On Thursday, October 24th, Alicevill held a mental health initiative in the recreation center’s gym. The subject for today’s meeting was Forgiveness. It was the third installment. The first one dealt with mental health from the perspective of illness or needing help. The second installment focused on emotional wellness. Both of these previous meetings took place before I arrived at Aliceville and I was very surprised to be asked to speak at this one because I am so new to the Aliceville compound, but I was very grateful I had the opportunity speak at this one, especially since we had to talk about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is such a difficult subject for justice impacted individuals to address. There are so many facets to that one little word: self-forgiveness, forgiving others, forgiveness as a choice, forgiveness as liberating oneself, forgiveness as a religious theme, seeking forgiveness, etc. And when we, as prisoners, must speak on such a complex theme, there is no end to the feelings that accompany forgiveness – guilt, shame, blame, anger, bitterness, frustration, grief, etc.
Many women are in prison because of trauma and pain they experienced as a child or teenager. And that pain and trauma takes root in our lives. Some women are led astray by the roots that flourish, and other women hurt others due to the same pain, the same flower blooming in their hearts. Before we can learn how to forgive ourselves we must learn to let go of the pain we experienced early on – we must forgive those that hurt us – and then we can begin the daunting task of forgiving ourselves.
The event today started with a beautiful song a woman wrote about forgiving her mother so they could let go and move on. There were several poems read by the women brave enough to document their pain, and then there was an interpretive dance where women were able to express their resilience through movement. Then we had a small panel of speakers and the event concluded with another song.
I had the amazing opportunity to talk about forgiveness as a choice. I went in prepared with thoughts, quotes and a book I’d stumbled across at the last minute. I used none of the resources I’d brought with me because I just let the my thoughts flow spontaneously. As an older woman I was looking at a sea of younger faces and thought a speech would not strike the right tone. I talked about how I sometimes struggle daily with forgiving myself for the pain I’ve caused so many other people. I talked about how some days I do well and other days I hide in my room to keep my negativity to myself because I am NOT doing well. I often think of the young sons my husband did not live to see become men, or the parents who lost their only son. I often think of how I was such an ugly person long before I ever arrived at my crimes that I don’t know how people could stand to be around me. I often wish it was me and not him.
None of that is productive, but it is true. I had to address the fact that forgiveness is not easy. And it is not one of the things that time distills. It is the same everyday. But we have to dig deep and make the choice to make our time worth it, make the time we’re spending in prison worth whatever we did to earn our stay here. We cannot languish and prove that the system was right to keep us locked away. We have to rise above the ashes and earn the right to walk amongst those who live positive productive lives. We have to make the time we spend here productive and be better citizens.
It was an awesome opportunity to talk to these people who are at various stages in their incarceration or their own healing process. I enjoyed the other speeches that followed – one woman talked about forgiving the men who murdered her daughter and another woman discussed her struggle with forgiving herself for her crimes. We had a mental health worker discuss the four steps of healing and then the final song/rap that captivated the audience. It was a wonderful time for all.
Later on, while I allowed my mind to wander over all I discussed versus all I left out, I wondered about what it will be like when I have to explain over and over to people who are not on the same level – incarcerated, criminals, however you want to label this level – about my crime. A person cannot act whole and healed when discussing the heinous acts they committed thirty years prior. Their sensitivity is questioned, their contrition doubted. Society expects to see people broken; people prefer the shamed. I wonder how many conversations will take an immediate left turn when I have to explain missing thirty years in society or trying to catch up with the world at large. I wonder how many jobs I will lose before I ever get an opportunity to speak. I know I will face thousands of new struggles, ones I have not yet adapted to, ones I am not prepared for, ones that will seek to break me. I will have to renew my habits of a daily gratitude list, forgiving myself so I can face a new day and get to work trying to find a job and make a way outside of prison.
Knowing all this made today so much sweeter. I can look back and remember simpler times when all I had to do was TALK about forgiving myself, not walk the walk in the face of new adversities. It’s good I’m building a strong foundation of determination and resiliency now because I’m sure I will need it more than ever when the Army finally grants me parole! Today was a wonderful experience and I’m so glad I got to be a part of it. I look forward to the next two installments and hope that Aliceville will continue to push the envelope regarding the prison culture and seek to create more of a therapeutic community.
