Weekly Journal – Priorities
One other thing I have spent a lot of time thinking about lately are my priorities. I liked to think that before my arrest I had good priorities, but reflecting, I know that this is not true. The most obvious example is my crime. Though my actions were not motivated by malice, clearly I didn’t have my priorities in order by doing what I did. In so many ways I know I was and am a caring, thoughtful person, but obviously my selfishness overrode it and my priorities were not where they should have been. I see other examples as well such as my drinking which became a real problem. I took on too many responsibilities at work and then brought that stress home with me. That put me on edge and made me short-tempered. I also let myself be distracted by technology. I wasn’t fully present when I was with family and friends.
These are all things I want to change. As I sit in prison and think about what I miss, it is not checking twitter or anything with my phone. My drinking to excess is not something I miss, it is something I’m embarrassed by. What I miss are my family and friends and experiences with them. I don’t miss things, but people. So I have been thinking a lot about how I can use these revelations to plan for my future.
I realized having extra money isn’t important. I’d rather have a job where I make less, but where I can leave it when I walk out the door and not spend the entire night worrying about things. That way I can be fully present with those I care about. At the same time, however, it is important for me to find a job I care about and something where I feel like I am making a difference. That is why I chose my previous job, and it is still important to me. I do think however, if I can’t initially find a job that fulfills these goals, I can find volunteer opportunities that will. I can envision a scenario where I find any job that brings home money to help support my family while balancing my goal for giving back with volunteering at an animal shelter, my church, or with the re-entry program I have contacts with. The possessions and things I thought were important before, I know I don’t need as long as I’m with my family and sharing experiences with them.
I am not interested in being drunk ever again. As I’ve already talked about, it never led to positive outcomes. I also think social media is not worth it, especially if you waste hours on it. It may be a nice tool to connect with friends, but it is easy to spend too much time on it. I followed a lot of politics and other subjects on twitter and I was so afraid of missing something, I checked my feed obsessively, even while sitting with family at dinner or in the company of friends. That is over. It caused me additional stress and as I said it kept me from being fully engaged in the one situation that I would give anything to be in right now, just hanging out with my loved ones.
I think my personality is very susceptible towards addictions. I have seen it in my family with things like gambling and alcohol so it may run in my family. I see it in myself with my crime, drinking, and technology. So in addition to this self-reflection, I have sought out treatment here to address this. I’ve read a lot about it and it is something I will continue to see a professional about when I leave.
