I have three goals that are driving my life at this point:
- 1) To use the time of my incarceration to work on and improve myself.
I don’t want this time to be wasted. Spending a long time in county jail was very difficult for me. Mentally I spiraled because of the lack of options to be productive and useful along with the uncertainty of this process. Upon arriving at a Federal facility, however, I was in a much better position to find useful ways to spend my time. I was able to spend some significant time on self-reflection. I didn’t like a lot of what I saw. I know I was and am a good father(though I feel like a failure being here), and I know I have a good heart and am a genuinely caring person who will often go out of the way to help people. However, I still made some very selfish decisions that hurt a lot of good people who I care about. I’ve tried to use treatment here to figure out how I went down such a bad path, to stop making excuses for myself, and to ensure nothing like this happens again. So to make some changes, I knew I didn’t want this time to be for nothing. It’s not what I wanted to have happen, but I want to take advantage of this time away from home to work on myself and make myself a better person. I’ve started by taking every program that I can possibly get into. I’ve been pro-active from the day I arrived here, emailing staff to get into any programs offered. When classes weren’t offered I did independent study workbooks through the psychology department. I have taken 27 classes to work on self-improvement including some connected to my mental struggles (depression, anxiety, addiction) some connected to my struggles with alcohol and some connected to my specific offense. I recognize I still have work to do, so I plan to continue treatments both in prison and when I get out (I’ve already researched different treatment programs). I truly want to be a better person leaving this experience.
- 2) To try to make amends to society and the people who were victims of my crime by doing what I can from here and planning for the future.
I can never make up for the damage I have caused. I wish to God I could, but I can’t. It has taken me a long time to accept that. While I strive for forgiveness, I understand why it may not come. I also have to accept that my life will not resemble the life I had pre-imprisonment. What I can control are the choices I make going forward. I believe I can still work hard and have a fulfilling life. I also believe I can make a difference and make a positive contribution to society. To do that, first I am trying to do what I can from here to use my background in finance and education. I got a job as a tutor for the GED class here at Milan. In addition, I helped start and am the tutor for the Work Keys program which is an ACT workplace readiness course that builds skills like applied math, graphic literacy, teamwork, problem solving, etc. I designed two classes I teach myself at night on financial literacy and entrepreneurship. I’ve also helped other inmates with legal work. Through the Bible study and church program here I’ve worked with an educator from the area to help set up a business program as part of their Career and Technical Education curriculum. I also am trying to plan for ways to repay my debt to society when I leave prison. Through my pastor on the outside I’ve set up some plans to volunteer in various areas and to work with an organization that helps formerly incarcerated inmates. I believe I can help them with their financial literacy efforts. I used to volunteer at a wildlife refuge, so I hope to volunteer with a shelter or refuge somehow helping animals. I have a lot to prove to both myself and those I’ve hurt, but I will continue to work hard to try to show that I’m genuinely sorry for my actions and the pain they caused. Words are just words, but I hope through the limited things I can do here, and what I will do, I can show my sincerity.
- 3)To be the best father and husband I can be given the circumstances.
I never realized how much in my life I took for granted until I lost it. My family is my world, and being away from them has been the hardest part of this experience by far. This is compounded by knowing how my actions have so negatively impacted them and made their lives infinitely more difficult. Covid and county jail made being an active parent even more difficult. I had no visits at all for two years because of that. Visits are still difficult because I am close to 7 hours away from home, but my family makes an extraordinary effort to come and see me. Video visits would be wonderful, but we don’t have them here, and the phone limits allow for only one 15 minute call per day. Almost every day I make that call to my kids, which in turn makes it harder to keep in touch with the rest of my family. I have tried my best, however, to not let these limits impede my ability to be a good father. I have come up with a variety of ways to engage with them and continue to work on more. I wrote a series of stories using my kids names as the names of the main characters (a dragon and a unicorn) that have a series of adventures with a moral or lesson at the end of each. We read these and other stories to each other on the phone. We do treasure hunts where I give them trivia and challenges that they follow around the house to get a prize. When we had video visits in county jail, I would design science experiments for them to do during the visit. I try to send them daily emails with math problems, Spanish lessons, trivia and animal facts. I also make math related puzzles to mail home for them along with pictures half colored that they can finish and send them back to me. I also have tried to stay close with my extended family. I interviewed them all about the family, their upbringing, etc. and I wrote a 100 page book on our family ancestry to share. Some days it feels like there is very little I can do to support my family from here, especially my wife, but I am trying and I know I won’t take anything for granted once I get back to them. My priorities weren’t right. I also brought my stress from work home with me and I wasted time on things that just don’t matter. I won’t let that happen again. I know my family is my rock and my support and they will be a huge part of my successful re-entry into society when it happens and I want to be able to pay them back for that support.
