DIY 7 HABITS: HABIT 5 / SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
We have needs. The physical basics–food, water, air, clothing, shelter–are what come to mind first, and for good reason. Without them, we cannot survive. Once the body’s needs are addressed, those of the mind and emotions come to the fore. Affirmation, validation, appreciation, and understanding are the other forms of nourishment we require. Without them, we cannot thrive. Humans are social creatures. It is through bonds built on trust and reciprocity that our species has advanced to dominate the planet. Making and keeping commitments strengthens those bonds–our integrity in action is critical. So too is our ability to communicate. When most hear the word “communication,” they default to thoughts of expression, of speaking and writing. But equally important, if not more so, is skill and intention in listening. It has been said that God gave us two ears and one mouth. Best to use them in that proportion. It matters that we listen to others, but it matters even more, especially in sensitive situations, how we listen. People want and need to be understood and our communication partners are able to tell if we are honoring this desire. As usual Dr. Covey is not afraid to put a fine point on the matter in introducing Habit 5: “If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communications.” Think back for a moment to the classes we took in school on listening. Having trouble calling those memories to mind? Unfortunately, precious few of us were ever taught listening skills. Reading, check. Writing, check. Public speaking, Check. But no listening. Our teachers might have told us to be quiet to let someone else talk, but that is a far cry from learning to listen for understanding with a person whose position of authority (like the teacher) does not demand that we do so. Instead of truly listening, what most of us do is wait to talk. We register some of what is said to us and run it through our mental filters, or as Dr. Covey terms it, “reading [our] autobiographies into other people’s lives.” He breaks down the four autobiographical responses as follows: 1) Evaluate: agreeing or disagreeing 2) Probe: asking questions from our own frame of reference 3) Advise: giving counsel 4) Interpret: trying to figure people out We are deeply scripted in these responses, but because they are all centered on ourselves and not the other person, they are ineffective in achieving empathy and understanding. The alternative is empathic listening and it is the pathway to building strong relationships of deep trust. Covey wrote, “Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.” He goes on to stress that this approach to listening is a reflection of an intentional shift, bringing our full presence into the interaction to perceive what is communicated through tone, feeling, and body language. Assuming that our motives are pure, we can consciously practice becoming skillful in empathic listening, to great effect in our relationships. Dr. Covey lays out the four development stages that we can expect to go through in our practice: 1) Mimic content: This is the skill taught in active or reflective listening, basically repeating back what we hear. 2) Rephrase content: Same as mimicking, but using our own words. 3) Reflect feeling: Adding a verbalization of the emotional content behind what we hear. 4) Rephrase content and reflect feeling: This final stage demonstrates that we have taken in the speaker at every level, and that we are attempting to confirm our understanding before moving on. The payoff for our efforts to grow as empathic listeners is profound. As Covey described it, “When people are really hurting and you really listen with a pure desire to understand, you’ll be amazed how fast they will open up. They want to open up.” What parent wouldn’t want more open communication with their children? What spouse with their partner? What boss with their employees? When we take the lead, the people in our lives will follow because we are satisfying one of their basic needs. In interactions of two-way communication, including negotiations and dispute resolution, once we have thoroughly understood the other person’s perspective and have given them the psychological air they need, it will often come naturally for them to reciprocate by hearing us out. We have established credibility and reset the terms of communication. We have made it possible for the best in our counterparts to come out. Our group discussion of Habit 5 focused on intent and outcomes. Prison is filled with people harboring ulterior motives. Those who are in the mode of manipulation are hypersensitive to being manipulated themselves. If they sense that our intentions in applying a technique like empathic listening are sketchy, they will resist. But when we’re coming from the right place, even in this interpersonally dysfunctional setting, seeking first to understand works. We found ourselves lamenting that the 7 Habits aren’t compulsory for everyone who works and lives at Thomson. So much discord could be avoided just by the practice of Habit 5. My period of incarceration reinforces the paramount importance of relationships for me every day. Studying Habit 5 reminded me that I still have work to do, and Dr. Covey once again called me to be courageous in that work when he wrote, “Empathic listening is also risky. It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to be influenced. You become vulnerable. It’s a paradox, in a sense, because in order to have influence, you have to be influenced. That means you really have to understand.” When I return home I want to help my wife and sons through the trials and tribulations of their lives. In my community, I want to make an impact. In the workplace, I want to add maximum value. In order to do so, I will need to seek first to understand the needs and wants of those around me. What a rewarding adventure it will be to show up for the people in my life in this way and watch our relationships strengthen and deepen. In my spiritual tradition of recovery, we are fans of St. Francis. In his noteworthy prayer he summed up my intentions when he said, “Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.” What I have found through these explorations, among many other insights of immense value, is that timeless wisdom is timeless for a reason. Seek first to understand. Goodness flowing out into the world through our relationships will follow.
