Started my day off with podcasts, as usual, but didn’t have time to finish the Joel Osteen episode. I realize there was probably a message God needed me to hear later on in the day. -Helped a lady carry her project that I helped her make to her Roofing class. -Lifetime Fitness and Wellness class 8am.
Had a legal call with news I wasn’t expecting or hoping for. I noticed the negative energy pressing down on me afterwards. I heard negative thoughts of hopelessness, such as how all I’ve done to better myself doesn’t matter and no one cares. There were other thoughts not of God and I had to cling tightly to God and his promises. Normally after visit with my loved ones, there’ always bad energy when I return to the dorm. However, today there was joy and brightness. I was shocked at how much kindness surrounded me when I returned to my dorm. There was sisterhood everywhere I looked. People wanted to hug me out of the blue. They didn’t know what I was going through. God knew I needed this. I struggled briefly, spiritually and emotionally, so I took the time for deep introspection and uncovered which emotions I was feeling and where those feelings came from; it was disappointment in people who hold resentment and bitterness in their hearts and probably believe they have control over my livelihood, my future, and my destiny. It didn’t take long before I remembered who IS in control of these things. All day, I made positive affirmations from God: I will not give into fear. I will not lose hope. I am His. I am blessed. God promised me a prosperous life. Those people living in darkness are not my creator. My father is, and He loves me just as much as He does them. It’s taken me years to get to this place of thinking. Used to, the shame and guilt wouldn’t’ve allowed it. I’ve come far from those attitudes about myself. How? Because I’ve learned through The Word who I am and whose I am. My husband was crushed and angry when I gave him the update on the phone, however I reminded him that just because one door closes, doesn’t mean there isn’t another door. There may be many more doors. I also reminded him too that never in my 36 years on Earth can I remember a single time when negative thoughts or beliefs helped me in any way – not with a job, not with my marriage, not in my relationships, my healing, etc. I planted the seed of optimism and positivity and left it alone.
Went to my Church Behind Bars class at 1pm. It just so happened that our teacher spoke of resentment and bitterness. The class was exactly what I needed. I realized how close I’ve grown to Christ and how it compares with my adversaries. My trust and faith in Christ continues to grow and strengthen. I journaled what I learned in class and how it pertains to my situation.
Returned to my dorm after class and saw that my new, sweet bunkie had, in an effort to cheer me up, made my bed with fresh sheets and posted little pictures of cute animals on the wall all around my pillow. I teared up and gave her a big hug. It’s actions like this that are the most meaningful in my life-and I thank God for the blessings in these people that He’s given me.
From my CBB class:
“A Godly leader finds strength by realizing his weakness”
- finds authority by being under authority
- finds direction by laying down his plans
- finds vision by seeing the needs of others
- finds credibility by being an example
- finds loyalty by expressing compassion
- finds honor by being faithful
- and finds greatness by being a servant.
I realized at the end of the day that I don’t ever wish to be like those who hold bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment towards me. I don’t want to be like that to anyone else, no matter what they’ve done or said to me. They don’t know it, but these people I speak of have inspired me to be more Christlike in my forgiveness, grace, and mercy. Just like with Joseph’s brothers, I realize today that God is using them for my purpose and walk with Him.
