I used to be a broken man. On the outside, you would never know it. I looked like a regular guy going to work and church, telling jokes, coaching football, and volunteering. On the inside, I was filled with panic, dread, and self-hatred. I was fixated on my mistakes knowing I didn’t belong or measure up. Growing up in church, I have always been interested in Scripture. After high school, I felt called to the ministry but chose another path. This path left me anxious, depressed, and unsatisfied. These feelings created an insatiable thirst for worldly things to dull the pain. Searching for peace, I found none. Before long, I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, and pornography. I also pursued a career and a marriage; however, the addictions went untreated as did the anxiety and the depression. Each increased in severity: the anxiety and depression led to more addictive substances while increased levels of addictive substances led to more anxiety and depression. The behaviors associated with maintaining these addictions became increasingly risky. I crossed a line which forfeited my marriage, career, and my freedom. Coming to prison with a case like mine is humbling. For some friends and family, the burden of associating with a sex offender far outweighed our friendly and familial ties. I found myself completely alone with the consequences I created. Yet, there arose a feeling like I was made for more and still had a purpose–as if a still, small voice was encouraging me. I arrived at Marion United States Penitentiary in January 2016 and was immediately hired as a GED tutor. It is such a blessing to be able to utilize my undergraduate degree and work experience to help my fellow inmates. I have held this position for nearly eight years and helped hundreds graduate. The old saying is accurate, lifting up others truly lifts oneself. In 2016, we started a Bible Study in my room that met on Wednesday nights. Soon after, an attendee encouraged me to lead other studies around the compound whenever we could attain permission. These studies offered messages of hope and examples of lives changed through the message and power of Jesus Christ. We still meet each week and have a five-man leadership rotation. I began attending Celebrate Recovery, a 12-step recovery group based on the Beatitudes of Jesus Christ, in 2017. The step studies helped me confront unresolved childhood trauma that had left deep wounds. These studies and small group meetings revealed how my unresolved past led me to make harmful decisions. These revelations did not excuse my actions but showed why I chose the wrong path. Working through the steps dealt with the root of the problem. Treating the symptoms, in my own power, only fueled my addictions and created more wounds. After finishing the 12 steps, I became a sponsor and started another small group of “newcomers.” These have made it through the steps and I am currently on step nine with my third group. There are several other small groups as well. It seems that people see the success of this program so enrollment, retention, and completion rates are up. In 2018, I began an undergraduate program through Nations University. Over the next few years, I earned a Biblical Studies Certificate and a Bachelor of Religious Studies (BRS) Degree finishing with a 3.9 GPA. Currently, I am in the Master of Theology Program with a 4.0 GPA. Also in 2018, I took a course called the “Conquer Series.” “Conquer” was produced to address the growing number of evangelical men who struggle with sex addiction. Being convicted of a sex crime, I was encouraged to find out many men had the same struggles that I once had. This course explained the science behind this addiction–both the psychological and physiological effects. We formed a small group which discussed the study questions, encouraged each other to live in purity, and held each other accountable. More than any other class I completed, “Conquer” affected the way I value others and the way I conduct myself each day. In 2019, our Chaplain missed several months of work for a serious illness. I had the privilege of preaching and leading the congregation during his absence. A prisoner’s actions are visible to all his peers and to those in charge. As a leader, those actions reflect on the institution of which one is leading. The importance and the burden of leadership crushed away my secret sins and many remaining bad habits. I had lived far too long as a double-minded hypocrite; living that way only brought pain and disappointment to myself and others. It tarnished the name of the place I worked and the groups of which I was a part. I refuse to invite pain and disappointment into my life; I will not represent the church poorly. In 2021, I began a Chaplain Service Support Apprenticeship through the Department of Labor. In this role I have taught faith-based classes, counseled other inmates who are struggling, helped manage the chapel library, and helped facilitate different faith groups as they practice their religion. Although we pursue God differently and, in some cases, worship different deities altogether, each is searching for meaning beyond themselves. I help them search their way and hope they see the love of Jesus in my words and actions. In 2023, we began a Reentry class called, “33-The Series-Authentic Manhood.” It is “a journey to authentic manhood as modeled by Jesus in His 33 years on earth.” This class is teaching us how to reject passivity, accept responsibility, lead courageously, and invest eternally. Classes like this give opportunity to reflect on why I made the mistakes which led me to prison. They are also retraining my mind as Christ renews my heart so I will be a good husband and an effective church leader when society allows me to reenter it. Over the years, I have taught many ACE (adult continued education) classes including History, Religious History in America, Intelligent Design, Anthropology 1 and 2, and I have completed several as well. I received CQIA certification and earned an ACT Work Keys Platinum level career readiness certificate with 3 perfect scores. I completed a Drug Education class, Ultrakey 6, and received “GED tutor of the year” consecutively since 2018. I was baptized in the Protestant Church and helped baptize others. Throughout the week, I am in various sports leagues and workout classes. I teach GED, do college work, prepare Bible lessons, attend First Step Act and Reentry Classes, work at the chapel, and manage a compound-wide prayer chain. I am embracing each challenge and blessing that comes my way. I am no longer the man I used to be.
