I was never good at making friends. even in school i was popular and a lot of people knew me but i was essentially a loner. i can pin point when i became a loner to a single event that happened when i was seven years old.
I made a friend in class his name was k–. everything was goin fine until one day after school while waiting for the school bus to come i wandered over to where my brother who was surrounded by his lackeys. my brother was 5 years older that me and i wanted nothing more than to be accepted by him.
When i approached him and his laughing buddies he pulled me close and said “hey do you want to be cool like us?” i said i did and he continued ” you see that black kid on there?” and pointed to a about 50 feet away to where k– was standing with some other kids. k– was the only black kid in the school being half native American nd half African American.
I said “yeah that’s my bro” by brother and his friends started cackling. one saying “fuck that nigger go beat him up” the others joining in. my brother put his hand on my shoulder and said “do it and you’ll be cool like us” and shoved me in his direction. i slowly walked towards k– not wanting to do what i felt i had to do to be accepted by my brother and his friends. i looked back and they all encouraged me to go through with it and i felt i had no choice.
About 10 feet away i screamed and charged. k– turned and i clothes lined him sat on his chest and rained punches on his forehead. i jumped back up and my and my brother ran to the waiting but that happened to show up. all the way home my brother showered me with praises and i felt good forgetting that me and k– shared a class room. the next morning i gorgot all about it and k– got in trouble for pushing me over in class as soon as he came in.they moved him to a different classroom but the damage was down.
I constantly got into fights from boys who were mad at me for what i did. at recess i sat by myself until it was time to go back to in. i got used of it. my brother still didn’t let me hang out with him and his friends because i was too young. so it was all for nothing. i eventually made up with k– in our freshman year of high school, we were on the same JV football team.
The seven years in between i was friendless until maybe seventh or eighth grade when i befriended some white kids who didn’t know me. by then i was wary of my native classmates. once in high school everything changed. we all basically grew up together and now faced racism for the white and Mexican kids in Madras Oregon. we stuck together.
But i never had sleep overs or hnhungut with anyone at the community center like ototheroys. i went home out in the country and plplayedith my dog or video games. the mother of my child was my first real friend but ours was mostly physical intimacy and until i met her sister i never met someone who i connected with on a intellectual level. but i messed both those relationships up too.
In prison it is easy for me to mind my own business. easy not to care about the next person. eay to sink into anonymity of just being another body in a bunk.
I didn’t come to prison to make friends. i just wanted to do my time. 360 months, minus 4 years 6 months, minus one year half way house and any other benefits for programming for twenty years straight. go home and pick up the shattered pieces of my life.
Friends mean obligation. means taking sides for better or worse.
But making friends happens. and when it down it is a beautiful thing. a genuine friendship no matter where it forms should be cherished and honored. that’s what i believe anyways.
