My fiancée and I read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller as we’ve been preparing for marriage—our second for both of us. Between us, we have more than a few kids, some scars, and a lot of real life that’s been lived already. We didn’t come into this relationship wide-eyed and idealistic. We came in with humility and a deep hope that maybe, by God’s grace, this time could be different. And there is a lot of grace and love.
One of the biggest things I had to face is that I’ve been shaped by a culture (and honestly, my own pride) that tells me marriage is about finding the right person who makes me happy and us looking better in the world. Keller just punches that idea in the gut. He says marriage is about two people committed to helping each other become more like Jesus. And that means it’s going to be hard sometimes. That was actually comforting—to know the struggle isn’t a sign of failure, it’s part of the design.
I’m realizing that to be a good husband doesn’t mean being the boss or the fixer or the guy with all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect in every regard as was demanded in my first marriage. It means serving and loving. I’ve got to choose patience, kindness, and humility when I’d rather be defensive or withdrawn. I’ve got to stay in the hard conversations instead of shutting down. And I’ve got to be willing to change. I am!
Another thing that hit me—probably the hardest—is learning how to receive love. I’m not used to being fully seen andfully accepted. That kind of love is uncomfortable for a guy who’s spent years trying to be strong and “fine.” But my fiancée sees me. She knows where I’ve failed. She still chooses me. And that kind of unconditional love has been showing me what God’s love is like in a way I hadn’t really experienced before.
There’s a part in the book where Keller talks about how our spouse becomes a mirror, showing us parts of ourselves we’d probably rather not see—but also becoming a companion in becoming more whole. That’s what I’m starting to believe this marriage could be. Not just a second chance, but a redemptive one. One built on grace, truth, and a commitment to grow together.
I’m learning that my past—my divorce, the things I’ve gotten wrong, the ways I’ve hurt and been hurt—isn’t disqualifying. It’s shaping me into a man who wants to do this differently. A man who wants to love well. Who wants to be honest, dependable, present. Who wants to show my kids what real, godly love looks like. Not perfect. But steady. Forgiving. Humble. Loving unconditionally.
God’s been softening me through this. Not in a weak way—but in a way that’s making me stronger where it actually counts. I’m not trying to go into this marriage as some polished version of myself. I’m going in as a man being fathered by God, led by grace, and learning how to love the way I’ve been loved.
