When I was young, my mom used to have this saying, “Boyyy, the Lord moves in mysterious ways…” and I never truly got it or fully comprehended it. But as I grew and matured it became a little clearer. Age has a way of making things come into fruition.
It’s funny when I think about it, right after my NRDAP group (Non-Residential Drug Abuse Program) I was sitting in the day room watching Chicago PD, and there was a character giving a Eulogy for his sister that had passed. She was an addict that had been tied up with a drug dealer and she’d succumbed to the elements. She froze to death from being outside in the -4 degree weather.
In his eulogy her brother spoke of pain and suffering that she endured and the fear of being alone when she need help. He stated that he to felt the pain of her loss, but also the guilt and the pain of not being there when she asked him to come back to help her, but instead was given scrutiny for her illness. He felt that it was his fault and he said maybe when things like this happen we should suffer… we should allow that pain to resonate within us and we should take that pain and hold onto it until we figure out what to do with it and it’s purpose…
In that moment I got some clarity because I have too, held on to pain and to guilt and suffered for years; for what I have done and for what pain I’ve cause others, and not just by my incarcerating offense, but from every other thing I’ve done in my life that went against what my parents taught me as a kid, the manners and morals and respect that drilled into me. When I didn’t abide by that, I always suffered. I think sometimes we suffer because it brings us to a point where we can no longer fight and rebel against the path God has drawn out for us. And I’m not trying to push religion on anyone, that’s just how I feel. Believe in whoever you want to believe in, but someone, some divine force has a plan for us, we all have a purpose and I found that running from mine has cause me nothing but pain, and others, and that is not what I want to do with my life…
I’d like to give those people out their struggling with pain, trauma, torment, stress, violence, abuse, and neglect a better way to process these conditions and their emotions so they can one day find their purpose. Find peace. My purpose is to use my potential and my talent for good and create a path for those behind me and give goodness and kindness to others. I’ve suffered and caused others to suffer and for that I and contrite, I feel a heavy amount of remorse every day. But I will not allow myself to sit around an d do nothing, I will utilize this time wisely and rebuild myself everyday to be better than I was the day before….
It’s funny how I got all of that out of one scene on a TV show… the revelation that that one scene brought me to even compose this entry. I guess my mother was right and He does move in mysterious ways…
