Freedom for Me
When I was sentenced to 168 months I couldn’t comprehend the length of it. I couldn’t imagine being incarcerated for 14 years. It seemed like a lifetime.
I’ve been incarcerated for over 7 years now and I am on the downward slope. I have learned so many things and met some wonderful people. My life has changed as have I.
It took me a few years but I found some great women to surround myself with. In doing so I began to believe in myself, more so than I ever have. I began to believe that I was more than ALL of my mistakes, that forgiveness could be found, even for myself. When I had a dream or an idea it wasn’t laughed at, I wasn’t looked at as if I was crazy and felt like I couldn’t accomplish the things I wanted. I was supported. I was helped. I was cheered on. When I did accomplish things I was celebrated with. I began to feel worthy of being in the company of these great women. They opened their arms and accepted me, not for the addict or the 5x convicted felon that I am. They saw more than that and accepted me as one of them. ALL of the labels that I felt that I was, addict, felon, horrible mother, sister, daughter, a bottom of the barrel women who would forever cause others only pain fell away as they embraced me.
There are some horrible things said about the staff in the BOP. While it is true a lot of them are only here to draw a paycheck, I have been extremely fortunate and have a Unit Team who supports and believes in me. They truly care and want to see us succeed if we only put forth the effort. They have listened, given advice, and helped when possible.
My life was a mess when I sat in that courtroom and heard the words, “You are remanded into BOP custody for 168 months”. Since then I have grown in so many ways. Someone very close to me said, “I can see you out there changing lives”. With those word the fear of failure and unworthiness was replaced with pride for the woman I have become. I am still terrified to walk out of these doors. I have been locked within them for so long. I have lost everything. However, I know that I am not alone and the locked doors that have surrounded me, my mind, and my heart have fallen away. I know that I will not only succeed but that I will help other women find their way as well. The judges words that day gave me a freedom that I couldn’t see until now. I am one of the lucky ones who have been given a second chance at life. There are so many others who never get this chance. As crazy as it seems I am grateful for my time with the BOP, for without it, I don’t know where I would be.
