Achieving the private victory that Dr. Covey promised will be the result of putting Habits 1-3 into daily practice requires significant effort. But the work is worth it, moving us from a state of dependence up the maturity continuum to independence. Before beginning the next phase of the 7 Habits journey, we pause to reflect on the territory we’ve covered, as well as touch on the fundamentals of being in effective relationships.
Covey wrote of the prerequisites of interdependence, “So the place to begin any relationship is ourselves, inside our Circle of Influence, our own character. As we become independent–proactive, centered in correct principles, value driven, and able to organize and execute around priorities in our life with integrity–we then can choose to become interdependent–capable of building rich, enduring, highly productive relationships with other people.” We get right with ourselves, greatly increasing the likelihood that we will be right in the roles we play with our family, friends, coworkers, etc. We are coming from a place of self-respect, self-discipline, and even self-mastery. We are rock solid and the people in our lives know they can count on us. All good things are possible through relationships when trust levels are high.
The core practical teaching of the Paradigms of Interdependence chapter of the book is the Emotional Bank Account. This is a powerful metaphor that Dr. Covey created and championed, defined as, “…the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.” The words and deeds that pass between us are registered in our minds and hearts. The positives are “deposits” and the negatives are “withdrawals” in Covey’s parlance. This is the way of relationships. Our job as effectively interdependent people is to strive to keep strong balances in the accounts we have with our people. This practice is not about petty score-keeping; quite the opposite. It is about seeking to make a positive impact on a daily basis in ways big and small.
There are numerous deposits that can be made, but Dr. Covey offers up six, with “Understanding the Individual” heading his list. Of this deposit he wrote, “Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make and it is the key to every other deposit. You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual.” Looking back, perhaps it would have been better if the Golden Rule had been stated as, “Treat others as they wish to be treated.”
The other five major deposits are:
2) Attending to the little things
3) Keeping commitments
4) Clarifying expectations
5) Showing personal integrity
6) Apologizing sincerely when you make a withdrawal
If we get out of ourselves, opportunities abound to be of service to others in these ways each and every day. Freely making these deposits, no strings attached, is its own reward.
In our group discussion we focused on the emotional bank account, and the deposits and withdrawals that we experience inside and outside of prison. One that we agreed has particular power is showing up. This deposit, which could be considered a hybrid of #2 and #3 above, can make a huge difference in our relationships. Showing up seems like such a simple thing to do, and it is, but it is often neglected, especially in the hustle and bustle of modern life. Our presence is a gift we give to others–in times of need, for birthdays, weddings, funerals, graduations, births, or for no reason at all–that leaves a much longer lasting impression than the time it takes us. It’s one of those little things that is big for the other person.
Prison is a transactional environment. We also talked about the unfortunate reality that when people do things for you in prison, they often expect something in return at some point. It’s a suboptimal way to live and no way to build relationships. We have to be discerning about who we relate to inside and how we do so, but we don’t have to sacrifice our commitment to our principles in the process.
In reviewing this material I see the dynamics between the staff and resident at the camp more clearly. They spend much of their time making withdrawals of disrespect and dehumanization. We too often let ourselves get caught in that cycle and reciprocate with our own withdrawals. At some point there is a blow-up, and at the time, it seems like it was out of proportion to the particular circumstances. In fact it was, because it wasn’t just about that instance. It was a collision of emotional bank accounts that are critically overdrawn. If I want to be principle-centered, I have to extricate myself from that cycle and focus on making deposits, even with people who I’m convinced don’t deserve them.
Dr. Covey’s teachings lead me into personal stock-taking every time I revisit them. As I reflect on how I am relating to the men around me, I see that I have work to do, especially as it relates to honoring those who are not present. Throughout my life I repeatedly overcame the tendency to judge and gossip about other people in various spheres–family, workplace, my spiritual community of recovery. The camp culture is shot through with this flaw and I confess to backsliding. That is an attitude and behavior that I definitely do not want to bring home, and so I am working to change once again, correcting my judgmental thoughts and biting my tongue.
Sean Covey wrote that his father was often asked which Habit was the most important. Sean’s response to that question after years of experience is, “Whichever one is challenging you the most.” Bingo. My relationships are of paramount importance to me, and whatever work I have to do to be my best self in them is what I will do.
