Journal Entry: Fernando Cordova-12/01/2024

Journal Entry

Another goal reached, I wrote essays until the end of the year. I will continue to write here and there as ideas come to me, but I had set a goal to write at least one essay each month until the year ended. It feels good to have been able to do that and stay committed to doing it. It will be a new year soon which means more goals to accomplish.

Christmas Time by Fernando Cordova

My fondest and most vivid memories come from the Christmases I spent with my family, including my extended family, enjoying the scenery and love that each one showed to the other. It was not a time of arguing or yelling but a peaceful time. From these memories grew my want and need to one day have a home where I could make Christmas time a daily routine. The festive ambiance that shined through for weeks was such a great time. It was during this time that I felt the most secure and loved. Christmas time could be a figment of my imagination, due to the chaotic home I grew up in, but I know that for me it was the best time of the year.

I have the habit of always looking back to when I was an innocent child and how marvelous Christmas time was. It all seemed so magical and even when you would see a stranger they too were in a wonderful mood. Around this time it seemed like all the social differences we have evaporated. That we were all just human beings treating one another as we were born to do. This time of the year was my favorite because it was like the dew on the trees dripped love, everywhere I looked or went love was in the air. It was so great to be wrapped up in all this love, as to be loved is all I longed for. All year long I would go to my friends’ houses to play and I would see how they interacted, and I would wonder why my family was not the same. Then came Christmas time and we were just like the others.

For some reason or another, all these memories and desires stayed with me, even to this day they remain there. I am reminded daily just how much I long for a home full of love. Where my family and I can express the love we have for one another and not be chastised for it. Not be called soft because someone sheds a tear or wants a simple hug. At this time, I feel different, I close my eyes and picture all that would transpire during this time. I return to that innocent child who did not know the world as it is now, but a world that no harm comes to it or its inhabitants. Even while I was making all the wrong decisions, once this time came around it seemed that all was rectified. This was my soul crying out to be good, this I know now. It was the real me that had been hidden for so long wanting to do right. As look upon my writings and thoughts, it is almost as if I created this time because it was a moment of perfection.


It was the perfect everything. The smell of the tree, the smells of the food being cooked and baked, thewrapping of gifts, the joy of giving, the hugs full of joy and love. I remember the laughter of my entire family and how I could just sit there in awe at the joy of all. I have longed for this all my life. These moments that either happened or I created in my mind, I know now that they are possible to obtain. I know that with my family now we can live this. I realized that I needed an attitude change and an understanding of what a real man is. I have for so long listened to my “friends” who taught me that wanting this was wrong. I needed to stay in the same old rut to be somebody of importance or even be relevant for that matter. I was taught that I needed to close off my heart to all that was good and then I would find the love I searched for. This was coming from people who have never taken the time to be introspective and understand themselves, yet they would give out life instructions. I have learned that I do not need to be ashamed of who I am and my desire for peace and love. That I can have my Christmas time and be proud of it.

I have come to learn that through belief in myself, I can make a change within my family and in society. That one day at a time, one action of positivity at a time, change can come. The impact of showing one person love will leave a lasting impression. I know if I believe in my abilities that I can be the role model I have wanted to be. I can show others my errors and how not to fall into the same thought process I had. That we can make life better just by believing in ourselves. The noise around us tends to suffocate who we really can be. It tends to bring us down and tells us we can not do this or that, yet dismiss all of that noise and reach for the stars one goal at a time. Christmas time has been with me for many years, yet because of all the noise around me I pushed it far down and never showed it. Now I know that I can have what I longed for.
I always had a fear of expressing my inner thoughts and feelings for fear of ridicule and rejection. I have learned now that I will never have peace or find what I am searching for if I do not express myself. If all I do is keep everything bottled up, how will I know what I want or how will others know what I want? These things have brought a change in me because I do not want to hide who I am no longer. The Word says that through our mouths we confess what is in our hearts, for in our hearts is where our treasures lie. We tend to hide these things because we do not want anybody to ruin it. Yet we must learn to release it and be proud of it. I am free of all of this these days. I can express myself and I do not have to worry if someone else does not like it. As I accept others for who they are, in turn, people must accept who I am. Not being able to express myself had been a hampering of my true self, yet thanks to the coaxing from my wife, I learned how to open up. I am no longer running from my emotions, dreams, and real self.

In the end, we can all find our Christmas time. We must not allow fear or outside noise to bury the desires of our hearts. Rejection comes to all but it is how we take this rejection that matters. It is your self-worth that nobody can take or reject from you. Christmas time remains the same today as it was yesterday for me, a time of love and a magical feeling. I just had to embrace it and not allow anyone to take it from me.