Mr… Adonnis Atchinson-Bey
30956-007
PO BOX 1000
Leavenworth, KS 66048
This journey that we call life has been a rough one for me but with both age & time, those once sharp edges has now become dull/smooth & nor longer harmful. In my attempt to transport you through a few of those tumultuous times, bare with me because this WILL project me to a place & time where I was vulnerable & helpless! One of my earliest memories was being hit by a car(around 8 yrs. old) & I was with my two close but younger cousins. Even then, I made sure they were clear of danger before I made the conscious decision to wait until the car was close enough before I sprinted out before it, to see if I could cross the street(running) faster than it was approaching. I scared the woman driver & my family. That action led me to months in the hospital with a broken leg(in a sling) &a sweltering HOT summer in a body cast (from waist down, on entire left leg & half the right one), watching all the other kids running & playing. The next event I remember scarred me more than the car accident did(still, to this very day). My parents were separated(both had crack/drug addictions), and one time I was with my father over his fathers’ apartment and while we alone in the bathroom, he sexually molested me(he inserted my penis into his mouth) & I never told ANYONE! At the time of this incident, I didn’t know the severity of his actions but it had & still affects the trajectory of my thoughts, choices, life, etc.. i still haven’t received any productive treatment for such a traumatic event. My mother, siblings, family nor kids ever knew about this & because I kept this a secret SOOO long, I believe I consciously & unconsciously self-sabotage because the injury never healed properly(picture a band-aid on a bullet wound). And for yrs. after it happened, when I was old enough to understand how I was violated, I always asked myself, “Why would he do that to me?” I even questioned my own actions & character or whatever it was that led him to act in such a way towards me & I never came up with anything close to what HE could’ve been thinking because I love my kids & grandkids & wouldn’t think about touching any of them in a way that wasn’t LOVING! So growing up, this was ever eating at me. This made me overprotective of my little brother(same father) & other younger siblings & at the same time, watch the decline of my mother(my 1st LOVE, my protector, provider, etc..)via her addiction. Things that were abnormal to some(snorting, shooting, smoking drugs; dealers, guns, sexual acts for drugs, etc..) were all normal occurrences to me in my household. No hot water, gas, heat, food, getting put out was also the norm. I loved school but hated going because of the dirty, hand-me-down attire I had to wear while my classmates/peers had the latest named brand. And because my grades were superior to theirs, I felt I deserved what they had, so I began to do what I seen done in my neighborhood & home to get money for those things I wanted & felt I needed to fit in. That made me grow-up sooner than I should have, which in turn had a negative effect on my grades. At the same time, I still made bottles, changed pampers, baby sat, etc. while my mother would succumb to the side effects of heroine withdrawal. Since my time incarcerated, I’ve adopted the phrase(1 of many): Any abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is NORMAL behavior but my perception of things/life in general has evolved! That thought process, mind frame & adolescent experiences hardened me, so I hung out with the wrong crowds, made bad choices & even more so, carried out acts that I’m ashamed to speak of & wholeheartedly regret! All in the name of acceptance, loyalty & respect. I wanted to feel LOVE & not only that but a part of something…wanted, seen, etc. & these neighborhood guys not only did the above mentioned, but protected me & provided protection. Also, a way to provide for myself, younger siblings, future kids, bills, etc. So there was NOTHING that I wouldn’t do for them. This loyalty & allegiance came from the bond that I wanted & should’ve had with my father(I felt that he HATED me for what HE did & how I reacted. We never spent time together anymore, He never came around unless He was stealing money -for bills-to support his addictions). My parent’s addictions superseded the needs & wants of myself & younger siblings. Honestly, being housed in S.M.U.(Special Management Unit in Lewisburg, Pa.) & becoming a grandfather(by my 1st born ‘Princess’) changed my view on human life(1st grandson being born & an inmate’s life terminated by staff while in lockdown facility).The hardened shell/wall began its descent and the only thing that prolonged its demise was having to step down through another Penitentiary…my outlook/demeanor changed for the better but the harsh environs didn’t, neither did most in it, so I did what was somewhat expected/necessary to survive & make it out! In Penitentiary environment, the obstacles are 90% physical & 10% mental, whereas in lower custody, it is reversed(10% physical & 90% mental)& it has taken quite some time to adjust but I have(since Dec 2018, I’ve been in medium custody & spent the rest in max). After progressing forward, I took steps backward when my grandmother passed on because she was the last of my support(team) from outside that made me a priority!Simply, I mattered to NO1 else & it showed! Growing up, I used a number of drugs but quit them all once locked up. When she departed & I was alone(literally), I relapsed. For about 3 or 4 yrs. afterward, I used intoxicants to numb myself & even attempted suicide because of the dark place I was in. A positive UA for Buprenorphine in 2019, set me back right for close to 5yrs straight, but I fell again in 2023, while trying to be accepted into M.A.T.(Medical Assistance Treatment Substance Abuse)Program. It’s been an uphill battle but a fight for MY LIFE that I’m never throwing the towel in on! My freedom & grandkids is what inspire my drive. The rays of sunlight that’s illuminating this dark hole is the fuel in my tank. I’m determined & can achieve ANYTHING I apply myself to! I have overcome ALOT & LEARNED even more & know I deserve a chance to show that I can be a PRODUCTIVE RETURNING CITIZEN and NEIGHBOR!
Adonnis Atchinson
AMB
