Introduction:
On November 3, 2021, I was enjoying life as a highly respected physician, employed at one of the most prestigious medical centers in Los Angeles. I was happily married, had a nice home, and life was seemingly great. Cut to Wednesday, April 26, 2023, when I plead guilty to crimes involving illegal internet activity. My sentencing hearing will be held on Friday, October 13, 2023, and within a short time after that I will be incarcerated. How did I go from this highly respected physician to someone who will be spending months, and perhaps years in custody of the Bureau of Prisons?
Background:
I was born in February 1961 in Minneapolis, MN. I was the first child born to my parents, and I have two younger sisters. Growing up, I had a large extended family with many aunts, uncles, and first cousins. In addition, the neighborhood was packed with children my age, many of whom I still call close friends to this day. With many family members and friends close by, I had a wonderful, happy childhood, full of closeness and love. My parents divorced when I was 14, and to their credit, they tried to normalize the experience as much as possible for me and my sisters. I was academically gifted and knew I would pursue a higher education. For as long as I can remember, I had always wanted to become a physician.
Higher Education:
I attended the Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. After graduating with a BA in Behavioral Biology, I earned my medical degree at Mayo Medical School in Rochester, Minnesota. Internship and residency were completed in Los Angeles, and a fellowship in San Diego.
Medical Career and Family:
My first job after all my medical training was at a county hospital in Fort Lauderdale, FL. I was there for approximately 9 months. After working for short periods of time in Las Vegas, NV and Van Nuys, CA, in 1996 I accepted the job I most recently held until November 5, 2021, when I was terminated due to my illegal behavior. During the 25 years with my last employer, I built a great reputation for myself as an excellent clinician and educator. I was an active member on over 40 hospital committees, and I helped craft many of the policies and procedures that brought the hospital through the COVID-19 pandemic. I authored articles in peer-reviewed journals. I helped coordinate medical missions to Ecuador, providing care to indigent patients. In 1994 I came out as a gay man and met my husband. We have been together now for 29 years, and legally married for 6 years.
Personal Upheaval and Offense Conduct:
During the mid-2010s, budgetary issues became commonplace at the hospital. Many departments were being reorganized or eliminated completely. Job-security no longer could be taken for granted. By 2018, my personal work situation became more insecure and contentious. Not only was this a stressor for me, but the cumulative effects of caring for sick, vulnerable patients, including the long hours and night shifts were also taking their toll. Rather than do the smart thing, which was to seek help, I began acting out in ways that were not productive and that eventually led to my bad choices and criminal behavior. On November 4, 2021, in the wee hours of the morning, LAPD detectives showed up at my door with a search warrant and I was arrested for my crime.
Reflections:
I was an amazing caregiver to everyone else but myself. Had I recognized that I was struggling emotionally, that I needed help, I am certain I would have avoided making the bad choices that not only has left me justice-impacted, but would also have avoided creating victims. My arrest finally made me realize that I needed to devote as much time and effort as I did caring for my patients, to caring for myself. In retrospect, it has been a blessing that I have been unable to find employment since my job termination because I have been using all this time to embark on a comprehensive journey of self-discovery and improvement. Individualized psychotherapy, group therapy, 12-step groups, volunteer work and a lot of introspection have helped me discover how I ended up making the bad choices that left me justice-impacted and created countless victims, and more importantly, are providing me with the tools I need to heal, and to prevent me from ever ending back in this situation.
Amends and Journey Forward:
I will be using my time in prison for ongoing personal growth and healing. I can use my skills as an educator to help those in prison as well. I know I will be a better person at the end of my incarceration than I am now. Both while incarcerated and upon release, I will be making continuous and ongoing living amends to all the victims I’ve created. I will continue my psychotherapy, 12-step work, and group therapy. I will give back to my community by being of service—volunteering as I do now for charitable organizations and becoming a sponsor in my 12-step group. Being of service not only benefits others but helps in my healing process as well. By “walking the walk” and not just “talking the talk” — by showing ongoing commitment to myself and others and building a new history as a law-abiding, productive citizen and neighbor, I can demonstrate my life-long amends to those that were harmed by my bad choices.
Hope for the Future:
I cannot change the past, nor do I wish to close the door on it. I will use my past as motivation for change, to live my life in a way in which I and others can be proud. By living a healthy life (mentally and physically), being of service to others, being productive and law-abiding is not just my way of making life-long living amends to my victims, but it is a way of living life that can only lead to happiness and fulfillment for me and my husband as we enjoy our future years together.
