Being incarcerated does not mean being devoid of the capacity to learn, grow, and think,” wrote Clint Smith in The New Yorker in June of 2016. He could have been writing about my life. I grew up in an educated household – parents divorced, and remarried, new siblings, shuttling back and forth between houses – all four parents were college educated and employed in jobs with decent incomes but my father and step-father both had jobs that required frequent moves. I learned independence and resiliency at an early age. Unfortunately, I developed a number of negative traits, too: how to be a leaver, a taker and an abuser. Sadly, I was often the cause of pain in my relationships. I had become an unpleasant person. I was setting the stage for a huge downfall.
I joined the military shortly after I left college but wasn’t successful there due to a deep-seated rejection of authority. Everyone but me could’ve told you I’d fail miserably but I just wanted to leave town. While in the Army I was court-martialed and sentenced to Life in prison for conspiring to murder my husband. However, after 24 years into that Life sentence, the Army Clemency Board recognized my efforts to improve and better myself by reducing my sentence to 90 years. Although I was disappointed because I’d been hoping to return to society, I realized the Army had rewarded my efforts of the last 24 years. A year later they recommended parole, but the Deputy Assistant Sec. of the Army felt it was premature. I am now working on my 28th year of change and improvement, helping to launch a Peer Success Program at FCI-Aliceville that the BOP’s senior administrators in Washington are considering turning into a Pilot Program and taking it national. It’s exciting to be on the cusp of something that could spread to other institutions and bring positivity and change for many.
Every day I wake up in prison with the goal of growing or improving. I am very aware that many prisoners serving long sentences can become disconnected from society. I endeavor to stay connected by keeping busy, staying abreast of local and international news and even making new international friends. I want to learn about new cultures, languages, communities and schools of thought. I think many of my international friends are surprised how ordinary Americans are compared to their images abroad, even if they’re in prison. Additionally my release plan is a huge part of those goals. A good day is making strides toward my release or helping others with their issues in prison. A bad day is a re-affirmation of those goals, an assessment of what I learned, how it could’ve been done better, and acknowledging that I still have residual bad habits that need to be carved away.
It may surprise people but I would love to find a job that involves animals. I was in the dog program for 3 years at FCI-Waseca and learned to train dogs (using positive reinforcement) to assist people with disabilities. My dream job is to work at at organization that trains/donates dogs to veterans who have some type of disability or PTSD. I would absolutely love that! I realize I would have to start smaller, at some other organization, but I’m willing to put in the hard work to earn my way into a position where I can affect more positive change.
It’s absolutely possible for people to change as they age and learn and grow. Hopefully that growth leads to wisdom. I can honestly say I don’t ever want to be the person I was when I entered prison. I am now undoubtedly a better person than I was and I will continue to improve; I look forward to contributing positively to society sometime in the future.
