Contraband-related restrictions are part of the rhythm of life here at the camp at FCI Thomson. Each of the four administrations I have lived through in my four years of incarceration has been devoted to the use of blanket, group punishment as a response to individual misbehavior. Since I have never been a participant in the hard contraband (cell phones, alcohol, drugs, vapes) ecosystem that exists at the camp, the experience of being punished for the actions of others has elicited frustration and resentment with which I have wrestled.
As the exit door nears, I am committed to being free of anger so that I don’t carry forward into my home and community any of the harm I have experienced while imprisoned. I am actively working to transcend the cycle of harm that the carceral environment epitomizes, and in that light, I saw the most recent announcement of restrictions for what it was–an opportunity to practice the elements of core accountability that yield the true freedom I seek.
There is a discernible pattern that unfolds when I am confronted with instances of injustice and oppression like these restrictions. I have anger toward the perpetrators, who in this case are the administration handing down the punishment and the guys living here who are the cause. That reaction to unjust harm is natural, but I have tools like prayer, meditation, journaling, exercise, and talking to understanding people that help me let the anger pass. I employ those tools and they work, allowing me to return to a state of equanimity in relation to the circumstances.
The equanimity is next disturbed by judgments of others. I judge the staff as misguided, and my fellow campers as stupid and selfish. While those assessments may be accurately applied to particular decisions or behaviors, universalizing them as the totality of another human being is neither accurate nor appropriate. It is not my place to judge another person, and when I do, I have just created additional harm in myself, and potentially toward them too if I act out on the negativity. It is a natural law that when I demean others, I degrade myself. I can correct this tendency with those same tools that lead me back to my calm center, adding compassion to it.
Coming out of judgment I am served by taking my discernment of the flaws of other people or situations and using them as a prompt to examine my own shortcomings. If I see oppression, misguided decisions, selfishness, self-sabotage, or harms of my fellows out the window, I must turn to the mirror and look ruthlessly for those same qualities in myself. In this situation I was not a participant in the original problem, and I proactively interrupted the cycle of harm in myself before it could manifest outwardly. While I have plenty of general work to do on these same character flaws, I can honestly say that my examination yielded nothing acute to address.
Those simple, rigorous actions have me right with myself, freeing me to turn my attention back to the window with fresh eyes. It is true that I am experiencing harm from the restrictions–limited communication with family and not being allowed outside for fresh air do in fact stink–but it is also true that the harm can be turned into an asset. The opportunity to practice breaking the cycle of harm, while cultivating equanimity, compassion, and core accountability, is priceless in and of itself. The true freedom that results from capitalizing on that opportunity allows me to move out of my circle of concern and into my circle of influence.
The restrictions do not stop me from keeping my commitment to get stronger in body, mind, spirit, and relationships every day. I can meditate, read, write essays and letters, exercise, work on my release planning and preparations, and engage in meaningful conversations. The truth is that by continuing to use my time positively and productively, I am unrestricted.
The final step in achieving core accountability in this situation is to offer the opportunity to the men around me, through my example and intentional conversation, to free themselves from their own cycles of harm. Tragically, most prefer to double down on the harm done to them by wallowing in their misery rather than working on themselves, but I still make the offer. I affirm their ability to begin walking a different path right now. I won’t rejoin them in the harmful muck, but I am here for them if they decide to get unrestricted.
These restrictions will end and if I am here long enough, there will be others. By working consciously on my response to the circumstances, the experience is transformed. The practice of core accountability strengthens me, breaks my personal cycle of harm, and in one small way, nurtures the possibility for group transcendence of systemic cycles of harm. It takes effort, but the potential payoff is well worth it.
