I am blessed to awaken each day with a wonderful message and positive vibes. I know that at one point I took it all for granted but now I can honestly say those are what keep me going and why I push for success. Why I have made the changes I needed to make. Why I am always in a positive and grateful state. It is amazing to find everything in one person.
The Tree by Fernando Cordova
When I was a child, there was this beautiful tree in my front yard. I can not tell you the name of the tree or when it was planted. I just know that it was my tree and this is where all the magic happened. Where two worlds crossed one another, to many it was a typical shade tree, very unassuming. It stood tall against the forces of nature, not allowing these forces to discourage it from reaching its full potential. I still have the memories of becoming upset when people carve their initials on it with a heart around them. It was like I could feel its pain. I also remember, during those hot summer months, picking off the locust’s skin shells off of it. I would have never imagined that this tree would have such a huge meaning in my life.
My life has been the consequences of my decisions. Whether good or bad, it is something I can not deny now. It took me a long time to admit this, as I was always the type to blame everyone and anything else for my actions. I never would have even considered that the trauma of my life would have such a huge impact on my mental state and emotions. Due to this impact, I became so many things I am not. I distanced myself from anything that brought me pain or sadness. I did not understand that these decisions were unhealthy and would later be the cause of a lot of my misbehavior.
I hid behind laughter and violence. What an odd combination, right? Honesty, I never even considered how totally different those two are until I wrote them at this very moment. That in itself shows just how emotionally distraught I have been and how detached I was mentally. I believe this all comes from burying all my trauma and not understanding mental illness or being ashamed to say I need help. Due to all of this, my emotions became irrational, lashing out for no reason and causing pain to others because I did not want to see people happy if I could not be happy. I would be saddened when people close to me would critique me for my actions, as I felt this was the way I was supposed to behave. I could not and would not admit that I was suffering mentally.
This only led me to the abuse of alcohol, drugs, and the hurting of my surrounding community. All this because I was too afraid to face myself and all of my issues. Why could I not have stood tall like my favorite tree and faced all the harsh realities? Just like my tree stood against all that nature threw at it and still reached its top potential, why could not I have done the same? Fear! That is why.
So many of us fear what is really inside of us, yet we must all understand, as I had to, that once we get past the fear, we can actually define who we are. It took me forty-nine years to discover this. When the fear dissipated, peace came. The peace of knowing why. Yet this also gave me the courage to admit I needed help. I was not as strong, neither mentally nor emotionally, as I wanted everyone to believe. My mental health declined so much that I became suspicious of everyone around me. I did not like being around too many people and I would rather stay in my cell. I was losing my true self in the rabbit hole of mental illness and an emotional breakdown.
This brings me back to my favorite tree. I have fond memories of how, every year, the tree went through its own phases of life. How it would lose its beautiful green leaves and look so unattractive, yet there it stood through the seasons. Knowing it would become this beautiful image once again. It stood through all the storms that came its way and never once wilted. At its full glory, it was so beautiful and looked so full of life. This is all of us. We can not allow the stages we go through to take our potential or our life. We must admit when we need help. I know that as my tree, it takes many actions to take place for us to be in a better place. Just like for my tree to survive, we need to grow deep roots, we need good soil, and we need the sunlight to penetrate our inner being in order to reflect this light to the world.
My tree that I loved so much was me. It was a picture of my life and the challenges that laid ahead. My tree knew it would have to go through so much in its lifetime, and it was an example to many, yet we pay no attention to these things. It knew it had to evolve in stages from when it was just a seed in the ground. We must acknowledge that, as my tree, we will go through cycles and stages of change. Yet we must make a conscious decision to break out of our funks and become the person we were placed in this earth to be. When will we finally be honest with ourselves? When will we face that mirror and admit we need help? When will we finally grasp that extended hand that has been there to help us? I have done so. I was able to finally understand my mental state and my emotions and release all that has controlled me for so many years.
We can all be like my favorite tree and accept that we need help. Allow the sunlight to bring you the nutrients you need. Allow your roots to go deep into the soil and find the sustenance you need to grow. Drink of the water that your mental health and emotions thirst for. Then we can all give shade to those that need our guidance.
