I think one of the hardest parts of our journey is correcting the mistakes we made. Not necessarily the correcting portion as much as the facing them part. Owning up to what a piece of garbage I was is no easy task. Over the years I have kept the peddle to the metal, going so fast on meth just so I would not have to think about the disappointments, and anger, but more importantly the lives I destroyed.
Estranged children. Little ones I brought into the world, and then selfishly abandoned in favor of a life of drugs and crime. I do not care who you are, there is a constant shame in knowing this fact, and the only remedy I could accept to avoid the shame was to keep going so fast that I never had time to face and feel it.
So many times I described meth for me like driving a car down the road. The slower you go you start to feel every bump and pothole in the road. The faster you go, you glide right over them. That is meth. The potholes represent the voids, shame, disappointments and anger in your life, and you stay going so fast that you never have to feel them. The problem is, eventually you lose control and crash, or hit the end of the pavement and are forced to come to a screeching halt, and there are they are waiting for you to face them.
I reconnected with my eldest daughter, Felecia many years ago after being absent for most of her life. Our relationship has grown and flourished over the years and today (At least I feel) it is something amazing. As amazing as it can be with me incarcerated. Now I recently reconnected with my youngest daughter, Lisa, whom I have not spoken with, well, ever really. She is 28 years old and reached out to me. I avoided this previously, because the pain would be too much. But that is selfish. What about her pain of the missing father? Of wondering why her biological dad wants nothing to do with her? I could have avoided this difficult task by not responding, but I know it was long past time to stop being selfish and do the right thing, no matter how hard.
Situations like these were always a reason to use again in the past, and I would have jumped on the opportunity. But today that is no longer an option. Not because it is not available, because it always is. But because not only do I owe it to Felecia, Lisa, Junior, and all those who have invested in me to stay clean and succeed, but because I owe it to myself. I value who I am today.
Relapse is not an option. Cutting corners is not an option. Facing my past mistakes and righting the wrongs is a must, no matter how painful or shameful it makes me feel. The truth of the matter is, I love my children, always have. Always thought about them and desired to be a part of their lives. I just never knew how to express that love, because I was never shown how, and I think that scared me. So I ran. I used. I avoided it all for as long as I could, and in the process I cheated these precious children of mine of an opportunity that was rightly theirs. I cannot undo the past, but I can make sure the future is much different. I pray to hear Lisa one day repeat the words of my daughter Felecia, “I admire the man my dad has become.” Thank you Michael Santos, Chuck and Linda Baryo, Adam Clausen, Michael Holmes, Lisa Jacobi, Felecia, Lisa, Junior, Mom, Dad, and all the others that have been so patient with me, and shown me unconditional love and support. Your faith and trust, your efforts, are not misplaced.
