Every day is a struggle not only to stay sane but to not give in to the desire to give up. I struggled with addiction since I’ve been incarcerated and not only has it made my time harder to bear but it caused problems for others around me. when I finally opened my eyes to the fact that my existence affected those around me did I realize that in a way we are all in this together. and old saying came back to me from the beginning of my sentence. “it’s us against them.” now at first I thought that it was the inmates against the correctional officers whose job it is to keep us in prison and keep us from having fun. by fun I mean doing things against the rules. most of the time inmates get caught up in trying to be part of the crowd by joining others in activities we would normally do on the streets such as doing drugs, drinking alcohol, or engaging in gang-like activities. basically doing all the things that got us in prison in the first place. even trying to join the “good” crowd is looked on as uncool, especially to young inmates whose idea is to keep a cool image or what is thought of as proper prison image of the tough guy. we are already in prison why not give in to the dark side and be the image we see on TV.? so us versus them to me at the beginning of my sentence meant going against the rules and trying not to get caught. so it was me and my homies against the law whose job was to catch us. cops and robbers. but as time went on and the game got old i realized that cops and robbers is a game left to children who don’t know any better and live in a fantasy world where when they get caught the game is over. as an adult the game doesnt end after you get caught. the game continues and your life goes on getting harder and harder to escape the reality that being a robber is not fun when your locked up away from all the legitimate fun you could have been having had you just been a law abiding citizen. so my idea of us against them changed. now it’s me and those who want to honestly rehabilitate ourselves against the inmates who continue living in the fantasy world that the robbers will always get away. in the end the robbers will always get caught. the good guys will always win and the bad guys will always go to jail if they don’t get killed by other bad guys vying for the prize that everyone is aiming for. I no longer care of the image that the cool guys see me as because they will always be the losers in the end. I want to be the winner and to do that I have to not be the TV. image of an inmate. I have to be the person I want to and care about the image that I can look in the eye and respect when I look in the mirror everyday. yeah I lost friends when I quit doing drugs. i got looked at as lame because I didn’t want to join the party and get drunk. but in separating myself from them I saw them for what they truly were. losers. I watched as their luck ran out eventually just like the old cops and robbers game. they got caught. some died because of their drug and alcohol use. and now I’m still here a forever recovering addict trying to better my mind and get back healthy because I’m going to hit the streets soon. I want to be a better smarter person than the kid who got himself locked up. so I surround myself with those who are of the same mental focus. now it’s us against all those who would keep themselves in the never-ending cycle of doing bad shit in guise of fun and being cool. we can all break the cycle. I did it. I do it every day. I can look myself in the eye and congratulate myself on a job well done of staying sober and getting exercise everyday and reading books of useful content. That’s what is fun for me now. That’s my way out.