More notes on the Women of Impact podcast with Dr. Ramani and others, which have been eye-opening and empowering for me:
Breadcrumbing:
-Super attentive. They withdraw after drawing you in. You’re so used to the neglect that when they do something small (ex: say “Happy birthday” to you), you get excited. You get excited about the little crumbs they give you.
-There’s nothing you can do to stop this.
-Happens so gradually you don’t realize it (that’s why it’s manipulative). This is why therapy is essential. You take the bite b/c it’s better than nothing, but it’s not enough. If you bring it up, you’ll get attacked.
Benching: they want new supplies, but keep you on ice.
Zombie-ing: They ghost and come back from the ghosting. The only thing more attractive than being love bombed is being chosen after a ghost. It’s a power play. They think no one can resist them.
They Will Betray You:
Different kinds of cheaters.
Excitement-seeking cheater: has a level of immaturity. Feel stale in their relationship. They love their partner, but are looking for excitement. Caught up in the fantasy.
There’s the kind who cheats to keep the primary relationship together. To give themselves enough juice to deal with their primary relationship. (These two sound somewhat spot on, regarding my past-terrible-decisions)
There’s the narcissistic cheater – to get validation. Blame their cheaters. They don’t feel bad and justify what they did. They feel entitled to what they did. Ask what love means to them and they act defensive to the questions. They will deny, attack, and reverse order (DARVO). You can’t confront them, even if you have evidence, then they will say “OK! Are you happy?!” – sounds like gaslighting to me. They criticize the one they betrayed. (I can rule out this one) Some cheating is rooted in trauma = shame, low self worth, distorted boundaries. (This characterized who I was at the time of my crime to a T).
They Will Control You:
-Rage. They hold the power. Dominant. If you push anything, you’ll get their rage (manipulation). Remote threat of abandonment – always hanging over your head. They are rejection-sensitive. Will use silent treatment – form of domination. Being ignored = you have no meaning in the world.
“Never wrestle with a pig; you end up dirty and the pig likes it.”
They welcome a fight – a place of domination. Abrupt, hostile, disagreeable, demanding. (Agreeable people: sweet, warm, kind, humble, empathetic, gentle. Even on a bad day). Narcs are disagreeable. Oppositional. Almost like being manipulative to ask them for something. There’s no way to convince them not to be mean about something. You have to weigh out the toll of fluffing them. Radical acceptance (this paragraph fits my abuser very well, including the feelings I had regarding remaining safe with *most* needs met to survive)
They Use Vulnerabilities Against You:
“Firewall” them. Be restrictive of what you tell them. Don’t give away your vulnerabilities. It’s sinister – they want to know them so during the devaluating phase they pull them out. Wait a long time to allow them in. Take your time! (This is something I’m working on currently with the highly manipulative people in the prison environment). They use an apology cycle – over and over and over. It’s okay to have “no fly zones” (I’m working on this too). If they go there, that’s abusive. Adult victims of narc parents: The parent knows what the child struggles with and uses it against them. The kid kills themselves to get their attention. Limit your time with a family member who is a narc after you identify them.
“Recognize you were the child, they were the parent. They dropped the ball. It’s not your job to go back and teach them” (Wow….this left me speechless, but it was everything I needed to hear). Hope, fear, guilt, and lack of information is why people stick around. Vulnerable narcissists are anxious, depressed, and entitled (learning this, I’m able to spot a few from my prison experience).
Narcissism magnets without knowing it. Why: 1) Familiarity-love bombing.
Narcs love seeds of doubt. They will often tell you to stay in your lane. How many times are you going to be invalidated? “Imagine a child growing up with a parent who never sees them, who never hears or notices them, never has empathy for them, never has interest for them. ….now jump that into an adult” (Me….you get me)
There’s a “click moment” or red flags. You’re uncomfortable. Create distance and slowly start stepping away (“hang time”). If you’re the one choosing to get out, it will *always* go badly. They struggle with abandonment, because they’ve lost power. All hell’s going to break loose. You’re in the fight of your life. The earlier you get out, the less harm.
They Will Hoover You:
-When you step away. They love the chase. A common tactic. Power play. Dominance play. Game manipulation. When you step out, you have the power. It’s a dance. Enablers are just as bad as the narcs, downgrade the narcissist. Shame, blame, etc. Pouring doubt into you. Societal pressures can do this too.
Tactics:
“It’s never going to happen again” or “xyz is tough for me” They link anniversaries and holidays to place blame off themselves or why they’re like this. But you’re not important enough to adjust. They use their victimization as a tool. They’ll even put themselves down, brooding. Write down all the things that they’ve done. It’s odd to think about, but helpful.
Came from a home where I wasn’t valued, so I don’t know how I should be treated – how those suffering feel. (I can relate)
“The world of mental health is not serving this group of people who’s going through narc abuse well…” “We put all the responsibility on the person going through the abuse, and they’re already blaming themselves” (This was a powerful statement by Dr. Ramani and I agree with her). But they can’t be taught. No empathy. You’re merely an object to them. You’ll keep evolving and upgrading.
TBC!
