Recently I was thinking about the similarities between weather and life. In recent days, the hurricanes that have ravaged the southeast have really highlighted this idea. During my pretrial journey I was filled with so much worry. The lack of control over my life was a horrible feeling. I’d prided myself on being an autonomous solution-finder; however, I became dependent and there was no timely solution. Little did I know this experience would be a lesson in acceptance and adaptation, crucial skills I’ve found necessary to endure major storms.
Anyone who’s gone through the criminal justice process will attest that it’s a storm like no other. It’s a hurricane, a tsunami, an earthquake; after which nothing is ever the same. Like impending storms, there’s a period of clinching to hope that, contrary to all evidence, a miracle will prompt a change in course. However, it’s often through acknowledgement and acceptance that we recognize that hope isn’t enough. Instead, bracing, preparing, sitting with it and finding ways to cope are vital to survival. Knowing that time spent envisioning the future rather than unyielding to past regrets provides greater power.
I have a ton of regrets in my life. And this experience has forced me to level up. Finding acceptance of things I’ve done, choices I’ve made and my responsibility to face the outcomes has been painful yet invaluable. Sometimes I’ve made great choices that have had positive consequences. But the poor choices, the times when I thought a major life change who fix hard times, those are the sources of many regrets. It often helped temporarily, but ultimately, the tendencies, the weaknesses, the issues were within me so wherever I traveled, so did they.
I held on to my failures tightly for decades. It’s as though I thought punishing myself would somehow change things. But fixating on the rearview mirror made things worse. Now I realize that it’s hard to live in the present simultaneously with the past. Doing so sacrificed time, relationships and precious moments that were unable to blossom. I tussled with feeling disappointment for not being the mom, daughter, niece and friend I’d always hoped I’d be rather than making changes today that would propel me closer to my goals tomorrow. Through my criminal justice journey I decided to surrender to the past and not live that way anymore. I reached a place of acceptance and ownership I hadn’t previously had.
One of the greatest blessings of this experience was finding acceptance. It’s been helpful to acknowledge that when past storms came, I did my best to wade through the waters and brace against the wind, but sometimes I fell short, and my best wasn’t enough. I also admit that many storms began with me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, to finally acknowledge that we are rarely victims of circumstance but have often been the creators of them. Sitting with those feelings is uncomfortable and finding peace is a process that takes time. Like storms, we often have an opportunity to clean up, to rebuild. We can remove the boards, repair the furniture and clean up the mess. Alternatively, we retain the option of hiding inside, avoiding reparations, but it doesn’t solve anything. In exchange, we’ll sacrifice more opportunities to live a richer, fuller life armed with fresh insight. Courage, acceptance and resilience go a long way in life.
Recently I was at my son’s soccer game, and it was pouring rain. Not a sprinkle, a downpour. The kids were soaked, but they played soccer like it was any other day. The coach took off his sandals and walked barefoot in the soggy, muddy grass. I hunkered down in my chair with my partially broken black and red umbrella. What I realized in that moment was that the kids had it right. They didn’t grumble about the weather or complain about how unfair the situation was. They accepted it and adapted. They weren’t whining about joining soccer and showing up to play. Instead, they accepted it and had courage.
We often believe that as adults, we’re more equipped to handle life because we have more experience. Adults are always teachers and children are students, right? I love the moments when I realize how much I learn from kids. That day offered perspective and I didn’t complain about getting wet. Instead, I experienced gratitude for the opportunity to stand in the rain with wet shoes, sit in a comfortable chair covered by a broken umbrella, watching my youngest son who I missed so deeply while I was away. For nine months I didn’t see or feel the rain. As I watched my son’s game, I reflected on the women still sitting on steel seats, surrounded by the concrete prison walls, unable to experience what I could.
The people in prison are enduring a different kind of storm. One they bear some responsibility for. Some of them are using their time to dig deep, introspect, plan for their future and make deliberate efforts for betterment in a horrible place. And, yes, there are some women who do nothing. They’re wasting time, blaming others for problems they’ve created because that’s the curse of the chronic victim mentality. Living differently requires deliberate effort and mindful action. Not everyone is up for that.
I hope you’ll seize opportunities for acceptance and embrace the need for humility, generosity, forgiveness and grace. Not just for others, but also for yourself. I hope you’ll see that each of us has faced storms and not everyone knows how to navigate, remove the boards covering windows and fix the furniture. Like weather storms, people may need help cleaning up and moving forward with life. I believe we have a natural responsibility to help. At the very least offer compassion and empathy, extend kindness and grace.
“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean
