Title: 12 Rules for Life
Author: Jordan B. Peterson
Genre: Self-betterment/Nonfiction
Why I Read This Book:
A friend in my dorm brought me this book and said it changed her life, and she wanted me to read it too.
What I Learned:
In chapter 1, like in every chapter, Peterson pulls from many stories and concepts to inspire us to stand straight with our shoulders back. This means to accept the responsibility of life with “eyes wide open.” He talks about clients who were pushed around by others and put up with it for a long time. He got them to see their resentment as anger, then as an indication that something needed to be said or done, which basically mirrored what I learned in the Horizon Boundaries Class. I could relate to this; it was helpful in reminding me that my resentments are sometimes disguises for the anger with myself for allowing myself to be put down, used, etc, which thankfully I’ve learned how to minimize in recent months. I was mind-blown when reading about tyranny and how we, by making ourselves victims, produce and encourage tyrants in our lives.
In chapter 2, his message is “treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for helping,” which reminds me of how I’ve had to learn how to “mother myself” in adulthood without the wisdom, support, and guidance from a biological mother. “It is not virtuous to be victimized by a bully, even if that bully is ourselves” was a powerful quote I read. He writes that sacrificing yourself for others isn’t Christ’s “directive to victimize ourselves in the service of others,” which I believe people often get confused about. “If I am someone’s friend, family,…I am morally obliged to bargain as hard on my own behalf as they are on theirs.” This chapter reminds us we’re not just ourselves or our own possession, but that we belong to God. “…instead of narcissistically inflating their own importance, they don’t value themselves at all…” was a quote that hit hard for me, as this reflects the first 30 years of my life, cultivated by the abuse and neglect of a parent that formulated the issues within myself that ultimately led to my downfall. He goes on to describe people like I was: “…believe that other people shouldn’t suffer, and they will work diligently and altruistically to help them alleviate it. They extend the same courtesy even to the animals they are acquainted with-but not so easily to themselves.” I learned in the Horizon program classes I have always been a “fixer” and sought work dealing with sick and injured wildlife and non-releasable zoo/aquarium animals with the intent of providing care and educating the public about them. Peterson painted a perfect portrait of who I was the first 30 years of life and what I’ve been working to move away from.
In chapter 3, Peterson wrote about his friend’s cousin “Ed” from his hometown who didn’t improve in anything, including his circumstances or life. Not learning from our past dooms us to repeat the same mistakes. Some people, he believes, even have a “motivated refusal to learn,” which reflects the attitudes of some prisoners I see daily.
In chapter 4, he asks us “who are you?” and tells us to take stock. He compares this to buying a new home; there are hidden flaws, cosmetic or structural and therefore you need an inspector. We are to be our own “internal critics.” Peterson reminds me of Michael Santos in this chapter, as he talks of starting with the first step: asking who you are, such as the values Santos discusses in his lessons, and talks about small celebrations when we achieve a goal, however small. “What you aim at determines what you see.”
In seven, he talks about the listening person: Be a better listener. How he sees and listens to his clients and shows how he can be a better collaborator when silent is inspiring. Even silence, he teaches us, can be expressive. Carl Rogers understood how listening can transform people. One experiment is to speak for yourself only after you’ve restated the other’s ideas or feelings accurately. Too often, we are jockeying for position in conversations, not listening but planning how to respond. Often it’s even off-topic, and always about ourselves. People often think that winning the argument makes him or her right. The lecture I learned (which was insightful, as a former teacher and a recent teacher for other inmates) is a conversation as well; the lecturer speaks and the audience communicates nonverbally. Delivery of the emotional information is part of it. The lecturer (a good one) pays attention to the audience by watching their responses of a single, identifiable person. “You already know what you know..and unless your life is perfect, what you know is not enough” is one of my favorite quotes of his.
In chapter 10, he writes about objects in our lives and how we view them as more than that. I realized how psychologically dependent we are on these tools (and everything is a tool), such as how we feel and react when our car fails.
Chapter 11 taught me so much regarding assertiveness and resentment, which I had battled for so long. He expresses this in his female clients and how often I’ve allowed myself to be taken advantage of in the past. It was a truly helpful and insightful chapter for me.
How Reading 12 Rules For Life will help me with success:
It’s clear to me that the stories and metaphors that Peterson uses puts things in perspective for me regarding my past and present emotional or mental challenges. It was, as my friend claimed, life changing and a book that I will refer back to in times when I find myself slipping back into the negative emotions and urges, such as resentment, self loathing, and low self-esteem. I’m grateful to have read this book.
