Good morning,
I had a night terror last night. These are always followed up with a full on anxiety ridden panic attack. I was diagnosed with PTSD in my late 30’s, and have had night terrors for over 20 years. I underwent EMDR therapy years ago to try to dissipate the night terrors, and a myriad of treatment programs. Before entering the prison, I was getting treatment from the VA in Dayton, Ohio. For those of you who don’t know what night terrors are, I will describe it to you in the way I experience them. Sometime after I fall asleep, I wake up seeing a man, woman or floating entity right beside me, or hovering over me, staring at me. It scares the crap out of me. I wake up screaming, and punching in the air. It takes a while until I realize the thing I am “seeing” isn’t real, and get my bearings of where I am. I get these because of the rape I endured while serving in the USAF. The VA’s therapy was very helpful, as at one time, I would have them once or twice a week. Additionally, I am on Prazosin, which I just started taking in 2020, and that with the therapy, would greatly reduce my night terrors to once every few months.
While in prison, however, I get them every week again, and more frequently lately, much to my bunkies dismay. It’s embarrassing, and terrifying, and feel horrible that I wake my roommates up in the middle of the night screaming. Prison is not a place full of empathy, so this morning, I am up really early, embarrassed, and worried about having more night terrors. I had to fight to get my Prazosin in here when I arrived, as well as my Effexor, and they have had NO therapy to treat my PTSD. I am the only Veteran in this prison, and I don’t believe they truly understand that treatment is necessary for this condition. This prison and the other “Medical Prison” for women in Bryan, Texas, do not have the accreditation required to treat mental health issues.
I haven’t pushed this issue much in here, because I am terrified to be send to the Carswell Prison, which is in Texas, further from my husband and family, and behind the fence. When I arrived here, I had an assessment done, and they called me down to psych to review my assessment, with concern of my past trauma and suicidal ideations in previous years. The meeting was with two interns, and it felt intrusive, and like they were checking off boxes for a class. One of the interns got up and grabbed Dr. Schuster, who is a psychologist, and they gave me a headset with anxiety “sounds”. I listened to it once, and it was dumb. Not at all helpful. However, my roommate at the time warned me that if I tell them what I actually feel, I will get restrained and placed in a padded room in County. The thought of that is terrifying to me, so I brought back the device and told them I am “fine”.
I have been trying to figure out why my night terrors are increasing, and I know stress has a lot to do with it. I am in a prison, so that makes sense to have increased anxiety, but in having Stacy Howell die last month, seeing numerous women have serious complications and even myself have horrible medical care here for my cardiac issues, I am thinking that is something exacerbating this as well. We also have a “training facility” right by here, and there are gunshots going off all day. This reminds me of when I served in the military, and it’s like I am back where I was raped. I have this lingering thought in my head that I will have a heart attack and die in here, or that someone will overdose, or that I will witness a fight that I cannot walk away from, or a million different other things that have terrified me in here will happen to me too. My panic attacks have increased again as well, and they are exhausting. If you have never had an anxiety attack- you are lucky. They are awful.
I have spent my time since December 4th journaling, and helping others in the prison who need help, as well as teaching classes in the church, but lately, I am getting more withdrawn, as my panic attacks and night terrors increase. I am becoming more concerned, so I plan on going to psych this week and seeing what I can do about them. I will be sharing with them my fears of what my former roommate said would happen to me if I told them what is happening, but I can’t keep waking up with night terrors and ignoring this issue any longer. I am sharing this personal information not to alarm you, but so that you are aware how there really isn’t adequate mental health care in prison. I am also scared to share this with them, because I don’t want them to send me away like I have been told will happen.
Once released, and after I get treatment myself, I plan on helping others who have had to deal with mental health issues in prison, and advocate for better treatment. Mental health has such a stigma, and prison makes any symptoms you have much worse. It is perfectly normal, or so I believe, to experience some mental health trauma in prison. But without adequate help for your symptoms, especially if you come into prison with past trauma, it feels hopeless sometimes. I am truly blessed and grateful however, for my husband, children, family and friends who have helped me deal with the stress and isolation of being incarcerated. I know there are many in prison who do not have that kind of support outside of prison, and so I know I am very fortunate. If anything, this experience has tested my resilience. I am glad I have love to go home to.
