on an agreement with the prison. He left us and we felt hopeful we would return to our jobs and our girls. We watched him through our window walk alone out of the prison. Mr. Shaidt is a true man of God.
Tuesday June 18, 2024
My coworker/bunkie and I decided to show up to work, not knowing if we’d be stopped or would get in trouble, risking being sent to confinement. Technically, we are still officially ICT-ed as Peer Facilitators with Horizon FCB. The two of us left in the morning with our folders, coffee, books, and supplies. A few girls at the program’s gate squealed with delight when they saw us approaching with our arms loaded with papers. We received applause and hugs when we came into the dorm, as did the other two PFs who came to work from their new dorms.
Taking four PFs/teachers/mentors out of FCB seemed to bond nearly everyone in our program even closer together. I missed our girls and felt sad when some of them cried when we returned to teach their classes. We found that there were a few participants and a fellow PF who grieved us out of the program, arguing that we should lose our jobs due to our charges. Their motive was to get us out of the way so they or their friends could take our jobs.
During count, us four PFs who no longer live in the dorm sat in chairs near the bubble while everyone else sat on their beds like normal. It confused staff at first, then they understood and counted us separately. The other three and I agreed that we felt like lepers, since we are now obnoxiously segregated from the rest of the prison population. It felt a little humiliating being spotlighted like that. There are participants in our program with the same charge as us, so how does this make them feel I wonder? Still, the four of us have a job to do – a challenging, but rewarding job-and we’re here to do it until we’re ICT-ed (receive a job change). I love and care about these ladies and they’re so scared they’re going to lose us. The four of us carried out teaching our classes, providing conflict resolution, and planning our next class. I wrote on the big, rolling whiteboard a message to our girls, that they’re loved.
None of us know what’s going to happen to us or the program. I don’t know what waits for us tomorrow, but I only hope that Mr. Shaidt is working on getting this straightened out. We were selected by him and his coordinator for this job. He sees our gifts and recognizes that we’re assets. He knows about our past crimes. He looks beyond that and gives everyone in the program hope for the future.
Wednesday June 19, 2024
Again, my bunkie and I packed our stuff and left or work in the morning. We taught our classes, graded papers, mentored and led our meetings, and sat in the corner at the front of the bed area to be counted. The Beatles are helping me get through this time – songs like Come Together, Revolution, Here Comes the Sun, All You Need Is Love, etc.
For our weekly community meeting, our clerk led an activity where the four “removed” PFs names were written on the big rolling whiteboard. The community then called out adjectives and nice things to say about each of us while our clerk wrote them on the board. It brought each of us to tears. Under my name they wrote: Sweet, Devoted, Animal lover, Kind, Awesome teacher/tutor, Compassion, Genuine …etc.
Our clerk opened up a discussion for the community to have us write how all this has affected them, using their training in Conscious Discipline, by Dr. Becky Bailey. They swarmed us with feeling-words, which I wrote out for them on the other side of the giant whiteboard. Learning how they felt broke my heart. Here are a few: Angry, Confused, Helpless, Hopeless, Fearful, Enraged, Lost, Discouraged, Heartbroken …so many words the board was covered.
While in count, our captain arrested our clerk without good cause and took her to confinement, to our shock, with our coordinator was present. It was dramatic and came out of left field. Now we didn’t have a clerk – the incarcerated woman who leads our entire program and works directly under our coordinator (employee). Down 4 PFs and now, we didn’t have our leader. I buried my face in my hands and cried silently and everyone stayed silent, terrified one of us be handcuffed and be taken to confinement as well. Things felt incredibly hopeless and scary during this time. They took our clerk just 7 days before graduation. What are we going to do?
Thursday June 20, 2024
We were supposed to be on the ICT call out, but ICT was (miraculously) cancelled. So, to work we went…not knowing if this would be the day that I would be cuffed and taken to confinement. I’ve never had this much courage in my life. We’re being told the women in the panhandle’s prison know about us and are calling us “The Fab Four.” Being segregated and discriminated against has been a humiliating experience for us. Women all over the compound and staff that didn’t know why we’re here now knew more than they needed to (or wanted to). All throughout the day I pray that God will get us through this. Surely some blessing will come out of this.
My best friend in Canada has been comforting, over the phone. I’m blessed to know a couple people in my new dorm. One of them has been a big sister type for me since I first arrived to prison. A couple of my participants have made sure one of their friends in my dorm is keeping watch over me. I have allies here and when I’m not at work, I stay to myself in my cell and read my bible, read a book, journal, and call my loved ones.
Tomorrow’s the last day of the quarter. Since I know we’re being ICT-ed, there’s no use finishing my lesson plans for my advanced American Sign Language class or Florida Wildlife classes. I’m disappointed I won’t be teaching these classes and I feel terrible when my ladies lament how hurt they are that they were looking forward to my next classes. They beg us to “fight” to come back. There’s nothing we can do but hope and pray our director sorts this out. Our ladies come to us crying. I completely understand their worry about their classes next quarter, not getting the help they need or completing their computer hours. I don’t know what to tell them. I’m graduating with many of them in 7 days (we have an annual graduation ceremony). I’ve been on this journey with some of them for 14 months. They’ve become my family. I understand how important completing this program is to them. Although I battled my own humiliation, stress, and extreme anxiety and loss, I put on the best smile I could and stayed as positive as I could manage for them. I truly care for these ladies.
On a big mirror at the front of our bedroom, I wrote a message for our girls in dry erase marker An inspirational quote by Freddy Mercury (We watch Bohemian Rhapsody often in our dorm) and a reminder to do good, stay the course, and that I loved them (because these ladies need to know that they’re loved, that someone cares about them, and it’s going to be okay). I was told that they kept this message up for weeks afterward.
Friday June 21, 2024
The fab four went to ICT at 7am and were officially given new jobs. It was nerve-racking. I was assigned as a Houseman (someone who cleans the dorm they live in). My 3 colleagues were assigned other jobs like Laundry or Caustics, so I felt blessed. I lost my girls. I mourned losing my closest family – the sisters I always wanted. But I looked at the positives being a houseman meant more time to write. Nearly all my time was devoted teaching for Horizon. Now I could focus on me for the first time since I transitioned from participant to peer facilitator. It feels strange and uncomfortable. Almost like when I’d forgotten how to play piano after 5 years of college.
I started making goals for myself right away They weren’t SMART goals yet, but it was a start. I made a list of all the classics I’ve always wanted to read, but never had time. I wanted to start studying German again. To read the entire Bible. Watch The Chosen on my Pando app. Research Chapter 33 rules and the Policies and Procedures of this compound. What are my rights? To start working on a fiction novel. Hopefully I’ll have more free time to practice the drums in the chapel.
Next week, Tuesday, is our graduation ceremony for Horizon FCB. I completed the program in December 2023 and have been waiting to celebrate. I’m looking forward to seeing my ladies again. I miss them terribly. The program is modeled as a community. I’ve lost my community, my family.
Monday June 24, 2024
I’ve been receiving letters from the girls from the Horizon program telling me how much I’m missed and how the program has fallen apart in their eyes since we were removed. They feel betrayed (as I do), devastated, lost, abandoned, and ostracized. Computer class is on hold, so they can’t work on getting their hours (There’s only 2 PFs left now to run the program and still no sign of their clerk returning). They’ve cancelled their elective classes, including the two I teach – ASL 2 and Marine Zoology. Mr. Shaidt hasn’t given up on us. He’s trying to work something out with classification.
The four of us former PFs feel that there’s a football stadium-sized target on our backs, placed there by DOC. The entire compound is talking about this. We feel humiliated. It’s potentially unsafe. I’m blessed to have my cellmate be my coworker who’s going through this with me. I’m being told by our Horizon girls who have relatives researching this matter that a new “Technical Manual” came out that isn’t included in Chapter 33 or the PPDs. We, and the public, don’t have access to it. Somehow, it allows for discrimination of inmate’s charges in what they’re permitted to learn, be involved in, or work as while incarcerated.
It’s easy to feel hopeless about the future when things like this happen. How are we supposed to be positive members of society if we’re unafforded opportunities to rehabilitate and make a positive difference here?
Tuesday June 25, 2024
Today was our graduation ceremony for Horizon FCB! My new dorm almost didn’t let me go, but when I finally made it to the visitation room, I walked through the door at the front of the room and there was an eruption of applause from a sea of caps of gowns – my Horizon family! The graduating class and those not yet graduated were all there. I started crying when I saw them. My bunkie ran over to help me with my cap and gown. I was so glad that her and the other two PFs removed from the program with me were allowed to be there to celebrate with the girls they worked tirelessly to teach and mentor over the past 6 months. My cellmate pointed to my husband, who sat with the other guests. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, and I stood paralyzed, crying while my cellmate put my gown and cap on me. I was overwhelmed with emotion, seeing him and my participants I love and care so much about. Before the ceremony started, a few of the girls snuck out of their seats to come squeeze me in tight hugs. Two ran up, accosted me, knocking my cap off my head and lifting me into a group hug. My husband laughed, grinning. My husband and I couldn’t take our eyes off each other the entire visit and I got hugs and kisses from him. One of the remaining 2 PFs in the program read off our names to receive our certificates. She said my name with pride and the room erupted again. I felt so loved. I didn’t know the extent that I meant to these girls or how much I impacted them until that day when they made a point of telling my husband in front of me. It was a wonderful, memorable day with a big celebration. I never thought I’d make such happy, fulfilling memories…or make such a difference in others’ lives….all behind the razor wire.
Wednesday June 26, 2024
Studied chapter 33 and the PPDs in the law library all morning. I want to see what our rights are and if I could find something – anything – that mentions this Technical Manual.
Received letters from one of my Horizon sisters checking up on me. It’s true, our dorm is highly dangerous, and I’ve seen things I wish I hadn’t. Yet I’m grateful God put me here to see how the rest of the prison is. I’m meeting some of the girls here and a few are very nice. It’s a very different life from living in the Horizon FCB dorm. There are so many hardships for the ladies here, however, now isn’t the right time to bring those issues to light. For now, I’m taking what the Lord gives me and using only my eyes and ears. “Be still and know that I am God”, he reminds me at this time. What I witness here can be helpful in me advocating for female (and possibly male) prisons one day.
I still miss my Horizon sisters terribly. I still feel betrayed, however I trust God will bless me and the other 3 former PFs in all of this. No weapon formed against his children will prosper. Still, I feel lost.
Just when I need some positivity, I was astounded to receive a letter from a former coworker I knew years ago. It brought tears to my eyes and felt supported. It’s so nice to know you’re not forgotten, especially when in a dark, bleak prison cell.
Tues, July 02, 2024
I had my annual progress review with Classification. I have no disciplinary reports. No bad marks on my record. I asked many questions regarding the mysterious technical manual. The classification officer showed me the manual, but I was prohibited from reading it. He carefully tip-toed around my questions and was careful not to state exactly which charges limit us from having specific jobs, only referring to them as “certain charges.” I couldn’t get him to state it includes my charges specifically. I’m restricted from all sorts of programs, classes, and jobs. Dog training program? Restricted. Equine program? Restricted. Roofing certification class? Restricted. Education jobs? Restricted. Library clerk job? Restricted. I can’t even put books on shelves! If I wasn’t so determined and indefatigable in my hope, optimism, and God’s promises, it would be too easy to fall into the mindset of those around me: “If I can’t even make it in prison, there’s no way I’ll make it out there.” My heart hurts for my peers with that mentality.
July 07-31, 2024
- I’m a Houseman, so I clean all the railings in my quad every morning.
- I’m reading some of the great classics that I’ve always wanted to read, but never found time. I’ve read Frankenstein by Marie Shelley and Dracula by Bram Stoker.
- Went back to the law library on the 10, 22, 23, 24, 25th, and 31st to research and record what I learn from Chapter 33 and the PPDs. No news about the Technical Manual. My husband and friends can’t find anything online. They’ve sent emails either to Tallahassee or the warden.
- Watched a really good Christian movie in the chapel. I spend time in prayer in my cell and pray to God throughout the day when I’m alone.
- 17th: I’ve spent one month now in this dorm away from my community, who still find ways to reach out to me through others and through letters. Those who’ve graduated and left the program before I was removed are sprinkled throughout the compound, including in my dorm. They give their support to me when they see me. The ones in my dorm have a special comradeship with me.
- I’m getting along well with some of the girls in my quad so far. We watch Friday Night Frights together on our TV. It’s become a community thing and our viewing group gets bigger every week. I made scary movie trivia, which entertains them during commercials.
- 23rd: One of my students and friends from Horizon invited me to see her give her first Toastmasters International speech. I was so proud of her. Once again, I got attacked with tight hugs from her and one of my other Horizon girls. We hadn’t seen each other since the graduation when they were there to see me receive my certificate.
- My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary.
- 26th: Drum practice cancelled due to roof leak.
August 01-19, 2024
- 1st and 2nd: Law library all morning for research.
- Video visit scheduled with my husband didn’t work. He couldn’t log in. Customer service has no recommendations.
- 9th: Drum practice cancelled due to baptisms.
- 12th: Mental health appointment.
- 15th: Picked up books ordered for me by my husband.
- 19th: Had a meeting with a different classification officer than the one I met with last month to ask what I am permitted to do here (programs, jobs, courses, etc.). She gave the same answers as before. I told her everything I did as a Peer Facilitator in Horizon FCB. “You look bored,” she said. “I….am.” She was confused as to why I didn’t want to be in the Incentive Program, which is a Peer-to-Peer program one must have a clean record and good behavior for at least 2 years. I told her I definitely did want to be in the program. She noted my good behavior and dedication to Horizon, then gave me an interview for the Incentive Peer to Peer Program (IP) on the spot. I left smiling, feeling hopeful. I looked out my window at night and told God I was letting go of everything. Of wanting to be a PF for Horizon. Of playing the drums (which hasn’t been happening). Of wishing to be in Incentive, which I’ve applied for 4 times before today. What truly matters is getting back to my husband and my loved ones, who are waiting for me. Whatever happens to me here, I’m letting it all go to my Father.
Tues, Aug 20, 2024
I’m in the Incentive Program! I trusted God fully and gave all of the things I’ve been wanting to Him, reminding myself what is truly important and then last night, I was told to pack it up and go to the IP (Incentive Program) dorm. I couldn’t believe it! I’d just been interviewed by the classification lady less than 24 hours ago. My coworker also was joyful because the one coworker in Horizon who grieved us out of the program (to make way for her friends) got shipped to another prison. I arrived at my dorm at 11pm. The mats are big and squishy (an IP privilege)! It’s so soft. No more bruises, pain, or soreness. Everyone in my new dorm is pretty nice. They’re quiet and far more respectful than in the other 6 prison dorms I’ve been in. They’re very well-behaved.
One lady gave me a tour of the dorm and showed me that we have our own bookshelf and so many channels on our flatscreen. IP gets all 3 rec yards, where other dorms have only one, maybe two. They have a pickleball court, steps for step aerobics, Zumba, strength training classes outside, silver sneakers exercise, and even monthly country line dancing lessons! There are flowers planted, three pavilions and another one for working out. They have a big stereo system for working out to music and we have a cornhole game! My friends from Horizon (graduates) are ecstatic I’m here. It felt like a family reunion with hugs and smiles and squeals of joy. They gave me a tour of the lounge. I was so overwhelmed! There are murals painted on the giant walls (painted by inmates), 3 giant flatscreens on each wall with a ton of channels, two ping pong tables, a PS4, bookshelf with board games, giant rubbery chairs and ottomans, wooden tables and chairs, two microwaves, a counter, and a tiny canteen store to purchase a snack. Wow! There are the standard two kiosks and four phones. I was blown away by our Zen room. Yes, I said Zen room! It’s painted with mint-colored walls, wood cut-out screens, foam flooring, two floor tables and some comfy floor seats, bonsai trees, meditation decor, and two large fountains! We have an exercise bike and my favorite – an elliptical machine! I keep getting bombarded with hugs from people I haven’t seen in so long and hearing, “You finally made it!”
Walking to meals is so much easier, as we have our own gate. Every one of us in the IP gets free ice cream twice a week and we can take our time eating meals instead of rushing within the usual 5-10 minutes. Walking to lunch, I heard loud squeals and cheering from the other (non-IP) chow hall and I saw arms waving like fan girls at a concert. They were my Horizon girls. “Heyyyyy! We like the way you look over there!” “Lookin’ Good Kass!” “Yaaay you made it!” I felt like George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life when his friends were cheering him off when he was about to travel the world. I went to sleep with a huge smile on my face and thanked God profusely for what he’s given me. I’ve waited so long to come here and just when I let it all go in my heart and made peace, it was given to me.
Thurs, Aug 22, 2024
I picked up my replacement wedding ring I’ve waited a year to receive! What a blessing! My husband and 6 best friends picked out that ring, pitched-in for it, and had it engraved for me “Love, Loyalty, Friendship” to remind me of all those who love me and are waiting for me to return home. I enjoyed watching movies in the lounge with my friends and played ping pong with one of the girls. I thanked God for blessing me so much this week and humbly asked for the last piece of the puzzle: to play the drums again. And if now isn’t the right time, I trust Him. If it’s not in the cards for me ever, then I accept it. I know it’s bold to ask for something, but I believe my Father would want me to boldly ask for what I want, then trust Him.
Fri, Aug 23, 2024
I can’t believe it! I was put on the call-out to go to the chapel and they let me play the drums! For two hours! I practiced by myself to my own music (I hook up my tablet to their stereo system) and it was wonderful. One of my Horizon girls was there so I taught her how to play. I’ve never taught someone how to play an instrument before, so that was rewarding. I showed her how to use my book, Stick Control, and was surprised when she started copying it down on paper to practice back at her dorm using pencils and a pillow, as I suggested. A staff member ran out into the room and asked why we’re there. I explained and she said she wanted our prison to start a band. I nearly dropped my sticks along with my jaw. The lady said she was tired of the men prisons always winning Corrections Got Talent (I had almost auditioned once when my guitarist pulled out at the last second). She wants to see the women win and wants music that people will want to move to, such as Country or Rock. The weirdest thing was that I had just prayed for this….last night. I showed her the badly damaged/worn drum kit parts that need desperate replacing. Sadly, the staff member is prohibited from fundraising for us. So how will we receive instruments and replacement parts then? The lady advised I write a letter asking people for donations. I told her I wanted to write to local music shops, but my loved ones are too busy to send the letters. She advised that if I could find a way, I should reach out to local churches and schools.
Mon, Aug 26, 2024
I hung out with friends in the Incentive lounge today and am thrilled and grateful for the privilege that has taken two years to earn. I took notes from a book on writing and publishing your first novel at one of the tables. I made a delicious cheese quesadilla in the microwave and couldn’t stop smiling. It’s amazing the things I took for granted when I was free. I watched a movie with friends and played the Sorry boardgame.
Tues, Aug 27, 2024
Today I had free ice cream at lunch (another IP privilege) and I played our PS4 game, Overcooked!2 with one of my closest friends. I haven’t played videogames in years. I can’t wait to play games with my husband again, especially teamwork games such as this one. I haven’t felt this in so long. I’m grateful for everything I have here. One of the ladies I met said it’s clear that I’m not one who will take this program for granted. I can’t stop talking about what God has done for me. Things I’ve waited so long for (months to 2 years) were given to me in a 3-day span: Getting into IP, receiving my wedding ring, and playing the drums again. I’ve told practically everyone how I let go of everything to God in my moment of loss and hopelessness and everything was given to me two-fold. Now I feel overjoyed, surrounded by sisterhood and support, and things that seem small to the outside world, but are so wonderful to have.
Tues, Aug 27, 2024
There are so many nice ladies here. I’m usually somewhat wary in a new dorm around new people, especially now as I know only a couple people well in my dorm – one of which is like an older sister from Horizon. People here seem so….peaceful. There’s no arguing or fighting for canteen. There are fitness and aerobic activities outside every day (multiple times a day), and people in my dorm are so respectful of “lights out.” After master count and the lights are dimmed, people go to sleep. It’s amazing, since this was the exact IP dorm I was hoping I’d come to, since this is the college dorm (Many of these ladies either go to Education early in the morning or they’re in Ashland College and have assigned laptops, which they use in the dorm). These ladies work very hard to better themselves and plan for a successful future. I was speechless when 3 or 4 ladies approached me with hand-me-down clothes they no longer need. They didn’t even know me, yet they were clothing me. I think I may have cried during my nightly prayer-time because of all the blessings I’ve received. My cup overflows.
September 2024
- 4th: Had a legal call with my attorney.
- 12th: Picked up free books.
- 14th: Spent 15 minutes on the elliptical machine in the lounge. Studied German in the quiet Zen room with one of the new girls I met. Played videogames with my close friend.
- 15th: 10 minutes on the elliptical. I love it! I listen to music on my tablet since there’s a tablet and a water bottle holder and we can wear our work-out/dress-down clothes any time we’re in the lounge. Called my best friend in Oregon.
- I was asked by one of the very sweet ladies if I’d be interested in working as the lounge orderly (responsible for cleaning and maintaining the IP lounge). I agreed and she told me she would put in my name to the staff, as she works there and is looking to fill an empty spot. I’ve gotten to know a lot of these ladies and feel mentally at peace. I’m surrounded by people who are working every day to better themselves and who live positively (my kind of people!). I’ve been forming bonds with a good number of these women in my dorm and feel sisterhood forming every day.
- 26th: Hurricane Helene wipes out places near my Florida home. I’m so saddened to see that Longboat Key, Ana Maria Island, and Bradenton Beach – so many memories for my husband and I – have been devastated. Places I loved are now gone. I’m praying that my husband is safe, as I haven’t been able to get ahold of him. One of the greatest hardships of being in prison is worrying about one’s loved ones, especially during natural disasters. I’m praying all throughout the day. I trust in the Lord to protect those I love.
Sun, Sept 29-30, 2024
Finally heard from my husband. We’ve been watching the hurricane on the TV here. I’m grateful he’s okay. No damage to our home. He is helping to clean up the island. I’m so proud of him. I’m worried about the places I’ve worked at: the zoo, the aquarium, and wildlife rehab.
I’ve been focusing on Edovo courses on my tablet, which was introduced to us on September 3rd. I love it so much. I’m taking multiple classes that interest me, all of which I earn certificates for. I like that you can earn points and badges for certain things, including time spent on the app, making this a rewarding resource. This month I’ve completed 13 courses, including culinary arts, Houses of Healing Basics (I taught the full class in Horizon), and my two favorites so far: The Roadtrip Experience by Roadtrip Nation, and Malcolm Gladwell Teaches Writing. I’ve already published a nonfiction during my time on bail and want to publish a fiction novel in the future. Gladwell’s class was insightful.
I asked around and no one minds me updating our dorm’s bulletin board, which is for decoration. I requested and received art supplies though my bunkie who works in education, designed the board, and elected a couple friends to help me. We spent a week, at nights, working on it. I drew everything and they colored. I then cut them out and put the board together the day before October. It is a 1980s Horror movie theme with numbers next to each clue. Removing a paperclip on a bat’s wings lists which movie each clue is from.
October 2024
- The ladies in the dorm, who’ve never seen me work at art, love our Halloween board! They gather around it and have fun naming all the movies. I wanted this to be an interactive board for this very reason. They have fun together through the activity. I was surprised at how much the Warden, Assistant Warden, Colonel, and staff members enjoyed the board and had fun with it too! The colonel or warden wants me to do the Thanksgiving and Christmas board. No pressure!
- Picked up my free book order from Chicago Books to Women in Prison. I appreciate them so much. They’ve sent me helpful books on learning German, our national parks, and more.
- I’m enjoying my job and I like cleaning when the lounge is closed, as it’s quiet and I can clean all areas more efficiently. I enjoy the work and the rare peace of being completely alone.
- 7th: Mental health appointment with my therapist, who I can speak freely about anything I need to. She allows me to discover things about myself, experience epiphanies, and reflect on whatever I need to. I was excited to tell her all I’ve been doing on Edovo.
- 9th: My husband told me not to call today or worry since hurricane Milton’s coming today, as he’d probably lose power. We lost power here briefly.
- 10th: Called my best friend in Canada. Can’t get ahold of my husband. Our entire dorm’s glued to the news, crammed in our day room. Sarasota has 102 mph wind. 3.4 million without power. Watching Anderson Cooper and others in those conditions were frightening. I’m so worried about my husband and one of my closest friends in Fort Myers. I’ve been praying profusely that my loved ones are safe and their homes are untouched. I’m deeply worried and nervous about the zoo and aquarium I’ve worked at, but most of all the wildlife rehab, which is directly on the water. It’s an older facility and a nonprofit. I feel anxious and fearful and am doing my best to trust my prayers are answered.
- 13th: Finally got ahold of my husband! I’m so relieved and grateful he’s okay. No damage to our home. When the hurricane came, he said he had hunkered down in the bathroom with the cat. He says so many places we’ve frequented, loved, and brought us happy memories are completely gone. He described the islands to me and will be going out to help where he can.
- 14th: Step aerobics out on the pickleball court. I love it, though I feel out of shape. One of the leaders, who I call Coach, has come a fantastic mentor to me and a fitness teacher. She has spent many years in prison and lives her life very positively, encouraging others, and as an active member in our community.
- 16th: As a lounge (Wellness) orderly, I got first dibs on a new Wellness and Fitness Certification Class in Education. My coach is one of the teachers. It’s a 16-week course and a positive way to spend my time. I enjoy taking learning opportunities.
- 17th: We haven’t had hot showers in our dorm. In fact, the water is COLD! We’ve been allowed to walk to another dorm to shower for a little while, so as a kind gesture, I made a thank you card and had it signed by the ladies in my dorm. Today I had it delivered to their dorm. Some were vocal, either to me or within earshot, about how things like this are never done in prison. They didn’t mean that in a nice way. Other comments were about how they shouldn’t receive a card because those ladies in the other dorm didn’t have a choice either way. It’s in these moments it hits me just abnormal things are in prison that are second nature out there. I don’t think I’ll ever stop bringing in parts of myself from my normal life, because I don’t ever want to lose that (about myself).
- 24th: Fell off my top bunk and hurt my arm, which is very sore, but I’m okay. I scared the daylights out of the others.
- 27th: My dear friend, I just heard, passed away. My heart aches. She was one of the first people I met here who took me under her wing, around 70 or 80 years old. She’s been here a very long time and has been suffering greatly, due to poor health. I loved her so very much. She was like a mom to me. I used to sit outside with her and buy us both ice cream. I can still see her smile in my mind…
- 28th: Prayers answered! We have a new hot water heater!!! The other dorm loves their card, by the way.
- All month long I’ve enjoyed watching Halloween movies and sharing candy with friends in the lounge.
Thurs, Oct 31, 2024
I ended up dressing up for Halloween, as a few others decided to. I wore my straw hat, hair in messy low pigtails, a patch painted on my nose, a stitched smile, orange cheeks, and pieces of straw tucked into my pigtails. I honored my hometown by being an Indiana scarecrow and the ladies loved it. We used to do these makeup contests for Halloween in the Horizon program and the little elderly ladies got so my enjoyment out of it.
The education staff member who had supplied the materials for our bulletin board visited our dorm to see it. She is very kind and Godly.
Fri, Nov 1, 2024
Very excited to have completed the following courses on Edovo in the month of October:
- Neil Gaiman Teaches the Art of Storytelling (my favorite so far).
- How Can I STOP My Anger?
- Grow with Google: Identify Cyberbullying
- Bottom Line Reasons to Hire the Formerly Incarcerated
- …and more culinary art classes.
I’ve spent additional hours watching videos, reading articles, and more.
I removed the bulletin board decorations and put up the Autumn ones I made. It is a scene with a paper bag tree displaying the leaves I had made and gave to all 85 people in my dorm to decorate and write what they’re grateful for. There is an adorable scarecrow girl at a hot apple cider stand, a crow on her shoulder, pumpkins, and an inspirational quote.
Mon, Nov 4, 2024
My dad would’ve been 99 years old today. He was my best friend, my very first friend, and I’m grateful for him in so many ways…
Because of my Dad, I love animals and wildlife.
Because of my Dad, I’m enraptured by nature and pursue its protection.
Because of my Dad, I have empathy, compassion, gentleness, and kindness.
Because of my Dad, I have humor, joy, and can laugh easily and often!
Because of my Dad, I am a goofball.
Because of my Dad, I am feminine yet tough, resilient, and am independent enough to be who I am.
Because of my Dad, I’m not afraid to get dirty or muddy, smelly, and find value in worms, bugs, fungi, and other nature’s decomposers.
Because of my Dad, I am a big dreamer.
Because of my Dad, I am an explorer. An adventurer.
Because of my Dad, I know how to be treated by a man-and found a wonderful husband.
Because of my Dad, I know how to give, sacrifice, and be of service to others, especially the poor and in-need.
Because of my Dad, I can cry and show emotion and not be ashamed. He wasn’t, and he was a tough, masculine cowboy.
Because of my Dad, I know I can accomplish and achieve anything in life.
Because of my Dad, I know how to be a good friend and put others first.
Because of my Dad, I love sweets.
Because of my Dad, I appreciate everything and take nothing for granted.
Because of my Dad, I easily find joy in the tiniest of things.
Because of my Dad, I can laugh at myself.
Because of my Dad, I can dance.
Because of my Dad, I have a bachelor’s degree.
Because of my Dad, I know I’m no better or lesser than anyone else.
Because of my Dad, I can wear a pretty dress…and hiking boots.
Because of my Dad, I have ice-blue eyes and a genuine smile.
Because of my Dad, I know how to drive a car (and parallel park).
Because of my Dad, I value those who’ve served my country.
Because of my Dad, I am creative and artistic.
Of course, I realize that all of these gifts Dad gave me were ultimately from God, working through my Dad. But today, I wanted to honor my best Kemosabe.
Tues, Nov 5, 2024
Day one of my Wellness and Fitness course. I’m very excited to be learning something new. We use a textbook. There are PowerPoints, vocabulary, and assessments.
November 12-19, 2024
- 12th: Wellness class at 7:45 am.
- 15th: Military Arms and Abs fitness with our group outside. Had a goodbye party for a friend getting released.
- 16th: I am UNBELIEVABLY sore. Can barely get on my top bunk. Can barely walk. Yet I am glad I did the intense workout with coach yesterday.
- 17th: My friend goes home. I’m sad to say goodbye, but so very happy for her.
- 18th: Step aerobics in the morning.
- 19th: Strength Yoga class outside and then in the Zen room.
- The Colonel loved our Fall bulletin board this month. She’s looking forward to the Christmas one I do.
Wed, Nov 27, 2024 (My birthday)
Today is my 36th birthday. Some of the girls surprised me by hanging a birthday banner on my bed. In the evening, my closest friends threw a surprise party. They decorated the back area of the lounge, made me a Harry Potter butterbeer, had me open gifts and read my cards, and they cooked dinner for us. We played video games and had a joyful time. I never knew celebrating a birthday in prison could be so special. My husband wished me a happy birthday over the phone too and was very sweet.
Thurs, Nov 28, 2024 (Thanksgiving)
Everyone was in good spirits today. We ate a Thanksgiving meal for lunch which was very good. I took this day to relax, call loved ones, and spend time with friends after I finished my job shift in the morning.
Mon, Dec 2-3, 2024
- Psych and mental health appts.
- My loved ones in Oregon surprised me by ordering me a hot meal on iCaregifts.com …I was so excited and grateful.
Fri, Dec 6, 2024
Went to the Johnny Cash Tribute concert, by Church Behind Bars. I always enjoy it when Tony Loeffler, Eddie, Marco, and the others visit.
Legal call with my attorney. I was so nervous last night, before this call until God gave me a message that gave me the courage to not only believe in his promises, but expect them. This morning the Joel Osteen podcast episode of the day (which I listen each morning) was “Going From Believing to Expecting.” I came to my legal call w/a renewed spirit and an exuberant attitude. It was decided that I send my attorney character witness letters, my Edovo transcript, and certificates I’ve worked hard to earn here. I received signs from God throughout the day and knew in my heart that I was going home sooner than expected. Joel taught me the power of expecting the fullness of God.
Sat, Dec 7, ’24
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world”- Mahatma Gandhi
I created and led my first activity for this dorm: for months I’ve had the ladies collect our ice cream cups, I drew and cut out figurines, created paper stands, collected materials from the nice education lady, and shaved down Styrofoam balls to make snow. For 2 weekends, starting tonight, I taught the ladies how to make snow globes. The older ladies were so happy and as eager as little kids. They made them for themselves, their friends in here, and to send home to their kids and their relatives. I was tired at the end of the night, but it was so rewarding seeing them all so happy. It was a good turnout.
Tue, Dec 10, ’24
Had my certificates copied at the classification office. I feel accomplished! Friends of mine are already writing character witness letters for me. A lady I’ve known a long while who considers me a daughter sat down right away to write hers.
Dec 12-14, ’24
- Character witness letters have been eagerly sent to me and handed to me by friends. They’ve wasted no time. They want to help me any way they can. They’re ladies I’ve taught classes to, mentored, completed programs with, etc. Their letters bring tears to my eyes, and I realize just how supported and cared for I am.
- One of my closest friends of 13 years has been approved to come visit me!
- I held the final two (late) nights of our Snow Globe Activity. They kept me up until 11pm. I was exhausted at the end; glad it was over. The ladies are so excited they made a snow globe, and they’ve displayed them on the front counter. They’re giving them as gifts for Christmas. It puts a smile on my face and in my heart, especially knowing how grateful some were to send them home. It’s the only gift they’re able to give their families. That’s very special.
- I’m astounded and blessed to have received TWELVE letters from my peers! One of which came from someone I hadn’t even asked, who had it passed on from across the compound at the Horizon program, outside of the Incentive Program! I feel truly touched.
Mon, Dec 16, ’24
I realized last night I didn’t have enough stamps or a manila folder to send all my certificates and 12 letters. Somehow, without me even saying this aloud, a manila folder appeared on my bed. A woman who recently was granted parole thought I’d need it and put it there. Others pitched in to provide stamps, without wanting anything in return. Today, I mailed out everything to my attorney.
December 17-23, ’24
“Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried but you’ve actually been planted”- Caine
- Today marks an important day in my journey! I discovered the Preparing for Success After Prison (PSAP) Program, my Michael Santos! [[“Preparing for Success after Prison” is a transformative course led by Michael Santos, a formerly incarcerated individual and advocate for prison reforms. Inspired by the life of Frederick Douglass, the course emphasizes the importance of preparing for success at any stage of the journey, regardless of confinement…]] I sit in the day room, at a table, and take notes while I complete the lessons. I feel so empowered, hopeful, and excited about my future. Learned about the Johari Window. “Our loved ones know the real us. Our adversaries don’t, and we’d be fools to believe otherwise.” This is so powerful and valuable to remember this. “Live a life w/meaning, resonance, and dignity, regardless of my location.” Yes!
- On weekend nights, a bunch of us stay up late in our dorm watching sappy Hallmark Christmas movies together. I love them. It makes me remember all those magical Christmas moments I’ve had with my husband and family over the decade. It makes me long to return to my husband and have Christmases together again. This probably the most heartbreaking sufferings prisoners must endure. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I try to turn the painful longing to be home with my family into excitement and anticipation of all the beautiful holiday memories that are to come.
- Was excited to watch my favorite band from high school, My Chemical Romance, on TV from the time when I saw them in Chicago. I never thought I’d see them perform again. My husband says there’s no update on the drummer’s death. Very sad. Rest in Peace.
Mon Dec 23, ’24
I participated in Secret Santa (for our dorm). Tonight, I watched the ladies partake in a “white elephant” gift exchange. I had the most fun time watching, laughing along with everyone, seeing how creative people were. Being witness to it was more fun than participating.
Tues, Dec 24, ’24 Christmas Eve
“No man is a failure who has friends.”
As a tradition since early childhood, I watched It’s a Wonderful Life, which my husband has started doing after meeting me 11 years ago. My parents and I would always sleep in sleeping bags on the living room floor near the Christmas tree, next to a lit fireplace. We’d have homemade cocoa and watch it together. 36 years old, I still cry every time I get to the end. George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) has been a role model for me all my life.
I made “Reindeer Chow” (puppy chow) wrapped in TP tubes decorated like reindeer, then gave them as gifts to friends. We exchanged cards, gifts, and hugs. I spent time with my two circles: in the lounge with my Horizon family, watching Christmas movies, the other with my two closest sisters (my bunkies). We stayed up ’till midnight watching A Christmas Story.
Wed, Dec 25, ’24 Christmas Day
“Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end…if not always in the way we expect”- Luna Lovegood
I spent hours of the day journaling (in my private journal) and in introspection. Could not get ahold of my husband, who has been at home sick. I felt terribly sad I couldn’t be there to care for him. Read my book, The Christmas Wedding Guest.
December 27, 2024
My two best friends of 13 years came to visit me from Oregon! We speak on the phone about every week, but I haven’t seen them both in years. They’ve remained my closest support system throughout everything that has happened since I was charged. She and I were dolphin training interns when we first met, and he was my wingman when I met my husband. They were the only family I had in Florida when I met my future husband, and they were the first for me to bring him over to meet. They’ve been a constant in my life. It was surreal to see them sitting with me. They jumped up when I first entered the room, and I broke down when I saw them. We embraced each other for a long while without words. They brought money to buy me snacks and were disappointed I couldn’t take them back to my dorm with me. I felt nervous, as if I wasn’t acting normal like I used to be. When I tried to open a snack, for example, I couldn’t do it properly without making a mess. It made me wonder how strange things will be for me when I’m released. Will I act strangely? Will I look like an alien trying to something that other’s look at as basic? I’m realizing that PTSD will very likely be a part of my future. It was humbling, being there with them in my uniform in that environment. Negative thoughts of shame came pressing down and I had to wave them off and remember who I am in Christ. They didn’t look at me any differently. They stayed the entire 6 hours, and we walked around outside. They had brought Portland weather with them, which I loved. We reminisced about the early days together and had deep meaningful conversations. We talked about what I go through in here, about their work and challenges, about everything I’m doing in here to grow and heal, and we talked in length about the future.
For a long time, my husband and I have discussed moving to OR to be closer to them, as they’re like family. This would mean, as I explained to them, giving up my dream of settling in Germany with the help of River Whitsett and Just Facts, Not Fear, which would give me my best chance of an abundant future, redemption, and to be valuable to society as there aren’t the nearly impossible restrictions there that our country enforces. My two loved ones noted that they’d move to Germany with us if they could find work. Either way, I’ve spent enough time away from my loved ones and my values have changed since my crime was committed. I can’t imagine a future without living near/with those I love and who support me as family does. We took a photo together of their arms around me, squeezing me so tightly my feet came off the ground. I felt overwhelmingly loved. Impossibly loved and supported. They took a copy home with them.
I can’t stress enough how critical prison visits are for the incarcerated. Coming away from this visit (I was very sad to have to say goodbye) and walking alone back to my dorm, I felt renewed with a great energy to keep growing, keep fighting to return home to my loved ones and to not give up, and to plan in any way for a successful future – one where I can be a great asset to them as well. Prison visits are extremely effective in motivating justice-impacted people to be better than who they were yesterday, and to make the world a better place than it was when they were torn away from it. I make myself imagine a future surrounded by them and my husband at the dinner table, of us all hiking and camping and all of the fun adventures we talk about, and of us sitting around a Christmas tree and baking cookies with each other again. I use these images to push me forward. I keep our photo at the end of my bed for motivation. To remind me of how loved I am…and to remind me where I’m going…
Dec 30, 2024
“Forgiveness is letting go the urge to get back at someone and hold grudges. It’s being able to let go and move on.”
- Called friend in Canada.
- 30 min on elliptical machine.
- Michael Santos PSAP course on Edovo.
- Made a birthday card.
- Emailed close friend in the Netherlands.
Dec 31, 2024
“Never limit yourself because of others limited imagination. Never limit others because of your own limited imagination.”
- Spent the entire day in the day room doing Michael Santos’ PSAP course on Edovo.
- Wrote 11 letters to free book organizations for prisoners.
- Announced to the dorm how to write free book requests that I will mail out for them along with mine.
- Helped my coach out with squats.
- Planned a birthday for a friend.
- Called my husband.
- Made and studied vocabulary flashcards.
- Two girls wanted me to do sugar scrub facials with them at night. We drank coffee and many of us watched the ball drop in NYC and counted down to the new year together.
POSITIVES, ACHIEVEMENTS, AND PRAYERS ANSWERED FROM 2024:
- Became a Peer Facilitator for Horizon.
- Taught Life Mapping, Houses of Healing, ASL, and Marine Zoology.
- Horizon graduation ceremony and husband came.
- Very positive annual progress review.
- My husband picked up fishing as a hobby.
- Church Behind Bars concert.
- Accepted into the Incentive Program.
- Edovo classes.
- Practiced drums.
- Received my wedding ring from husband and my 6 closest friends.
- My Oregon family visited.
- Accepted a new job I like.
- Friends threw a big birthday party for me.
BOOKS READ IN 2024:
- Wolfpack
- The Coffee Bean, Gordon and West
- Stick Together, Gordon
- The entire Twilight series, Stephanie Meyer
- The Invisible Man, H. G. Wells
- Dracula, Beam Stoker
- By The Pricking Of My Thumbs, Agatha Christie
- One For The Money, Janet Evanovich
- Two For The Dough, Janet Evanovich
- Three To Get Deadly, Janet Evanovich
- Witch, Barbara Michaels
- Strange Brew, Kathy T.
- Four to Score, Janet Evanovich
- High Five, Janet Evanovich
- Hot Six, Janet Evanovich
- Call of the Wild, Jack London
- Seven Up, Janet Evanovich
- Hard Eight, Janet Evanovich
- Hallowe’en Party, Christie
- To the Nines, Janet Evanovich
- Ten Big Ones, Janet Evanovich
- Eleven On Top, Janet Evanovich
- Visions Of Sugar Plums, Janet Evanovich
- Plum Lovin, Janet Evanovich
- Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
- Thanksgiving, Janet Evanovich
- Hope for Animals and Their World, Jane Goodall
- How to Write and Publish Your First Novel
- All Creatures Great and Small, Herroit
- Murder she Wrote: Trick or Treachery
- 100 Hikes/Travel Guide: Oregon Coast and Coast Range
- Halloween Murder
