THE HARDEST THING
In my grandfather’s home office there were two signs that stood out to me among his many belongings. One read, “First things first,” and the other, “Do it. Do it now. Do it right now.” The power of those simple admonitions did not sink in for me at the time, but they do now.
During visits to my grandparents’ farm in Western Kentucky, there was a rhythm to the days. If chores or a project needed to be done, they were addressed first. The rest of each day was then free for what my grandfather called “farting around.” The fun stuff. Of course, at that age, the fun stuff was all I wanted to do, but his farm, his rules, so I did what needed to be done.
My parents did their best to instill similar discipline, work ethic, and prioritization in me, but during my school years, those qualities of character didn’t really take. I got decent grades and graduated from college, but rarely performed at a level that expressed my full potential. Procrastination was my default modus operandi.
Fortunately, as I entered the world of work as a salesperson, I realized that I would starve if I took that same approach to my job. The sales calls, especially the tough ones, were not going to make themselves. No calls, no commissions. No commissions, no eat. Discipline and willingness to tackle the most difficult task on my to do list each day became a part of my character through practice. What I found was that the hardest thing was often the most valuable, and even though the fun stuff still called to me, I kept my focus. High performance and success were the results.
I have maintained that approach in pursuing my goal of getting stronger in body, mind, and spirit during my incarceration. Using my time wisely, taking on the most important items on each day’s list even if they are hard, is my way of being accountable to my family and myself. This commitment is a blessing. The institution does not demand much of anything productive from us. Those who are not self-directed quickly atrophy.
As is the case with any life or personal development practice, I am far from perfect, a fact that Skinny has been reminding me of for months. In 2023, I wrote a series of essays entitled Educating Skinny. It was an exploration of the life of one of my fellow campers, highlighting his experiences in the school-to-prison pipeline and his efforts to turn his life around. It is a powerful story and I told it well. There was one catch. The series was originally intended to have three parts. But after releasing part III to my mailing list, it was clear that a fourth concluding installment was necessary.
Onto my weekly to do list went “Write Skinny pt. IV,” and there it stayed. Week after week after week. I knew I needed to get it done and I knew it was important. I want to get more of my writing published and the series would be worthy of publication if I could just finish it. I couldn’t get myself to do it. Whatever momentum I had in the creative process was lost to my procrastination, and the longer it stayed on the list, the more daunting it became.
I was saved by a phone conversation. My friend Tom is a successful author. When we recently spoke, I asked him for advice on how to get a long-form story published. To my surprise, he replied, “Why don’t you send what you have to me and I will connect you with my literary agent.” His generous offer put me on the spot–Skinny pt. IV had to get done.
With the newfound resolve born of not wanting to blow this opportunity and look like a chump, I sat down and finally addressed the hardest thing on my list. It took a week of writing sessions, but it got done, and I am pleased with the result. I’ll compile and revise the entire series, and get it to Tom pronto, thereby keeping another commitment to prepare myself for release through outreach with my writing.
When I finished Skinny pt. IV, I was filled with a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. It was not an easy piece to write, especially because expressing the message of the need to give people first chances at success through education is important to me. The gravity of the topic made the accomplishment that much more meaningful. I had to ask myself, why did I choose procrastination over those rewards?
It’s easy to say that a person, including myself, is lazy when they don’t do what most needs doing. Sometimes that judgment is accurate. In this case, however, there was something deeper going on–fear. I can see that, having written the story well for three parts, I was afraid to end it with a let-down. I felt the pressure and let it get to me. I also knew that I wanted to take a shot at getting Skinny’s story in front of a bigger audience and that desire produced an added dimension of fear. Instead of confronting those fears, I resurrected the old pattern of behavior from my school days, adding a layer of difficulty to an already hard task.
I am grateful to see that dynamic at play in myself clearly, and to have overcome it in this instance. Growth is not about being perfect, it’s about identifying and transcending our weaknesses. When I put the period at the end of the final sentence of Skinny pt. IV, I might not have been living up to the “Do it. Do it now. Do it right now.” standard from my grandfather’s sign, but I still completed the hardest thing on my list. I’m stronger for the experience and even more ready to tackle what comes next.
