September, 2024, MCC Chicago prison
“I Want to Change My Life” — Dr. Steven Melemis
I read this book in jail last year during one of the lowest, most stripped-down moments of my life. And it didn’t waste time trying to inspire me with fluff or clichés. It just laid out the truth: if I want to change, really change, I have to rebuild myself from the inside out. Not just stop bad habits. Not just avoid more consequences. But transform.
This book was written for people like me — people who are sick of living in survival mode, who’ve burned down parts of their lives with addiction, anxiety, depression, and shame. People who aren’t just dealing with one problem, but are trapped in a cycle. The book helped me see that I wasn’t uniquely broken — I was human. But I needed a new path forward. One that actually works.
The Core Message: Recovery is a Lifestyle, Not an Event
One of the most important truths this book taught me is that recovery isn’t about just stopping the addictive behavior. That’s step one. But real recovery is about creating a new life where I don’t needto escape all the time. Where I build systems and practices that support healing, clarity, and integrity.
That includes emotional regulation, healthy relationships, accountability, structure, and purpose. I didn’t have any of those consistently. I had intensity, ambition, and intellect — but I didn’t have peace. I didn’t know how to live in my own skin without hiding behind work, performance, or manipulation.
Addiction, Anxiety, and Depression: A Vicious Triangle
Melemis explains that these three don’t just exist in isolation — they feed each other. Anxiety leads to escape behaviors. Escape becomes addiction. Addiction spirals into depression. And around and around it goes. I saw myself in every part of that triangle.
Before jail, I was using success and control to numb my anxiety. When that couldn’t keep up with reality, I spiraled — depression kicked in, shame started to take over, and I reached for shortcuts that ultimately wrecked everything. I wasn’t just “stressed.” I was dying inside — slowly, then all at once. Seeing how these things are connected gave me clarity: I can’t just deal with one piece. I have to confront the whole system.
The Five Rules of Recovery
Melemis lays out five principles that are non-negotiable if you want real, lasting change:
1. Change your life — not just the behavior.
2. Be completely honest — no exceptions.
3. Ask for help — you won’t survive alone. And for me this includes help from God through prayer.
4. Practice self-care — recovery needs a foundation.
5. Don’t bend the rules — that’s how the slide begins.
These rules hit me like a hammer. I had broken every single one, repeatedly. I tried to change just the behavior — didn’t work. I told half-truths, withheld details, spun stories — it destroyed trust. I refused help, thinking I had to carry it all alone. I didn’t rest, didn’t reflect, didn’t care for my body or mind. And I bent rules constantly — telling myself it was just “flexibility” or “strategy.” But it was just sin, and self-deception.
Living by these five rules now can be hard. But it’s also freeing. They give me structure and clarity. When I follow them, I don’t feel like I’m drowning in chaos. I feel like I’m building something solid, maybe for the first time in my life.
Stages of Recovery
Melemis divides recovery into three phases, each with its own challenges and goals:
· Stabilization (First 30 Days): This is the crash zone — where you stop the bleeding, eliminate triggers, get grounded, and build routines.
· Early Recovery (1–12 Months): Emotional management becomes the focus here — learning to deal with feelings without running from them.
· Ongoing Recovery (12+ Months): This is where you rebuild your life: relationships, meaning, purpose, and identity.
I’m somewhere between early and ongoing recovery right now. I’ve stopped the outward behavior, but I’m still emotionally raw. I’m still facing legal consequences, maybe more prison. I’m trying to repair the relationship with my kids, regain some sense of calling, and figure out what my life will look like if I can’t go back to medicine.
I have to accept that this phase isn’t about “winning” or “getting back to normal.” It’s about healing deeply. One day at a time.
Cognitive Distortions and How to Spot Them
This part was a game-changer. Melemis lists out the mental traps that keep us stuck — the lies we tell ourselves that feed depression and addiction. Things like:
· All-or-nothing thinking (If I fail once, I’m a total failure)
· Catastrophizing (It’s all ruined forever)
· Emotional reasoning (I feel worthless, so I must be)
· Should statements (I should be better, I should be farther along)
· Labeling (I’m just a screw-up, always have been)
These patterns were everywhere in my mind. I didn’t even realize how much I believed them until I slowed down and wrote them out. Now when those thoughts come — and they still do — I can pause, challenge them, and choose a different path. That’s a muscle I’m still building. But even knowing it’s possible to disagree with my own thoughts has been powerful. I also know that God believes in me and loves me, so he doesn’t want me thinking negatively about myself.
Self-Care is a Pillar, Not a Bonus
This book isn’t just about emotions and mindset — it’s also about the physical and spiritual components of recovery. Melemis emphasizes:
· Consistent sleep
· Healthy food
· Physical activity
· Mindfulness/meditation
· Journaling
During jail, I started to actually feel the difference when I got rest, when I moved, when I wrote down my thoughts. Good sleep and healthy food were nearly impossible in prison, but not out in the real world. I know now that real self-care isn’t selfish — it’s preparation. It’s stewardship. If I’m going to love my kids, serve others, and rebuild my future, I need strength. And that means caring for myself every single day.
How I Will Change Because of This
· I will build structure into my day — spiritual, emotional, physical structure — so I’m not just reacting to chaos. Particularly important is my time with God.
· I will be honest about my struggles and ask for help without shame.
· I will give up the idea of perfection and stay committed to progress.
· I will prioritize healing over hustling. Character over image.
· I will rebuild trust with my kids and others by showing up consistently and humbly — not with empty promises, but with real change.
This book gave me a foundation — not a fix, but a process. A real, hard, sacred process of rebuilding. And I’m choosing to walk it.
