Book Report: Mother-Enmeshed Man by Oliver Cooper
This book was sent to me by my wife who feels I have too close of a relationship with my mother or that I let my mother dictate some situations or events in our lives and don’t stand up to her ever and say “NO” and instead do what my wife would want instead (make my wife feel like she’s more of a priority than my mother).
Unfortunately I really didn’t relate to the symptoms of this type of man. I love my parents very much and they have been a very important, supportive part of my life, all the way through, even recently flying to South Carolina in November of 2024 for my hip surgery and even driving me out here to self report a few weeks ago.
Now I understand that both my parents are not perfect human beings and some of their flaws have affected my childhood development and even up into my marriage. For instance my mom had me on a very regimented schedule during my first few years of life in regards to sleep and feeding. I was also bottle-fed rather than breast-fed. She also wasn’t very emotionally available on some levels meaning she would say things like “you’re not hurt” or “you’re not sick”, or “get back out there or get back to school”. She also really liked her younger brother’s personality and mentioned quite often how much people liked to be around him, which made me want to try to emulate his personality. She also may have been jealous to some degree when women came into her brother’s (my uncle) life, my life or my brother’s and in some regards may have tried to sabotage the relationships.
On the other hand, my dad had a very rough upbringing. His parents got divorced when he was quite young and when he was 8 or 9 years old his mother asked him to go live with his grandmother because his mom was finding it too much to take care of 5 children as a single parent. So not having a father, coupled with this traumatic event didn’t give my father a strong foundation to work from and how to be a father. So unfortunately because of this, he was not very emotionally available either. He even had a hard time letting me do various jobs or chores. He was often sarcastic with my mom and would take a second look at other ladies which affected how I saw women and how I treated my wife. One time my dad and mom got into a pretty significant argument and my mom threatened to leave which really scared mean made me worry about what would happen to our family and my brother and I specifically.
So this book was good from this standpoint that it got me to reflect on my childhood and why I do some of the things I do as a direct or indirect result of my parents.
Then the book gets into support and treatment options, a lot of which I already do. It suggested getting a supportive male to talk to which I have done for the last year and a half with Dan Borth. It also suggested different therapies. One of the therapies I have explored is Splankna and it’s theory of how emotions can land or be tied to various organs or areas of the body. In my own self reflection and assessment I was able to determine that I was dealing with shame recently as a result of the sentencing and the punishment of incarceration and this was being held in my left chest and shoulder. Total Release technique (TRE) is another way of dealing with one’s emotions too. Finally the author suggests other interventions including meditating, grounding in nature , exercise and prayer.
