August 1, 12:00 am. i sat in a car in the garage of my aunts house whom i was house sitting for. she would spend the nights with her sister to console her as her son had just got locked up for murdering her husband, his step father. my brother stayed with his wife trying to save his marriage. my mother was gone frequently as she was starting to build an illustrious political career. i sat in that car contemplating suicide. my heart was broken. the mother of my child was threatening to move to California and i would need to fight her in court for custody. i needed a job, to get a job i needed a car, to get a car i needed my license, to get my license i needed to pay a fine, to pay the fine i needed money, to get money i needed a job. with no opportunities coming forth my life seemed hopeless. my spirit was in pain. and it seemed that no one cared. they only told me to toughen up, be a man, get over it, move on. but i couldnt. i sat in an empty house every night listening to the ghosts move about and had nothing but the memories of what i used to have and could never have again with who i wanted it with. so my only option was to escape this world.
August 1, 1:00 am i sat in a car in the garage of my aunts house with a young girl i saw walking on the streets alone. i asked her if she wanted a ride and she got in. but she had nowhere to go so we went back to my aunts house. she talked and told me a story of abandonment from her family. of how nobody cared to watch after her which the proof was that she could walk the streets all night and no one would come look for her even if she didnt come home in the morning. she told me of her pain and i understood. she had tried to kill herself several times. the she aked me if it wouldnt me easier just to have some one kill her. some one to kill both of us to end our pain and suffering in this world, to be dealt a new hand in the afterlife.i said yes. and then she asked me if i would kill her. i laughed and said what about me dont i get to have someone kill me. she said someone would when i got to prison for killing her and everything made sense. i dont know how everything made sense to me back then. it a mystery i ask myslef every day and question i’ll ask myself every day for the rest of my life.
August 1, 5:00 am. i sat in my room staring at the dead body of a girl i just met a few hours ago wondering who would it be that would take my own life once i got to prison for committing such a terrible crime. how long would it take them to find me. i turned myself in to the police ready to accept my fate.
In county jail they kept me on suicide watch for six days. then put me in protective custody. for the next 18 months during my court proceedings i was moved from one place to the next never spending more than one month in anywhere. the system was hiding me from would be assasins. i tried to find help in the bible but the bible told me to stay away from guys like me. the was no one to forgive me out loud. i ruined my mothers political career. i ruined my families name and reputation when my crime became public. i brought bad feelings towards the whole reservation of which i grew up on and loved. it seemed the whole world was going to come after me. i was sentenced to 30 years for the crime i committed. and when i got to my first prison i was beaten bloody. but i survived and moved on. and eventually i realised that no one was going to come after me to end my life. the plan was never going to end how i thought it would and i found out that i wanted to live, but how could i live with myself now with what i did. i have to live the rest of my life trying to make up for that dispicable crime if it is even possible.
I woke up from my own self loathing and found that i could be a better person who cared about life instead of waiting for death to find me. so i decided to commit my life to trying to help others not give in to the pain that life can bring. that no matter what we can find a way to move on from our own suffering that we put ourselves through. i hope i can do some good with the life i have left. i found a god who is willing to listen to me and it has no name and no book to tell me how to live or what to do. i dont have to pray in a certain direction at a certain time to know it is watching me and believing in me to do the right thing. i simply know in my heart what is good for others and what is not. i follow the path of being the helping hand. aid those who are in pain as i was. i want to ease the suffering by letting them know even a stranger can understand what they are going through. and if it possible for me to intervene i know there is a boundry i cannot cross that those i seek to help must meet me half way and want to get better. and with each person i help out a depression makes me feel better as a person, as a human being. and i hope that my mother some where out there in the great beyond can look upon me and be proud of what i am attemping to do.
