In 2014 I made terribly irresponsible decisions that were abusive and endangering to people I cared about. Rightfully so, authorities arrested me and I was convicted to a sentence of 168 months. I completely deserved my sentence. I am incredibly remorseful for my actions and so regret the pain I caused. With my sentence, I had a lot of space and time for self-reflection. What brought me here? Why did I do my crime? Did I truly understand all the pain I caused people? How do I make amends?
I made a promise to myself, everyone I knew, and all of society to leave prison a better person. I derived that to do this I needed to address my problems with my mental health, physical health, communication with my nuclear and chosen family, and educational needs. This meant that I needed to make a plan.
With my mental health I needed to understand what my depression was, how it molded my thinking errors, and why I would have accepted them as the route to follow. My depression extended to years before being arrested, but I had created a stigma on what it was, and left it unaddressed. Childhood trauma and recent unexpected deaths were swept aside in hopes that it would all just go away. I happened upon the book “The Body Keeps the Score” and was astounded. The book helped me understand so much about myself and helped me confront that I had an untreated illness. Although the book did not advocate specific therapies, it led me to search for more. I then read dozens of books on self-therapy, finding out about the most utilized modality-behavioral cognitive therapy- and adjacent modalities that are showing promising results. One of my best friends outside of prison helped guide my research, and has been a staunch ally in my journey. Her faith, love, and support has helped me discover my many breakthroughs, with many more to come.
As for my physical health, I had let my body fall into failure. The day I was arrested I was 344 pounds. I did not exercise regularly and had no concern for what I ate. My new vision was to become healthier. With this I made a SMART goal to exercise 5 hours weekly at a minimum. I had no idea how much physical health tied into other aspects of my overall self. The more I exercised, the less depression and anxiety I had. Since starting my regime, I’ve now lost over 100 pounds, brought down my A1C from 6.4 to 5.6 and have cut my triglycerides by two-thirds. This took planning and monitoring, and will be something I continue for the rest of my life.
Communicating with family and friends is a challenge in prison. I wrote often without the thought of receiving mail in return. I once read that a person incarcerated makes approximately 3,600 decisions a day, yet outside of prison a person will make about 36,000 decisions. My friends and family are busy. I never tried to weigh my communication on them. Phone calls and pay-per-minute email services get expensive, so writing because my primary vehicle. From this, I also discovered the joy of making handmade greeting cards. Over the course of the year, I’d send as many as 50- for birthdays, holidays, and general “thinking of you.” As my artwork improved, it gave me a new-found pride to be told that a friend would frame my card.
Education is something incredibly important to me. I went to college in Paris, France, and my experience there created a thirst for learning al the at I could. I revived that desire when thinking how i could become a better person. In life, there aren’t many opportunities to be given this much time for self-reflection and improvement. I decided to focus my education on skills that could help me in my new career. I worked on improving my French grammar and conversational skills, my math and writing skills skills, and learning about logistics for a possible career in warehouse management. For each of these subjects I ordered textbooks to work through.
I’ve found that a great way to learn is to also teach. So the only job I’ve had while in prison has been as a tutor. I’ve tutored financial advice classes in Spanish, General Education Diploma (GED) classes- also in Spanish, and English as a Second-Language (ESL). I’m quite proud of my graduation rate.
I’ve also become an advocate for education. I’m currently working with an independent journalist who writes for MultiLingual Magazine. She is writing an article on language acquisition while incarcerated. I’m proud to note how hard incarcerated individuals will work towards something difficult, yet rewarding.
At times it can be strange to me that I can find pride and self-worth from prison. I am here for committing terrible decisions. While nothing I can do will change the past, it is my hope that becoming a better person is the first step to making amends. There are many steps ahead, but I look forward to meeting those challenges.
