I haven’t written any journals since the last day of August. The first day of September I got hit with severe depression. Truly not knowing where it came from, and not being able to stop everyday life, I needed to take all my free time to pause and evaluate what I needed to do and how to prevent it from happening again. This prison has a trauma class, very informational and helpful, but nothing like counseling. With little guidance, due to my own choice to figure it out independently, I had to discover my deepest hurts, and how to cope so they wont effect my daily life. I’m not a jealous person, but when I see women have loving and caring mothers, it makes me sad and angry about my situation with my mother. I remind myself that its out of my control, to give it to God, and appreciate the women in my life that are there for me. Also realizing that when certain things are said or done to me, it triggers past events, which makes me angry. Violence only led me to federal prison, so I think I’m good on that. Now, I walk away, wherever I need to escape, and just think “Today is today, it is not your past. When you start tomorrow, it’s a clean slate. When you leave this place, it’s a clean slate, so who do you want to be? What do you need to do/react right now to become the person you want to be?”. It’s not going to happen overnight, and there is so much more that needs to be dealt with, but this is just a little insight to taking a step back, look at the overall and evaluate. It’s okay to pause and slow down to maintain inner peace and future success.
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