DIY 7 HABITS: HABIT 4–THINK WIN-WIN Nobody, including Dr. Covey, ever said that living according to principles would be easy. The promise is that the effort we put forth to change and practice will be greatly outweighed by the effectiveness gained. When we go out into the world and attempt to live in this manner, often among people who are not yet on the same wavelength, we find that we will have to be the ones to step up and take the lead. Those first steps of living differently in our relationships will require faith and courage, but they must be taken. It is our responsibility to make our lives an invitation to others to join us in relating in a better way. That is why our personal growth must be deep and persistent enough to give us the needed strength. As Dr. Covey wrote, “You can’t change the fruit without changing the root.” In a world seemingly dominated by runaway self-interest and hyper-competitiveness, the implications of his position are far reaching–the good doctor was not short on the courage of his convictions. He goes on to lay out the Six Paradigms of Human Interaction: Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, and Win/Win or No Deal. Advantage seeking is in our nature, which tends to be overactive in some of us, making us default to Win/Lose wherein we focus on getting what we want to the detriment of others. This life strategy forecloses on the possibility for higher-order, collaborative outcomes. Approaching all interactions with a Win/Lose paradigm also damages relationships because it violates our inherent senses of fairness and reciprocity. Dr. Covey does make it clear that each of these six paradigms can be appropriate, depending on the circumstances. He adamant though that Win/Win as the default, coupled with situational awareness, is the optimal approach. With practice our courage will grow, allowing us to operate out of the paradigm of Win/Win or No Deal. Covey described the experience of bringing this mindset to our relationships: “When you have no deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you have no need to manipulate people, to push your own agenda, to drive for what you want. You can be open. You can really try to understand the deeper issues underlying the positions.” Especially in business, to be honest and upfront in an interaction and say, “If we can’t agree, I’m walking away agreeably,” takes guts. This level of transparency and self-assurance is more respectful, ultimately commanding respect in return. The power of the Win/Win paradigm to unlock potential in our relationships is immense. Dr. Covey wrote, “Win/Win is not a personality technique. It’s a total paradigm of human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality. It grows out of high trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishment. It thrives in supporting systems [and processes].” Diving into the Five Dimensions of Win/Win–character, relationships, agreements, supportive systems, and processes–he turns his attention to businesses and organizations, but since character heads the list, it is worth taking a more detailed look at the teachings on that individual subject. Dr. Covey emphasizes that, “Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation.” He then lays out three essential character traits: 1. Integrity–The value we place on ourselves, expressed as keeping commitments to ourselves as well as others. 2. Maturity–The balance between courage and consideration, or as one of Covey’s professors at Harvard Business School put it, “…the ability to express one’s own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others.” 3. Abundance Mentality–The paradigm that there is plenty available for ourselves and everybody else. From this solid core, we can reach out to form strong and mutually beneficial relationships at home, in our communities, and in the workplace. The organizations that are created from such relationships have the ability to deliver maximum value to all stakeholders. The chapter closes with a discussion of Win/Win performance agreements. Although these agreements are most relevant in business, I found myself pondering how transformative they could be if put into practice in our carceral system, especially for those in minimum security camps, halfway houses, and on home confinement. The five elements of a Win/Win performance agreement are: 1. Desired results–What is to be accomplished and according to what timeline? 2. Guidelines–What are the applicable rules, restrictions, and constraints? 3. Resources–What support is available? 4. Accountability–What are the performance standards and the plan for evaluation? 5. Consequences–What are the performance incentives and penalties for nonperformance? It is hard to overstate how different the incarceration experience would be if the BOP used this approach. It would foster a rehabilitative transition for those returning to society. Having earned our freedom through true accountability, we could then make similar agreements with our families, employers, and communities when we get home. Not only would we be helping ensure our own success, but we would be bringing with us a paradigm and practice that would add value, enriching the lives of others. Unfortunately, the system is currently a far cry from working in this manner. Our group discussed this sad reality at length. The system is adversarial by design and the counterproductivity of it is compounded by the fact that the staff is inculcated with the Win/Lose paradigm. Any gains we experience are viewed as losses by them, and our recognition of this attitude elicits oppositional behavior. Collaboration and cooperation would benefit all parties, as well as society, but it is practically nonexistent in prison. This dynamic between the staff and residents, as well as among the residents, does not absolve us of the responsibility to live by our principles. We discussed the courage, creativity, and consideration it takes to practice Win/Win or No Deal in this environment. We have been blessed with the teachings and tools, and therefore, we must lead, even if it makes us square pegs in a round hole. As I reflect on Habit 4, I am confronted with the scarcity mentality that has become ingrained in me. I am working actively on eradicating beliefs of lack and scarcity from my core. While it is true that life has handed me setbacks, it is also true that I have also brought hardship upon myself through self-sabotage motivated by a flawed paradigm. I have been a self-fulfilling prophecy about not being good enough at various points in my life. It is time for that way of living to end. I am worthy and capable of having Win/Win relationships with others, and with life itself. I am reconnecting with my true nature of abundance, and I see that limits are a temporary and transitory illusion. This type of abundance is not about having more, it is much more profound than that. It is about living out of the simple but infinitely powerful and liberating realization that I am enough, I have enough, and there is enough.